Confused by circumstance

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Wabbajack711
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2020 9:17 am

Confused by circumstance

Postby Wabbajack711 » Fri Sep 18, 2020 9:35 am

Unsure if I need to but Trigger warning: suicide, sexual abuse, loss of family

am 25 and Male. I grew up for the good part of my childhood and teen years with my brother and grandma. My brother taught me how to read, write, and perform math. My grandma was more of a mom than my mom would ever know how to be. Before that there was a time with my mom and dad where he worked all the time and she smoked meth and let herself and us go. My "mom" sold my brother and I to men for drugs when I was 6-8. The first person who sexually abused me was my dad on a train when I was 4.

I grew up repressing that though. Until my dad was arrested for brainwashing my step sister at 14 years old.

Ever since the flood of memories I have been lost. I don't have an idea what I want from life aside from things I can't ever have.

Late March my Grandmother was put into a coma for 5 week with pneumonia and passed away after testing positive for Covid-19. Less than 2 weeks later my brother got ahold of a gun and without warning ended his life. His coworkers and friends all thought he was fine and seemed happy leading to it.

I keep having nightmares of walking into a room and seeing my brother sitting on a bed covered in tears waving by putting a gun to his mouth...the dream usually ends there but last night I outright imagined in gruesome detail what happened...and I was never at the scene...how is my brain able to show me such horrible things when I never saw anything like that before...
In essence I lost my brother, grandmother, father, and mother in 2 deaths and I don't know if anyone I talk to will relate ever.

I feel like I am losing myself further but have been pushing forward regardless. I started a job as a meat cutters apprentice with benefits so I can finally get a 3 year overdue stomach surgery. Good pay, and transferable experience.

Life should be looking up, but this cloud has been above me for too long and I don't know how to counter it anymore.

Prycejosh1987
Posts: 424
Joined: Sun May 31, 2020 10:54 am
Location: Birmingham UK

Re: Confused by circumstance

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Sun Sep 20, 2020 11:22 am

You have to let go of your past. You can only move forward into the future, when you walk through the past.


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