I'm moving on just wish I was brave

[Stuart1973]

I'm 46 and in a situation which is rather strange, I've been through a lot but many people I know have been through worse yet I'm obviously weaker.

I'll take a rapid run through my boring life, I served in the British Army (Bad memories) during this time the woman I loved cheated with my best friend at the time, she nor any of my family were told of a situation where I was shot on base I was rushed to London and operated on, the family was told I had a hernia which needed operating on, I've never told anyone of this. I was discharged as per my request, I then moved to France to work for Disney9, during this period I avoided women and worked as much as possible however I began to self-harm (I have lots of scars), I came back to the UK and started dating and working as a security guard, I got married and yep she was unfaithful and I found out and we divorced. I then started working at the company I'm still in now 20+ years later and work as Incident Manager which by its nature is stressful, I re-married the woman I always loved that did the dirty on me, we both had grown and I felt the trust was back, sadly in the last 6 years I have been diagnosed with Epilepsy, IBS, Diabetes (2), Neuropathic pain, Retinopathy. In the last 5 years my wife won't let me near her sexually, this isn't a killer for me as the relationship is more than just sex however over the last 12 months this has increased to hardly kissing only letting me kiss her on the cheek and now in the last month rejecting any attempt to even cuddle.

To say the least, I am at a loss I've been struggling with depression for years always walking that tightrope hoping not to fall. Thing is I've now realized I'm happy to fall and recently have been doing deliberate acts and finding it hard to not act on the feelings.

I take 30 units of insulin for my nighttime dose, I took 600 yet survived no idea how I'm in a situation where I just simply don't feel happy anymore and would be more than happy to move on. I joined this group to just say how I feel and explain the basics of my life to try to rationalize my inner conflict.

[angelo1936]

I'm so sorry to hear that you feel unhappy, and I totally get what you're feeling, but I promise you are loved and supported, and although it may feel rubbish right no w there is light at the end of the tunnel. I truly hope you're ok.

[Prycejosh1987]

I'm 46 and in a situation which is rather strange, I've been through a lot but many people I know have been through worse yet I'm obviously weaker.

I'll take a rapid run through my boring life, I served in the British Army (Bad memories) during this time the woman I loved cheated with my best friend at the time, she nor any of my family were told of a situation where I was shot on base I was rushed to London and operated on, the family was told I had a hernia which needed operating on, I've never told anyone of this. I was discharged as per my request, I then moved to France to work for Disney9, during this period I avoided women and worked as much as possible however I began to self-harm (I have lots of scars), I came back to the UK and started dating and working as a security guard, I got married and yep she was unfaithful and I found out and we divorced. I then started working at the company I'm still in now 20+ years later and work as Incident Manager which by its nature is stressful, I re-married the woman I always loved that did the dirty on me, we both had grown and I felt the trust was back, sadly in the last 6 years I have been diagnosed with Epilepsy, IBS, Diabetes (2), Neuropathic pain, Retinopathy. In the last 5 years my wife won't let me near her sexually, this isn't a killer for me as the relationship is more than just sex however over the last 12 months this has increased to hardly kissing only letting me kiss her on the cheek and now in the last month rejecting any attempt to even cuddle.

To say the least, I am at a loss I've been struggling with depression for years always walking that tightrope hoping not to fall. Thing is I've now realized I'm happy to fall and recently have been doing deliberate acts and finding it hard to not act on the feelings.

I take 30 units of insulin for my nighttime dose, I took 600 yet survived no idea how I'm in a situation where I just simply don't feel happy anymore and would be more than happy to move on. I joined this group to just say how I feel and explain the basics of my life to try to rationalize my inner conflict.

Your situation is sad but very very fixable. You need to show more emotion in your relationships and be more affectionate. Its good you dont let bad relationships ruin your desire for a love life, but i know its having a toll on your mental health. It is also having a toll on your physical wellbeing. Negativity can do that to a person. Stress can kill. Sex is not the biggest thing in a relationship but its a major thing. I think you should be supportive, understanding and develop a relationship with your partner to being more than partners but best friends. Trust is a major thing. Honesty is also a major thing and communication is the biggest thing.