Depression Understood Forums

I am a nobody. That is to say that I am here to share my story and nothing else. I need/want help but it is not the right time for it yet. I am functional but, that is about it. I am horrible at grammar so stick with me.

I have been wanting to kill myself for more than 9 years now, but because of a single promise I made to myself I am still here. Honestly speaking I don't want to live anymore but, because of that promise I am still here. I don't know what to do with my life. Every time I think about anything important, It hurt. I am in pain just from writing this. I feel that I need to let other know I exist. I know that I am not the only one here with problem and I know it that other people have It worst then me. but why am I like this. I literally can't grow at a person because I don't want to think about anything else other than thing that distract me from my pain. Every time I Think about anything important it hurt then I feel nothing at all neither pain or sadness or happiness. With the numbness kicking I hope I was able to record the emotion that I feel before I feeling nothing at all. don't worry about my safety I won't kill myself. I just want I let my emotion out before it is gone. I am a nobody on the internet just like everybody. please don't try to help me for I can not help myself. Like I said, it not the right time yet.

Thank You to those who listen to this burner account and good bye

It is not wrong to feel happy, you will face adversity in your life from somebody and negativity works the hardest in peoples life. Suicide is not the solution it is more of a problem. You can fight back on change the areas where you feel you are lacking. Free will is a good thing always.