Need Advice

[Chey]

Hey everyone. I guess i'll start with that i have always had depression and severe anxiety. Growing up was difficult because emotional support or sad feelings aren't acceptable in my household, and it is something I hid and stayed silent about. With the pandemic, I am back home from college, and I have been home since late March. I have few friends in my home state, and my parents will not allow me to see them in fear of corona virus. It is understandable because the virus is serious, but im so alone. I had been in a relationship for almost a full year, and he recently broke it off because arguments and the distance. Right now im feeling so dumb because he had broken up with me 5 times in the first 6 months of the relationship for minuscule reasons , and I accepted his excuses for it. The last 5-6 months we had been apart and it strained the relationship. However, he would often reassure me that we'd stay strong and make it through the long distance... then he changed his mind recently and I return in a week and a half. Honestly, I am in so much pain. I was already having feelings of depression, and this just intensified it. Mornings are the hardest because all my anxiety and sadness hits me all at once when I wake up, and im scared I won't be able to pull myself out of this on. Y'all... he was my best friend prior to us dating, and im terrified to go back to school in the Fall because I'll have no one. If anyone has similar experiences or words of advice, encouragement, or motivation that would be great. im trying to stay strong, but im struggling. thanks.

[denni]

Hey Chey,

I can really understand you! Hard times, Im in kind of a similar situation, depressive days and loving someone that is far away with not really a chance of a future together. all this and can hit hard, Im currently in my bed too, havent really eaten today.

But I just wanna say - things will get better we just need to have hope in the future. I know it is very though but we should appreciate the gift of life.

Maybe listen to music, play some instruments, try to change your mindset, getting a new outfit.

I know its not really structured what i wrote but i just want to let you know that you are not alone! please try to keep your head up ok? How are you feeling today?


best wishes

[KeraBear]

Hello Chey,

I'm a 35 year old woman so I have definitely experienced the very thing that you are describing. The first thing I will say is that time heals all wounds. Now the question is how do you make it through the time it takes to heal. With the pandemic limiting our ability to be social which would thereby occupy the mind and help us focus on other things besides the breakup, perhaps you could take some time to consider what you have learned from the breakup. You could ask yourself questions such as:

1) Was the reason I was given for the breakup a valid reason? Asking this question can help you objectively reflect on what led up to the breakup. Once out of a relationship, you are able to have a bird's eye view of the situation and truly begin to analysis when and where things started to go wrong.

2) In hindsight, is there anything you could have done to change the outcome? If so, what is that? After a breakup, it helps to look within and embark on a journey of personal growth. At the age of 35, I can honestly say I have grown more in the last 10 years of my life than I did the first 18 years of life. When self-reflecting, try not to place undue blame on yourself or your ex but be honest about how you might have communicated and expressed yourself throughout the relationship. I've been married for 7 years now and in my personal growth as a wife, I had to be honest with myself and admit that I at times did not effectively communicate with my husband which led to frustration for both of us. There was a time about 3 years ago when we thought we were headed for divorce. Being totally honest and respectful in our communication is what saved our marriage. Now if there was nothing you could have personally done differently or better in the relationship, it helps to work toward accepting the fact that you two might not have been meant for each other and perhaps might have been better off as just friends.

3) Has this experience revealed any areas in which you would like to grow? The good thing about relationships is they will show us who we are. Once confronted with that reality, we must decide if who we are currently is who we want to remain. One question I had to answer in my own life was did I want to be in a relationship just to avoid being alone, even if the person was wrong for me? I had to shift my thinking by not only focusing on what the relationship could do for me, but also on what I could bring to the relationship. Once you nail down the qualities you bring to a relationship, you can seek someone who will compliment, cherish, and not take advantage of those qualities. This was crucial for me because it helped me to identify men with toxic traits. By doing so, I learned not to take it personal when such men lost interest in me or just were never interested at all because I was able to see I was being spared the trouble and heartache.

4) The final question is what, if anything, would you do differently in your next relationship? Here is where you move forward with the narrative that is best suited for you to achieve happiness. Be honest about your needs but don't forget to address your flaws. Then, TAKE ACTION! Become the person you truly want to be.

I hope this helps.

Kindly,
Kera Bear