Depressed mom

[unknown93]

I have a kid that's about to be 8 and daughter that's going to be 1. When I left my 7yr olds dad I fell into a little depression, than I met my boyfriend and he made everything better for me. Fast forward 2yrs, since I found out I was pregnant I fell back into my depression, but when I had my baby I thought things would get better. Instead they only got worse and worse. I thought my boyfriend would see it and he did but he only makes it worse. I'm at a point in my life where I feel like leaving my oldest with their dad's side of the family and leaving my youngest with their dad and just ending my life because I feel like they're both better off without me. I try to be good mother to them but no matter what I can't. Do anything right. I get called ugly, fat, useless, lazy, dirty, etc... And it only makes it worse. Last night he told me that I'm the reason why he's always in his little man cave cause he can't stand to see my face and as much as my oldest loves him, he sat there saying that he's annoyed by us both. He can't stand to hear us complain and so on. My oldest is going thru so much for being so little. Feels of abandonment and unwanted has my oldest already feeling depressed and my boyfriend just made things so much worse for him. I plan on packing my things early in the morning and leaving. But all that is happening just made my depression much worse than it was before. I feel so empty inside, I feel like killing myself just so all this would be over but than that just makes me selfish because I'm not thinking of my kids, but really I just feel like there better off without me. I have no money for anything at the moment and have to be stuck in a tiny place with the only family member that I know can help me. But I guess for now it'll be better than nothing.

[Seastar]

Dear you,

Your situation sounds so hard. I feel very similar to you. I even have children the same age as you..
I don’t have any solutions, but I just want to say that you sound like a really lovely and caring person, and I hope that you feel better soon. Be kind to yourself. Try and take a step back and look after yourself.

[Jay27woods]

I feel for you, I’m also a father of two (9b, 4g) and often feel so horrible because I feel like I’m not a real father to them. I’m constantly irritable and I feel disconnected from them, but I hate it cause I know I’m only doing to them what my parents did to me. Your boyfriend literally sounds useless in your life, I don’t know how u feel about him but I hope u get away, toxic relationships can make your depression even worse. It sounds like you want to be better for yourself and your kids but it also sounds like whatever trauma you’ve been through is keeping you in a loop of self destructive behavior. Idk maybe I’m beginning to intentionally see a little bit of myself in you, I just wanted to say that I feel your pain and also still contemplate suicide to this day, only my kids keep me hanging on. Whether you can see it or not the worst thing we could do to our kids is abandon them by committing suicide. The pain and trauma from that will only cause lifelong pain and sadness for them. I know it’s hard but a child’s love is unconditional, just be the best mom you can be at this time, I’ve found that talking to my son about my struggles helps a little. I just don’t want to leave him in the dark on why I am the way I am.

[MarissaAnne]

Hi sweetie. Your going through a tough time but you just need to pull through. I think what would help is positive thinking and just spending time taking care of yourself. Every morning get dressed down to your shoes and start your day that way. Take time
To do your hair and enjoy getting ready for the day. If this guy your are with is making you feel down then start making plans to get away from him, you don’t need that in your life. List the pros and cons of leaving and staying, talk things over with a counselor, make sure you are financially stable. I want you to live and live a happy life. Start making plans to become better, you can do it. Your are special and loved and we here support you. I want you to seek out professional help. I don’t know much about your situation but I want you to live the best life you can for you.