The long- short version of my story

[nerdgirl1968]

Not only would I bore you all to tears if I wrote it all out but I would bore myself as well. This will be longer than I would like.

I'm 40 and have been dealing with depression, anxiety, PTSD since childhood. At 18 I developed fibromyalgia but it was not "diagnosed" til I was about 23. All my life I have endured chronic headaches, either migraine or sinus and I also have stenosis in my lower spine. The disc between L4-L5 is dessicated to the point of there being nothing for the vertebrae to sit on but each other. this causes me tremendous pain. As I am typing this I have yet another headache. I wake up with them and they last all day and into the night with no relief from any medications I take.

I am on disability but recently lost my benefits because the government claims I made too much money for one month in 2006. Of course they did not say anything til late 2008 and I have been fighting with them all this time. I was recently told I could get my checks for 5 months while they figure out if I am "still disabled" I have a part time job which I am allowed to have. I was supposed to be in a program for people who are disabled but still work a little. I never knew about it and was never told about it. I can't live off what I get from disability so I need to work part time but it is getting harder and harder to work due to all the health issues, constant pain, depression etc.

I include these details because that way you can see how everything has been affecting me.

I have seen so many doctors, phyciatrists, counselors, pain doctors, etc...and nobody can help me. The insurance I have is from the government and pays for nothing that will actually help me feel better.

The last time I saw a surgeon about my back problem he told me that the surgery probably would not work and he sent me to a pain clinic. At the pain clinic, where they do nothing for me, I have been labeled a drug seeker because of a urine test that I believe was wrong. I requested a new one and they refused. I asked for help from them so many times and they ignore me but a botched pee test comes up and now they know who I am?? I can provide more details about this if anyone is interested. It is a whole post in itself.

I can also tell you about the forum I joined for pain support where I was treated like a lying, drug seeking criminal. Where I was told to get professional help. And was threatened to be kicked off because I told the truth about things. Real supportive.

The pain clinic prescribes me hydrocodone and half the time I can't even get it due to some stupid "manufacturing Problem" or another. They won't do anything else for me and now won't give me that either. I asked to see my records and was deniged that also. Was told I have to pay almost a dollar a page!

I have reached out to so many people and organisations but every time I hear the same thing. "sorry I wish we could help" or worse yet they say or do NOTHING! Just ignore me.

I have been on antidepressants that you are not supposed to stop taking abruptly, unless of course the insurance company decided to drop it from the formulary and suddenly you can't get them. Even when the doctor puts in for a pre authorization they still turn it down.

My depression is so bad that I can't even look forward to tomorrow because it is all the same. Pain, depression, anxiety and wondering when or if I am going to crack up.

I find myself at this site because I am worn out and my attempts to advocate for myself have failed. I have no plans for the future because I think I finally understand that I am not ALLOWED to have a future. being in the system makes sure of that.

I am so tired of feeling this pain and being told that i will never get better yet I am expected to function normally. There really aren't any resources for disabled people. I have looked into many avenues. My most recent seems to be ending up like all the others.

I used to have the desire to go on. But now I can only exist on auto pilot. There is no energy left to fight.

There is so much more but I have stop now because my head is pounding.

Thanks for reading.

[Emotional_77]

Wow, that's really horrible, I mean to go through both emotional and physical illness is pretty much the farthest you can go. Well, now I didnt read every detail in your story but from what I went through I don't see anything that tells me you are getting any support from anyone, such as a family member or a friend? Like someone to tell you how good you are doing and to tell you to not give up.

The way I see it, you should be proud of yourself for not giving up, it seems like you keep trying and trying and keep looking for different ways to get yourself better and well many of those do not do this and would of given up a long time ago. I am proud that you have not given up and to see how much of a fighter you are, great job!! I know I don't know you and you don't know me but just from reading what you have done someone should be proud of you and say what a good job you are doing.

[nerdgirl1968]

Thanks for your response.
I do have friends. I didn't mean to imply that I don't but in all honesty they are not exactly having a great time either. It seems everyone has so many issues and problems that it is very hard to lay your stuff on someone when they are dealing with issues as well. I do have a good friend that I talk to nearly every day. My friends are supportive but really can't help me in the way I need to be helped.

They let me know that I can vent all I want but in the end I feel like I am just complaining about the same stuff over and over year after year.

I appreciate your support and I know I try hard but one of these days I would like to actually succeed at something.

I used to have a great counselor and she helped me alot but when she moved to a private practice the psychiatrist that she is under won't take my insurance. I can't sfford to pay anything at all so I got shuffled off to another who left two weeks after I started with her. I am now supposed to see another one but she is not really helpful. Just sits and shakes her head.

So yeah I mean I get up every day and do what I can but there is just no joy. I wish I could at least get that spark that I used to get once in a while but even that is gone.

[Emotional_77]

I can see where you are getting at where you say you don't want to burden your problems on your friends when they have their own problems they are dealing with. That's actually really understandable and you make a good point there.

I can tell from what I read that you are doing so much what you can but your not getting anywhere and that pisses me off and it's not fair, I will hope and wish you the best of luck that something does come out of all this effort you have been giving cause something should!!

A hug for you

[nerdgirl1968]

Thank you,

I really hope something good comes of this too. I keep thinking maybe there is a reason for all this but what it could be I don't know. some people have said it is so i can help others but ya know what? I have always done that. I don't really want to do that anymore. don't get me wrong I just think that helping others really doesn't do any good either.

Aside from that i don' have much to offer anyone else right now.

For right now I just want to get rid of this headache but I know better. UGH!

[Emotional_77]

Well you can only do so much helping for other people when you are sick yourself, you got to help yourself first. This could probably be the reason it doesnt help you as much cause your like "ok your better and happy now, what about me?" Take care of yourself and focus totally on yourself I would suggest. If you could afford it or have the time I would also suggest a week of just nothing but doing whatever pleases you, try to give your head a break and release all this tension you have inside of you, this is a great way to help both your body and your soul. Every tried relaxation tapes?

if your head hurts you should lie down a bit with a warm or cold cloth on your forehead whatever helps.

[nerdgirl1968]

I have been dreaming of taking a week for myself but it seems like every time I plan to I can't. I only work part time but that takes everything out of me and the rest of my day is shot. I wish I could take a week off. that would be nice. can't really afford it though.

[nerdgirl1968]

well just an update....My last psychiatrist appointment was the worst. the doctor i see really doesn't know what he is doing. He is too concerned with pushing the drugs that will line his pocket or better yet so he can get the little trinkets that cover all of their desks with the names of all the pretty colored pills on them.

He is CONSTANTLY pushing A Typical anti-psychotics on me ALL THE TIME. like they are the only drug there is. Then I hear that age old line "well there really aren't many options since you have the government insurance"

I fought with him last time and told him I WILL NOT take any Atypicals...I have been on at least three and every time I had horrible side effects. I am not going to take them so stop telling me I have to...he thinks I am stupid and acts like I don't know anything at all about depression, meds, etc...he asked me how i knew about the A-typicals,...as if it is a huge secret that nobody should know about. I told him like I told him every other time I have been on them with bad results.

By the time the appointment was over I wanted to leave. I had yet another headache that NOBODY is doing anything about even though I have bitched about them every time at any appointment I have. I just need to get something to get rid if these headaches but i can't even get them to tell me what kind of headaches I am having. There would need to be tests done and that isn't gonna happen.

The drug he prescribed for me this time? Freaking DEPAKOTE. I'm not even gonna take it. he told me NOTHING about the side effects and then wasn't sure if I needed blood tests first. Uhhh yeah...depakote you fool...need tests first. Whatever. I don't trust any of these people to be in charge of my so called HEALTH!

[Emotional_77]

you should definetely think of getting a new psychiatrist that is more concerned about your health and what you have to say.