I'm a horrible person who's going to hell

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useranonymous
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Jul 06, 2020 1:11 pm

I'm a horrible person who's going to hell

Postby useranonymous » Mon Nov 23, 2020 8:59 am

I'm a shit mum, the shittiest actually. I cancelled my daughter's swim lessons as she is a strong being who wants to be Independant in the water and she would not do what I had to tell her to do anymore. She is very brave in the water. So I organised private swim sessions . I got given £100 birthday money for myself and I'm going to send it all on my daughter's private swim sessions so she can have as many as possible. I've been really cut up since I stopped the lessons and feel I let my daughter down. Believe me, I got her out the pool and sat her on the side and says we will go home if you don't behave sooooo many times. A few times I actually did take her home as she didn't listen. But being very anxious as it is, you can sort of understand what it was like for me fighting her to behave every swim lesson with every other parent in the pool looking at me like I'm a terrible mother with a disobedient toddler. It was horrible, more than horrible. As that's what it's like nowadays. Everyone is out for themselves and other parents say they have the perfect children and make others feel sh*t . I tried, I really did. But the truth of the matter is my daughter is overly confident in the water and the more you try to hold her the more she kicks off as she wants to be Independant. Sometimes it's best to come away from that stressful situation and do what's best. Hence why I then spent two days organising private swim sessions and it wasn't easy as everywhere was so fully booked up.

My husband tells me I don't ever do anything to appreciate him and as far as I'm concerned I'm nothing. I'm just a stay at home mum who is quite frankly the worst mother ever. And I don't ever go out and buy things for myself because I'd be being selfish as I'm not working. I just spend money on things my daughter needs. I've been walking round in the same tatty jeans but I don't care because life isn't about spending money on yourself all the time.

I just look in the mirror and hate myself. I'm just a mediocre person who nobody is proud of. I'm that person nobody wants to be friends with as I've always been weird and different and not wanted to be the same as those who bully you for being different.

My husband never knows I cry all the time now. What's the point in anybody knowing. I'm quite used to crying myself to sleep right next to my husband and he never knows a thing. I've masters controlling my breathing in bed when I'm crying my eyes out. I've lived my life so far thinking I'm not good enough and that I'm stupid. Even a boss said to me in the past I look like I'm stupid.

I've lost interest in my hobbies and feel like I don't deserve things. I love baking and was so upset yesterday I grabbed the half eaten cake and tossed it in the bin. I then went through my wardrobe and chucked away items I believed to be non essential in my life, crying while I'm doing it. Then I get downstairs to be questioned as to what I was doing upstairs. I threw away my lipstick too, which is the only make up I apply as it was the only thing that made me feel a little good. And I don't miss it as I don't feel good about myself anymore anyway.

My house is a mess because I can't keep up with it all anymore. The constant washing up, the laundry , emptying rubbish, picking up toys over and over again. Oh but that's life right. I am a f****** scivvy .

My husband's family are all smart and successful and I bet they wished better for him than somebody like me who's just worked in shops and care homes. I've never got anything interesting to say about myself , such as I've travelled the world or opened my own business. College never worked for me as I'm anxious and hate bring around that many people. Ive completed one course successfully and that's because I done it from home

I won't ever bother baking ever again. It was my mum's 50th 2 weeks ago and I spent a little if my birthday money on making her a really nice cake and making her a photo collage. My husband moaned at me that I spent too long making s cake, but it's ok when he has to go off and do things. I did have dreams if baking and making up a portfolio but if I'll get moaned at for taking time to do it then what's the point, sod my hobbies. I don't know what I'm good at anymore.

Me and husband don't really talk anymore, just mostly argue. We don't hug, kiss or have sex anymore. He says he loves me to pieces. We don't do anything together anymore other than an occasional date night as family can't babysit all the time. We have lost eachother . I'm bored and lonely. I feel I need to move away for a few days just to have a break and sort my head out. I'm not asking to do expensive extravagant things with my husband, I just want us to feel the love we used to. Or maybe it's just me? I'd do anything with him even if it's fishing, looking at tractors, bowling , swimming or just walking. Whenever I suggest something he throws a spanner in the works. I rarely feel like a woman anymore and I just want to feel good about myself occasionally . Thus distance between me and my husband does not help me to feel good about myself.

While I've never done anything like murdered or hit someone or anything extreme, I'm still such a horrible nasty person and God must hate me. Why do I always feel like I'm such an awful person lately

fummymeasle
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue Mar 24, 2020 5:19 am

Re: I'm a horrible person who's going to hell

Postby fummymeasle » Wed Nov 25, 2020 2:30 am

Never think that God hates you. You only need to ask for forgiveness and repent. Don't let your past mistakes pull you down forever. They don't define who you are. We wake up every morning for the hope of redemption. Don't let yesterday steal that away from you.

useranonymous
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Jul 06, 2020 1:11 pm

Re: I'm a horrible person who's going to hell

Postby useranonymous » Thu Nov 26, 2020 4:07 am

It really does not help us that our 2 year old has started making bedtimes a battle. I don't understand it. She was going to sleep fine and then it's like she turned two and all of s sudden she's fighting to go to sleep. Last night it took until midnight for her to go to sleep. Most nights it takes until 10 or 11now. Plus she is waking up at night for her dummy, which she has not had for 2 weeks now as we decided it's time for her to stop having a dummy. The amount of shouting since we've took it off her has been quite alot. We just need to sleep. How long does this battle go on for? Is it normal for 2 year olds to have a sleep regression stage? You'd think.she would of been worn out yesterday as she went to preschool until 1 pm, then she had a big lunch then I took her to the playground and she ran about everywhere, then she walked around the shop with me helping me buy things. We also have a big garden that she runs about in. And all this still didn't make her sleep last night until midnight.

As for the swimming, I spoke to my mother in law who said not to feel bad about the lessons. As with my husband who is her younger son, she never did lessons and just took him to a pool and did a sink or swim method, in other words let him have more independance. I don't mean she met him drown though when I say sink or swim. He is a better swimmer than me. And I went to lessons. Maybe her method was actually better?

I need to have a day of not blaming myself for everything


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