Not sure

[blulil]

Hey to anyone who takes the time out to read this. I've always felt writing helps me to feel better, to make sense of whatever it is in feeling so this is probably going to be a ramble. Just saying.. you were warned!

So on the outside, I'm a very optimistic, upbeat person. Always ready for an adventure, always wanting to enjoy life and every moment but I have periods of extreme loneliness and isolation. I never feel good enough or wanted or taken seriously or that anyone really cares much for me, (which mostly is true of everyone nowadays I guess nobody really cares about anyone else unless they are your child) I turned to food for comfort a lot in the past and I am trying to keep the binging under control with IF as it reduces my appetite. I struggle endlessly to maintain my weight below 200lbs and that again makes me feel useless as a person.

I am married and have a beautiful, funny, strong smart toddler who is my everything. I love him so so much and he brings such joy to my days and I have a good life in general. I don't want for anything. I currently don't work officially. I had a business which I closed when my son was born. I do not miss it at all. I hated being responsible for other people. I write music and have done since before I hit my teenage years. I don't have many fans so it's kind of a double edges sword to put all your time, energy and passion into something and be proud and excited about what you have achieved only to be completely ignored or given a quick pat on the back for "still trying after all these years."

I do some odd bits of freelancing here and there but it's mostly online so I don't get out very often
Not since I had my son and had to sell my car for financial reasons. I live out in the middle of nowhere and don't talk to any neighbours. The most I get to do is go to the supermarket when my husband gets home from work and occasionally we will go for a swim. We don't have date nights. He doesn't believe in baby sitters (I wouldn't trust them here either in honesty) or asking his family for help in the evenings. His family will have our son for a few hours in the day of I need to do a job or urgently need to run an errand but I prefer that he's with me more than in laws.

So my husband is the complete opposite of me. Introvert, quite, happy in his own company, doesn't like to go out or socialize and if we ever do it's a very quick event. He likes his day structured, predicatable and uneventful. I feel extremely isolated most of the time. He isn't a bad person or violent or anything like that. He just is who he is and I get that. But we are both very stubborn and like things out own way but it's usually me and my needs that go by the wayside. He's always quick to point out that now we have a child, our lives and needs come second. I don't agree at all but it makes me feel guilty for wanting to do anything or wanting for more.

And so I shove those feelings down and put on my happy face and get on with cooking and cleaning and trying to be the best possible person I can be for my son. But I'm not okay. I need something and I don't know what exactly that is but I know that I'm not getting it. I have friends but we rarely talk about the real details. I don't want to talk about crap when we are enjoying ourselves. I get enough backlash when I get home because I've taken it too far revelling in having company and stayed out later than my husband would like. We might meet up once every 2 or 3 months. Mostly due to the fact I can't face going through a couple of days of being told how irresponsible I am and that I don't think of others. My family and childhood friends are in my home country and I really don't miss the UK much at all. But I do miss the culture.

Any way, that's kind of where I'm at right now. Don't know if i have depression or bi polar or just general blues or an eating disorder or whatever. I can't afford to go to a therapist and woudhave no dar os getting there anyhow. But yeah this is me.

[mousemeowkin]

I'm glad you've reached out here. It is hard to ask for help especially if it seems to others that we don't need it when really we do.

I really hope writing that post has helped you a little bit.

Good luck.