When will I ever feel okay?

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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kl_teenager453671
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Mar 24, 2020 7:45 pm

When will I ever feel okay?

Postby kl_teenager453671 » Tue Mar 24, 2020 8:11 pm

I’m not into expressing my feelings but I thought I’d give this a shot. I first began falling into a state of depression at the age of 12. During the Easter holidays of year 8 (I’m in the uk), I don’t think I left my house once in 6 weeks. I had friends, but I didn’t wanna hang out with them. My parents just thought I liked being on my own but honestly I’d never felt so lonely; but I never talked about, with anyone, because that’s not what me and my friends and family talked about, I didn’t wanna be an attention seeker. Then came year 9-10 (age 13-14). The point at which I reached an all time low. In February 2018 alone, I made 2 badly thought out attempts at suicide. One drowning and one cutting. I still have the scar from the cutting. My parents caught me both times I tried. I cut myself for most of year 9. I was 13. This was probably fuelled by the show 13rw, as that gave me an idea of how to outlet my emotional numbness. I didn’t feel much, and what I did feel was just pure sadness. I cut to make me feel more human. Seeing the blood made me feel less dead inside I guess. In February 2018, I moved to a private school, from a year group of 200 to one of 12. I needed a fresh start as my own school was full of bad experiences, and too many people knew too much about my situation. I stayed busy, made new friends. I still felt numb and sad, but it was easier to distract myself. I came out with great GCSE results and I’m now doing my a levels. With the covid-19 lockdown, I’m trapped in a room with my thoughts all day. The voices in my head telling me how easy it would be to kill myself are coming back. Every night for the past week I lay under my covers, play the same song, hug my pillow, and I just cry into it, hoping that my parents wont hear me. I have nothing to distract me from my feelings anymore. My parents wont let me go on anti depressants but I’m just so desperate for anything to make me feel half alive again. My nan suffered with depression so I’m scared to talk to my parents about it again because i fear that my mum is going to feel like she did as a child. At this point I’m past caring about if I get hooked on the pills or side effects I just want my pain to stop I’m tired of feeling like this I feel like someone has their hands around my neck and they’re slowly getting tighter and tighter and I’m struggling for air but I struggle less and less because the more life goes on the less I even want air. I’m at a point where I just want to slip away. I hear whispers at night telling me how easy it would be to hop in the bath, slip underwater and just not come up. Painless, fast, easy. Speaking to my friends isn’t even an option because they wont take me seriously, all they do is make fun of me which is fine but when I’m genuinely trying to express my feelings I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. I also don’t wanna be ‘that girl’. Depression is so stigmatised amongst teenagers because there are people who fake it but there are those who truly feel it and I feel like I’m trapped and have nowhere to turn wherever I go its a dead end and it wouldn’t be the worst thing for anyone if I was just gone. I wanna give up but theres times when I don’t I dont know how to feel and i feel like I am completely alone. I cant even see my counsellor that I used to see because of the lockdown, school is cancelled so I cant keep busy and I just want to grab one of my belts tie it on the showing railing and the other end round my neck and jump straight off the side. I’m sorry that was graphic but if I’m trapped in a house with just my thoughts for much longer I don’t know what’s going to happen. My future is looking bleak, I dont know who I am, my family think I’m all better and I just desperately want to breathe just for a moment. So somebody please tell me, when will i ever feel okay?

mousemeowkin
Posts: 11
Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2020 12:27 pm

Re: When will I ever feel okay?

Postby mousemeowkin » Wed Mar 25, 2020 2:33 am

The covid lockdown is unfortunate. Although the lockdown isn't meant to last for ever, it can last too long. And the longer it lasts the riskier it is for those of us who are in pain.

It seems like what's worked to regulate your mood before the lockdown are activities outside of the house. I hope you manage to find alternatives that will work for you given the restrictions. It will be challenging and I wish you all the best.

I'm sorry about your parents. While people, parents included, may act with the best of intentions, it doesn't lessen the detrimental effects it has on those affected and it doesn't excuse their actions.

someone.
Posts: 19
Joined: Wed Jan 23, 2019 11:47 am

Re: When will I ever feel okay?

Postby someone. » Thu Mar 26, 2020 5:54 am

kl_teenager453671 wrote:I’m not into expressing my feelings but I thought I’d give this a shot. I first began falling into a state of depression at the age of 12. During the Easter holidays of year 8 (I’m in the uk), I don’t think I left my house once in 6 weeks. I had friends, but I didn’t wanna hang out with them. My parents just thought I liked being on my own but honestly I’d never felt so lonely; but I never talked about, with anyone, because that’s not what me and my friends and family talked about, I didn’t wanna be an attention seeker. Then came year 9-10 (age 13-14). The point at which I reached an all time low. In February 2018 alone, I made 2 badly thought out attempts at suicide. One drowning and one cutting. I still have the scar from the cutting. My parents caught me both times I tried. I cut myself for most of year 9. I was 13. This was probably fuelled by the show 13rw, as that gave me an idea of how to outlet my emotional numbness. I didn’t feel much, and what I did feel was just pure sadness. I cut to make me feel more human. Seeing the blood made me feel less dead inside I guess. In February 2018, I moved to a private school, from a year group of 200 to one of 12. I needed a fresh start as my own school was full of bad experiences, and too many people knew too much about my situation. I stayed busy, made new friends. I still felt numb and sad, but it was easier to distract myself. I came out with great GCSE results and I’m now doing my a levels. With the covid-19 lockdown, I’m trapped in a room with my thoughts all day. The voices in my head telling me how easy it would be to kill myself are coming back. Every night for the past week I lay under my covers, play the same song, hug my pillow, and I just cry into it, hoping that my parents wont hear me. I have nothing to distract me from my feelings anymore. My parents wont let me go on anti depressants but I’m just so desperate for anything to make me feel half alive again. My nan suffered with depression so I’m scared to talk to my parents about it again because i fear that my mum is going to feel like she did as a child. At this point I’m past caring about if I get hooked on the pills or side effects I just want my pain to stop I’m tired of feeling like this I feel like someone has their hands around my neck and they’re slowly getting tighter and tighter and I’m struggling for air but I struggle less and less because the more life goes on the less I even want air. I’m at a point where I just want to slip away. I hear whispers at night telling me how easy it would be to hop in the bath, slip underwater and just not come up. Painless, fast, easy. Speaking to my friends isn’t even an option because they wont take me seriously, all they do is make fun of me which is fine but when I’m genuinely trying to express my feelings I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. I also don’t wanna be ‘that girl’. Depression is so stigmatised amongst teenagers because there are people who fake it but there are those who truly feel it and I feel like I’m trapped and have nowhere to turn wherever I go its a dead end and it wouldn’t be the worst thing for anyone if I was just gone. I wanna give up but theres times when I don’t I dont know how to feel and i feel like I am completely alone. I cant even see my counsellor that I used to see because of the lockdown, school is cancelled so I cant keep busy and I just want to grab one of my belts tie it on the showing railing and the other end round my neck and jump straight off the side. I’m sorry that was graphic but if I’m trapped in a house with just my thoughts for much longer I don’t know what’s going to happen. My future is looking bleak, I dont know who I am, my family think I’m all better and I just desperately want to breathe just for a moment. So somebody please tell me, when will i ever feel okay?

im kind of in the same positions I dont know what to say. but hang on and youre not alone. and dont give in. im here for u if u need.
stay safe

Helianthus
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Mar 27, 2020 12:13 pm

Re: When will I ever feel okay?

Postby Helianthus » Fri Mar 27, 2020 12:44 pm

Hi kl_teenager,
I could relate to you (I still have scars from cutting) and I'm in the UK too. This lockdown has made me feel worse too as I usually keep very busy to take my mind off my depression.
I just wondered if your GP suggested antidepressants and your parents said no or if they just said no outright.
If it's helpful to you, you can self-refer for talking therapies - search "iapt" for one in your area.
Please do call the Samaritans if you're feeling really bad, they're non-judgemental no matter your age or your problems. Their number is 116 123 and it's free to call. Or you could email them: [email protected] but the response time is 24 hours.
FWIW I think you will be ok one day but you will need help to get there (therapy and medication - both have helped me).
Heli

oliverfinn556
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Mar 31, 2020 4:07 am
Location: UK
Contact:

Re: When will I ever feel okay?

Postby oliverfinn556 » Tue Mar 31, 2020 4:36 am

The day you will value yourself, it also happened to me once i was a child and good to hear you had friends,i never had a friend and my father was abusive as well so i had every chance to ending my life but once i started valuing myself i overcame this. I started investing in myself learning new skill and doing something with my life. I recently started a boxing channel and a blog which i am doing job. So remember value yourself like for instance take example of Muhammad Ali nobody believes that this 22 year old kid would defeat an unbeatable champion sonny liston but he kept telling himslef i am the greatest and became the world champion. Workout is also a very good way to divert your mind watch some home based workout routines and surely it will help you.
Last edited by oliverfinn556 on Tue Apr 07, 2020 3:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

angelo1936
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Mar 25, 2020 8:26 pm

Re: When will I ever feel okay?

Postby angelo1936 » Wed Apr 01, 2020 5:15 pm

i totally get everything youre saying. if things werent bad enough, theyre even worse with everyone being stuck inside. try to find a way to distract yourself from these thoughts. i know everyone is different, but sometimes playing very happy music very loudly (i recommend worth it by fifth harmony :) ) or telling yourself an old fairytale, one that you have to really think about. i hope this helps. and just remember, you're never alone

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Prycejosh1987
Posts: 133
Joined: Sun May 31, 2020 10:54 am
Location: Birmingham UK
Contact:

Re: When will I ever feel okay?

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Wed Jun 03, 2020 12:36 pm

kl_teenager453671 wrote:I’m not into expressing my feelings but I thought I’d give this a shot. I first began falling into a state of depression at the age of 12. During the Easter holidays of year 8 (I’m in the uk), I don’t think I left my house once in 6 weeks. I had friends, but I didn’t wanna hang out with them. My parents just thought I liked being on my own but honestly I’d never felt so lonely; but I never talked about, with anyone, because that’s not what me and my friends and family talked about, I didn’t wanna be an attention seeker. Then came year 9-10 (age 13-14). The point at which I reached an all time low. In February 2018 alone, I made 2 badly thought out attempts at suicide. One drowning and one cutting. I still have the scar from the cutting. My parents caught me both times I tried. I cut myself for most of year 9. I was 13. This was probably fuelled by the show 13rw, as that gave me an idea of how to outlet my emotional numbness. I didn’t feel much, and what I did feel was just pure sadness. I cut to make me feel more human. Seeing the blood made me feel less dead inside I guess. In February 2018, I moved to a private school, from a year group of 200 to one of 12. I needed a fresh start as my own school was full of bad experiences, and too many people knew too much about my situation. I stayed busy, made new friends. I still felt numb and sad, but it was easier to distract myself. I came out with great GCSE results and I’m now doing my a levels. With the covid-19 lockdown, I’m trapped in a room with my thoughts all day. The voices in my head telling me how easy it would be to kill myself are coming back. Every night for the past week I lay under my covers, play the same song, hug my pillow, and I just cry into it, hoping that my parents wont hear me. I have nothing to distract me from my feelings anymore. My parents wont let me go on anti depressants but I’m just so desperate for anything to make me feel half alive again. My nan suffered with depression so I’m scared to talk to my parents about it again because i fear that my mum is going to feel like she did as a child. At this point I’m past caring about if I get hooked on the pills or side effects I just want my pain to stop I’m tired of feeling like this I feel like someone has their hands around my neck and they’re slowly getting tighter and tighter and I’m struggling for air but I struggle less and less because the more life goes on the less I even want air. I’m at a point where I just want to slip away. I hear whispers at night telling me how easy it would be to hop in the bath, slip underwater and just not come up. Painless, fast, easy. Speaking to my friends isn’t even an option because they wont take me seriously, all they do is make fun of me which is fine but when I’m genuinely trying to express my feelings I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. I also don’t wanna be ‘that girl’. Depression is so stigmatised amongst teenagers because there are people who fake it but there are those who truly feel it and I feel like I’m trapped and have nowhere to turn wherever I go its a dead end and it wouldn’t be the worst thing for anyone if I was just gone. I wanna give up but theres times when I don’t I dont know how to feel and i feel like I am completely alone. I cant even see my counsellor that I used to see because of the lockdown, school is cancelled so I cant keep busy and I just want to grab one of my belts tie it on the showing railing and the other end round my neck and jump straight off the side. I’m sorry that was graphic but if I’m trapped in a house with just my thoughts for much longer I don’t know what’s going to happen. My future is looking bleak, I dont know who I am, my family think I’m all better and I just desperately want to breathe just for a moment. So somebody please tell me, when will i ever feel okay?

You will be okay once you think differently and speak to your friends and your folks because im sure they will be understanding and supportive. Not in a very patronising way but in a very authentic and they will come at you from a real place. Lockdown will end soon, but as it goes on you need to take advantage of it. You can get financial help and you can communicate with your friends with no time limit, etc. You could take on a new hobby. Its good that you did well in studies, so take advantage of that and work into a dream job. I failed all my GCSES at school. It didnt stop me from being offered pay rises and promotions in my work experiences. You can do it.
You can turn the tide, And change your life. Always. :wink:


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