Need a little empathy plz...

[Jay27woods]

Hi, this is my first time on a blog and also my first time openly talking about my depression and anxiety, I’ve never even talked to my family or friend about it but I can’t keep this to myself anymore. I’m 30 and a father of two (9b, 4g), I grew up in Colorado all my life and was raised in a single parent household. My mom was in and out of my life and when I was 2 she decided to take a job in Philly (we lived in Colorado), and she would come by to visit every other month and stay for a few days. I remember seeing a lot of domestic violence growing up, my dad would abuse my mom and even kick her out the house sometimes, only to try and apologize later. My mom had a gambling addiction and would often dump me and my siblings (Bro and sis) on our relatives, I guess what I’m trying to say is that she wasn’t much of a mom even when she was around. And in those times she would sometimes abuse me herself, throwing things at me out of frustration and according to my sister, even throwing me on the floor once when I was a baby. I’ve got maybe a handful of memories of my mom from my childhood, when I was around 8 she disappeared and no one could tell us where she was, but my dad knew she abandoned us. I know there’s unsettled pain from the lack of having a mother, but sometimes I feel like how much can someone affect me when I never really knew them anyway?..Well from then on, my dad became very abusive both emotionally and physically. I was never a good kid in his eyes, I got into trouble more than my siblings and also struggled in school, but looking bk I know now that what I endured was abuse, something I couldn’t comprehend as a kid.

Whenever I’d get a bad grade I’d get beat, sometimes I’d have open wounds and cuts on my butt from him hitting me hard for what seemed like an eternity. Just to provide an example, once while my dad was beating me the neighbors called the cops from the screams. Ironically the cops immediately took my dads side although I was no more than 9 or 10 and my dad was physically abusing me. All I remember is fearing my dad, that fear turned into resentment and avoidance of conflict. I’d walk on eggshells around him and wanted to avoid him at all costs. His beatings were often followed by an hr long talk about how I should have been my uncles kid (he despises my unc) or how he wishes he never had me. These thoughts today bring tears to my eyes cause I know now how much that’s damaged my perception of myself. Still even with all that, a child’s love is often unconditional until they get old enough to comprehend the wrong doing. As a teen I hated him but I’d never dream of challenging him. He’d say stuff like “college ain’t for you”, or “I wouldn’t be surprised to see you in prison one day”. I never did anything that would imply that prison was in my future other than steal a pack of candy from Safeway. He’s kicked me out of the house before over grades, and I’ve also “ran away”, I felt miserable while being in the same room as my dad.

Around the time I was 19 yrs old my mom randomly contacted my sister after about 12 years. We got in touch and I went to Cali to see her for the first time. She wasn’t what I expected, idk why I expected this amazing mom but I did. Odd thing is I was never really upset with her, I just wanted a mom finally. She isn’t nurturing or affectionate, she shows love with money, and has the nerve to judge me based on the decision I’ve made in my life, even telling me once that if I have anymore kids I’m not her son anymore. What sucks for me is that I suffer through anxiety over confrontation, usually resulting in me swallowing more than I should and feeling hurt and upset. I’ve never told either parent how they’ve made me feel and how their actions when I was young have lead me to contemplate suicide on multiple occasions. The pain doesn’t end there, even my kids are treated differently. I’ve had two beautiful kids and neither parent was there for their births but my dad showed for both my sister and brothers kids. No one calls on my bday or my kids bdays except for my siblings. Today I consistently ask myself “what did I do to deserve the pain that’s happened in my life?” I never used to think that way, all I saw was my issues and how I had destructive behavior which made me feel like maybe they’re right about me. I don’t really talk to either of my parents now, and I’m going through a time where I want answers to my pain and how I can finally begin to move past it. I’ve lived through the daily torture a depressed mind puts you through, it’s plagued my relationships causing me to seriously hurt myself in pursuit of the love I was always denied as a child. I feel like my idea of love is skewed though, I don’t even really know how to recognize it or how it feels to feel loved. I still contemplate suicide to this day, and can honestly say my fear of physical pain and also my kids are the only things keeping me around. My only excitement in life is knowing I’m no longer content with being depressed and anxious all the time. I want better for myself but always feel incapable or trapped in this cycle of destructive behavior. And what sucks the most is I see a little bit of my parents in myself, I don’t abuse my kids but I lack patience with them and feel disconnected often because I’m so sad all the time. They deserve better and I really want to be a better father to them. I just need someone to talk with so if you have time plz respond and forgive me for the long story, I tried to keep it as brief as possible.

[cuiceds]

Hey! I've read everything and I almost cried for you. My life is bad too but not as much yours and I feel you on wanting just someone to talk to. I'm so sorry for everything that happened to you. We all like to question ourselves what we did to deserve so much pain, but I think that, that's just life. We get born into lives we unwillingly choose and that's just how it goes. You didn't deserve that. I don't know you, but from what I can tell, you're a person who tries to be sweet with everybody else and to be nice and you try for your children.

I know life is hard and rough and some like yours just turn out to be crazy and traumatizing.

But I believe you'll grow away from it, if you believe in yourself. I don't know exactly what to say.. but you're strong.

You've lived a young life with trauma but now you're now 30. You've pushed yourself to continue no matter what, i'm sure your children love you as well. Most children don't say it, but if you open up to them. I'm sure they'll understand what they're coming from and no one is ever a perfect parent. You're only a perfect parent if you try and give the best for your child. I know you want the best for them. That makes you the best father for them.

I've never had a father, mine left long time ago since birth. I know for other people like me just having a father being there would be the world. I believe they know you're doing your best. As long as you know that too. Life is nothing without pain. No one deserves the type of pain you had. You'll just have to be strong and be the best you can be for yourself.

I'm sorry if nothing I said was any of use but I just wanna say again I'm sorry for what happened to you and I'll always be here if you wanna have a chat again.

[Jay27woods]

Hey thanks for the reply! I almost cried reading your support I hope you understand how much it means for me just to have someone that can relate lol. I’m still struggling today, just trying to find my purpose in life, something that excites me every morning. I understand that at 30 I can’t look to my past anymore for comfort, I need fulfillment that can only be provided by myself. The issue is a complete lack of motivation for life, we all know how crippling depression can be and it’s really a state of mind I don’t wish on anyone. Sometimes it feels hopeless and like I’ll never make it out, then some days I have a surge of motivation to change, the former always seems to win out.

Sorry to hear about your dad, we can’t control what our parent instilled in us or didn’t, but we can try to change them as adults. I’m sure you know the journeys hard or else you wouldn’t be here, I truly hope u find everything you desire, and just know I appreciate your reply.