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it has been my second time nearly losing to my own demon today.

I am 28 years old. All these years, I have gone through emotionally abused and sexually abused, I have been outcasted and left out at school, I have been physically hurt by my family when I was small. And since 18years old, I have to earn bucks and support my mother and my sister's new born baby at that time and now he is nearly 10 years old. i have worked day and night to support my family and I relied on alcohol and being promiscuous over the years in order to escape from the pain I have ignored.

last year this time, I cut myself so badly and I tried to jump off the balcony. but all I thought of is my nephew who called me "mum" and my mother who was harsh sometimes but who also was loving me in her own way.

i have been diagnosed severe depression and mild anxiety.

the mental illness has been haunted me for years but only diagnosed last year bc I was too poor to afford the pills and the doctor's charge.


the past two days were nightmare. i cut myself again in order to use the physical pain to cover the emotional pain. but i felt nth at all when i cut myself. i cldnt even feel pain on my arms but only un bearable pain in my heart. i have cried non-stopped for 2 whole days.

today, I tried to drown myself to death coz the voice in my head kept reminding me the pain I have gone through these years and I just wanted the pain to stop. the voice kept telling me its the only way i can get released from the demon's claws. and i felt so helpless and hopeless and desperate and nth else is left in my heart. i felt lonely and i hate myself.

fds, boyfriend, my mother, they don't understand my pain and they don't know how hard i try everyday to put my smile on and how tiring it is for me even to go to work. they don't understand those suicidal thoughts were trying to kill me they were chasing me every single day.

anyhow,,, i survived today.

i have never been so proud of myself.

i know i have to keep going. i know the demon inside my head wants me dead and i know deep down i don't want to die.



i m a survivor.



and i will always remind myself that i m a natural born warrior.

i m jane.

Thank you for this.

Reading this has helped me more than you know. You and I are the same age and have almost the same story. I've been struggling recently and finding this post has helped me more than many things in the past few days.

You are a warrior. I am, too. We are resilient, us warriors. What I have to remember is that progress is not a straight line and even when i feel like I'm failing at life, as long as I'm alive - I have a chance. There is hope.

I am sorry that you have demons similar to mine. I am glad that you are still alive. I am proud of you, too.

Sending love from my part of the globe.

JaneUthought wrote:it has been my second time nearly losing to my own demon today.

I am 28 years old. All these years, I have gone through emotionally abused and sexually abused, I have been outcasted and left out at school, I have been physically hurt by my family when I was small. And since 18years old, I have to earn bucks and support my mother and my sister's new born baby at that time and now he is nearly 10 years old. i have worked day and night to support my family and I relied on alcohol and being promiscuous over the years in order to escape from the pain I have ignored.

last year this time, I cut myself so badly and I tried to jump off the balcony. but all I thought of is my nephew who called me "mum" and my mother who was harsh sometimes but who also was loving me in her own way.

i have been diagnosed severe depression and mild anxiety.

the mental illness has been haunted me for years but only diagnosed last year bc I was too poor to afford the pills and the doctor's charge.


the past two days were nightmare. i cut myself again in order to use the physical pain to cover the emotional pain. but i felt nth at all when i cut myself. i cldnt even feel pain on my arms but only un bearable pain in my heart. i have cried non-stopped for 2 whole days.

today, I tried to drown myself to death coz the voice in my head kept reminding me the pain I have gone through these years and I just wanted the pain to stop. the voice kept telling me its the only way i can get released from the demon's claws. and i felt so helpless and hopeless and desperate and nth else is left in my heart. i felt lonely and i hate myself.

fds, boyfriend, my mother, they don't understand my pain and they don't know how hard i try everyday to put my smile on and how tiring it is for me even to go to work. they don't understand those suicidal thoughts were trying to kill me they were chasing me every single day.

anyhow,,, i survived today.

i have never been so proud of myself.

i know i have to keep going. i know the demon inside my head wants me dead and i know deep down i don't want to die.



i m a survivor.



and i will always remind myself that i m a natural born warrior.

i m jane.

Demons come and go and then come again. The only way to make the demon stay away is to not give it room to work. Demons work when you provoke them to work by listening to nonsense. Cutting yourself will not help and suicide definitely isnt the answer. Believe in success and look at what you do have. Let go of your past and renew yourself emotionally everyday. Eventually this demon will not come back. You shouldnt hate yourself you have people that care about you. You have a famaily and a boyfriend. However if you do not renew yourself and you "allow" these demons to come back they will ruin everything by turning you against yourself and everyone connected to you. Let go.