Hiding suffering behind "success" and feeling alone

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Joined: Fri Nov 13, 2020 7:57 pm

Hiding suffering behind "success" and feeling alone

Postby Titi » Fri Nov 13, 2020 8:01 pm

So, I've been pretty stressed during my college years, I always wanted to be good at what I did and I guess I did. Maybe a little too much. I got this job as a teaching assistant at uni, what implied that I would be doing a PhD. It wasn't the plan, but I was offered it and even though my first reaction was to decline because I was afraid I wasn't good enough, the people I talked to encouraged me to take it.

It's been two full years now, and my health, mental and physical, has never been so bad. I have a huge impostor syndrome, and I am terrified that people will find out how disappointing I actually am. So I try to work a lot, but I am so anxious that I procrastinate a lot too. My life just revolves around work and around my stress. I just don't see a way out.

I get sick often, I am always tired, I get terrible headaches and anxiety attacks, and 6 months ago I developed leaky gut syndrome. I have cramps and pains, and I just can't deal with it anymore. I changed my diet 3 times in 6 months based on what the doctor, then the nutritionist told me, and it didn't help. The changes in diet are quite radical as well, and it's been really hard to just follow through because I am so sick of being unwell all the time.

I am 24,and I feel so, so pessimistic about the rest of my life. If this is how it is going to be, I'm not sure I want to live it. I'm supposed to be successful, my parents are always telling me they are so proud, and I am so miserable. I want a family of my own but I feel that with my genetics, it really would not be a gift to any future child I might have. I don't really dare to talk to anybody because I haven't talked to anyone in months, due to Covid. I was so depressed that I did not want to look like I was reaching out to complaint, and well, everyone has his own difficulties these days....

I don't want to be a burden, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't see a way out.

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