I'm lost

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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xilix
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Aug 01, 2020 12:12 am

I'm lost

Postby xilix » Sat Aug 01, 2020 1:05 am

I have felt out of place for a long time. Since I was a child. I guess you could say I have a loving family but I feel like I don't belong. As I got older the feeling has grew. Teen years of trying to pursue girls being rejected by most and facing bullies on a regular basis. Last years of high school I was a naive dreamer with my sweet heart. That ended shortly after. Being tossed out into the world I was not prepared for. Going it alone. I moved out of my parents house and in with my grandparents for a while. My life spiraled down. I jumped from job to job trying to find an interest. That led into heavy drinking and being antisocial after a while. I tried to find relationships. With no responses I just assume that's life. My grandparents passed away and having no stability or employment. My parents welcomed me back. I always put on a smile for people. I don't want to let them know how I feel because it will change the dynamic between us. People say they will understand and won't think any different but I know that is a lie. It's been 17 years since my high school graduation. For at least 17 years or more I've woke up everyday hurting. I use to manage the day pretty well trying to stay optimistic. The last year or so now has been really setting heavy on me. I resort to learning and hobbies to occupy my mind. I'm fortunate enough to do that. I have no children. No life. I've been dying inside. Not having someone special to turn to. I've tried to change that. Putting on a positive manly persona with confidence by societal standards. Rejection hits harder than it use to. I become depressed at random times throughout the day. One minute I can feel fine and suddenly just sink. I've come to realize how insignificant life is. Some people have a few good years of life with ups and downs. I imagine most are more downs than ups. The little moments are what makes it all worth while I've heard. To me it that doesn't hold true. In the end when you pass some people will miss you. A few years after even less. After that, anything you done in the public sector will still exist for a while. Then as time progresses any lasting moment of your existence is gone. After mankind fades the cosmos will eventually burn out. Any trace of what we consider life will be gone forever. The universe is void. What I been asking myself the last year or so is why. Why do I still hold on to this existence? Because it's 'real'? Because dogma from society says it's precious? Because I'll let down others? Maybe a little of each, I don't know... I'm just confused, hurting, and lost. I can't afford doctors. Even if I could, I would just put on a happy face and act like nothing is there. I've been holding everything in for so long it's normal behavior at this point. I have no intentions of harming myself or others. If that point happens where I want to go. I'll do it alone and certianly not be posting anything prior.

After reading over this I'm not sure why I even bothered. I thought it might be helpful for me to type something out. Doesn't seem to have any effect either way.

Man--Argentina
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2020 1:53 am

Re: I'm lost

Postby Man--Argentina » Sat Aug 01, 2020 3:36 am

I feel pretty reflected on some things you said, Ive been strugling a lot lately. Everyday is a burden too, no joy just stress. I manage to distract myself and think things are ok, its the only way to live. I also deal with lonelines, I havent had a nice conversation with someone in years, just this year only by coincidence I came across a friend I havent seen in years, but after that, I was without talk with anyone whole 4 years (except family).

But I dont share your view about world is just a void, and it doesnt matter if are or not here.

Life could be good, just because we are dealing it doesnt mean life is just bad. But I truly know how bad life could be, and Im not talking about myself, sometimed I truly feel thankful in a way my life is much better than other people who have suffered immeasirably.

I know life not gonna get better with my positive b-s.

Just good luck.


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