Just diagnosed, not sure if I need meds
Posted: Thu Nov 14, 2019 5:13 pm
Hi all, I just got diagnosed with depression this week, I almost have all symphtoms, but I'm still feeling that it may not be depression but a problem of attitud.
A little of my story
I was raised to a middle class family, we had difficulties as everybody, but never seen them as a struggle to live. I've been bullied, been rejected, been excluded, never by everybody, sometimes by people that meant something for me. I also see that as process of life, as no one is "a gold coin" (not everybody will like us).
When I was like 12 I had death toughts because I felt like I was trash and I was destroying everybodys lifes with my only existence, never told my mom or anybody else nor did I know I had depression. Do not ask me how I overcame that (or if I really did) as I never went to a psicologist. I'm 34 now, and I have a normal life, married, with a 3yo kid, all normal struggles.
6 years ago my husband lost his job of 9 years in a good company with good pay, 2 months later I lost mine, we both applied for several jobs, he went to interviews but was not selected, I got a job after 1.5 months, great company, good income, I was not 100% qualified for the job, but they picked me, and I wanted to work on that company so much I didn't hesitate. It was great, I surprised myself handling the job (not gracefully, but accomplishing what whas needed), all was good until I sarted feeling the burden of being the main and only job income doing something I would never excell simply because I don't have the kind of intelligence needed for this kind of job, it is always like I do the minimum required and company does not value that kind of performance, I've been stuck on the same job for 6 years, I need to change job but the income I have is not easly offered and can't afford to earn less, worst thing is I can only move to positions alike the actual, and I know there are people more capable of doing my job, so will not get a job on my expertice area, nor in other area bacause I have no other expertice. Additionaly, in this same job I had two pepole in charge, but they just got rid of te positions, so instead of growing I'm shrinking, been changed of boss like 4 times in a year, last-longer boss was a bitch that evaluated me very badly so there is no chance of growing up.
So now I'm stuck in a job I hate, with no views to growing, my kid with eating problems that I feel if I was there wouldn't exist, no posibilities on quitting the job because husband is taking too long on "growing his business". And I feel like a total failure because husband was an excelent student and I blame myself for his unsuccesfull profesional career, like its because of me that he got fired.
Psiquiatrist gave me meds for depression, but I don't want to take them as I know there is no going back to be yourself, and the fact that creates addiction makes me think I dont really need that kind of help, and that my problem might be my attitude and I that I need to activate myself and do other hobbies than just netflix.
Could it simply be routine that has me like this, and not depression? All my life I told myself and loved ones that routine is my killer, and here I am stuck and comfortable in this lazy-selfpitty routine.
A little of my story
I was raised to a middle class family, we had difficulties as everybody, but never seen them as a struggle to live. I've been bullied, been rejected, been excluded, never by everybody, sometimes by people that meant something for me. I also see that as process of life, as no one is "a gold coin" (not everybody will like us).
When I was like 12 I had death toughts because I felt like I was trash and I was destroying everybodys lifes with my only existence, never told my mom or anybody else nor did I know I had depression. Do not ask me how I overcame that (or if I really did) as I never went to a psicologist. I'm 34 now, and I have a normal life, married, with a 3yo kid, all normal struggles.
6 years ago my husband lost his job of 9 years in a good company with good pay, 2 months later I lost mine, we both applied for several jobs, he went to interviews but was not selected, I got a job after 1.5 months, great company, good income, I was not 100% qualified for the job, but they picked me, and I wanted to work on that company so much I didn't hesitate. It was great, I surprised myself handling the job (not gracefully, but accomplishing what whas needed), all was good until I sarted feeling the burden of being the main and only job income doing something I would never excell simply because I don't have the kind of intelligence needed for this kind of job, it is always like I do the minimum required and company does not value that kind of performance, I've been stuck on the same job for 6 years, I need to change job but the income I have is not easly offered and can't afford to earn less, worst thing is I can only move to positions alike the actual, and I know there are people more capable of doing my job, so will not get a job on my expertice area, nor in other area bacause I have no other expertice. Additionaly, in this same job I had two pepole in charge, but they just got rid of te positions, so instead of growing I'm shrinking, been changed of boss like 4 times in a year, last-longer boss was a bitch that evaluated me very badly so there is no chance of growing up.
So now I'm stuck in a job I hate, with no views to growing, my kid with eating problems that I feel if I was there wouldn't exist, no posibilities on quitting the job because husband is taking too long on "growing his business". And I feel like a total failure because husband was an excelent student and I blame myself for his unsuccesfull profesional career, like its because of me that he got fired.
Psiquiatrist gave me meds for depression, but I don't want to take them as I know there is no going back to be yourself, and the fact that creates addiction makes me think I dont really need that kind of help, and that my problem might be my attitude and I that I need to activate myself and do other hobbies than just netflix.
Could it simply be routine that has me like this, and not depression? All my life I told myself and loved ones that routine is my killer, and here I am stuck and comfortable in this lazy-selfpitty routine.