My Story
Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2019 10:30 pm
I am not a good story teller so please bear with me! I have never been fully open to anyone and I thought this might be theraputic..There may be some triggering issues brought up below so warning to those people.. also this is a long story!
I started experiencing depression and anxiety in my late teens, I am 27 years old now.
I remember having a breakdown when my parents decided to get a divorce but I remember my issues spanning back further. My brother use to make me touch him when I was younger- he is three years older than me and it took me until I was older to remember. It has made me uncomfortable with my body and I have abused Senna in the past and I have a strong emotional attachment to food. My father from my early teens until very recently also makes unpleasent comments about my body too, 'a handful enough' and discribing my body if you could see through my clothes in sunlight. Throughout the divorce I did not see my farther, he is best discribed as a pessemistic narcissist. He wanted half of everything, so in his eyes my brother could keep his stuff but my bed etc should be his. He does not ever ask about me, he has never said sorry and only ever wants to one up everyone.
During the divorce my mother changed. She looked after my father during marriage- he has crohns disease (he never helped himself) and obvious mental health issues. He ended up in hospital many times and ended up being a borderline alcoholic. I can remember his dropping to the floor yellow numerous times and being carted off to hospital and the smell of cheap beer sickens me. My mother could no longer cope and managed to fet a lot of support during this time, which honestly she needed however she continued to vent at me (14 yo) discussing bills, likeliness of loosing our home and eventually blaming me for holding her back when her 'new life' started.
She became emotionally abusive and started showing narcassistic traits too. She would only give conditional love (not wanting to let me go to university- my own cost or even 16+ education, she rhiught it was lazy). She also started giving me guilt trips and silent treatment for weeks to months at a time. She was determined I was pregnant at 15 as my periods were irregular (now diagnosed pcod) and made me take over 5 pregnanxy tests spanning over 4 months, blaming me for ruining her life, not havibg money and being stupid. She did this because she hated my bf who stood up for me and use to invite him over (unknown to me) to split us up. She also made silly rules that I had to follow and would count how much meat I put in a sandwich to check *money costs* . I became a wreck and friends family members became concerned that they offred me place to stay.
Luckily I went to university and studied nursing. I did this now as I realised I am a bit of a people pleaser.. but also I did it to prove my mother wrong, that I was useful member of society and deserved her respect. How wrong I was. The moment I got interviews and placements she became bitter and resentful. I cut all contact and it was so freeing. I found the course tough and found I was just very unlucky in placements and timings. I exerienced end of life and deaths almost twice a placement and often unsupported but the patients made it worthwhile.. I often got thank yous and cards, things I never really got before. However things started piling up from my second year, alongside working up to 60 hour weeks in a space of a month i was sued £2000 by my mums abuse ex (agreed contract on university fees but wanted back early after nasty split from mum), my lovely family dog got cancer, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and my Nan had a stroke. I feel to pieces and the mentors i was workimg with were not supportive at all no matter my professionalism. They themselves were behind on my paperwork no matter my prompting and completed a midpoint review and endpoint two days apart(8 week placement) and failed me for no improvement even though other staff had passed me previously with no issues. I vecame suicidal and attempted to take my life sfter a bad hospital shift. Again I was unsupported pulling emergency call bells and no one coming. Doing lone cpr and a previous shift cleaning up a deceased patient who had been left for 5 hours by another member of staff because she ' couldnt be bothered and it wasnt like they needed help anymore. I had to read through the checklist and look up what to do as doing it as no one had the time for me. I waa unsucessful but decided to try again when i graduated as i believed i couldnt mentally survive life in general.
Then a year later my engagement broke down and I lost the only supportive family like structure I had, during my disssertation I returned home ro my mother and she continued to be bulling and abusive. She screamed at me for not getting over it ( we had been together for 7 years) after a week. I informed her that I felt suicidal and i thought that I needed some help. She told me to get on with ir, if i wanted to do it- just do it. This was just after my (dad's father) grandad funeral- i went with my ex as we still get on. She made me feel so guilty and feel that I owed her the world that I even thanked her in my dissertation- How warped my mind had become!
That christmas it got to the point where everything was getting sour. My grandparent (her parents) started supporting me and i stayed there during the day as much as I could. I graduated late November with a 2:1 (somehow!) and had a job lined up for the start of Jan, feb latest. I was so proud but it didnt take long for my mother to get annoyed again at my apparent laziness. After wasting three years having an easy life at uni (apparently..) a gap of a month to get myself on track was too much. One day when I was at my grandparents she locked me out. I had nothing on me and could hear her inside.. i had no coice but to call my ex who immediately alowed me to stay so i got back on my motorbike and drove out there. After informing my grandparents and bother she denied everything and allowed me to collect my things but preceeded to kick me out the moment i walked in. To give a bit of background at home it was my job to cook and clean ..everything. i also paid rent equal to ground rent with amenities. So I wasnt there for free, this money use to go straight into her purse and often used on a night out with her friends as well as her new life.
After this happening for about a week where i sofa surfed she allowed me home and wanted to up my rent further. At which point I asked for it to be broken down so if bills increased in future it could be easily increased with no arguement ( cant argue with numbers!) At which point she lost it and tried to throw me out again. At this point my grandparents worried and gave me a fair some which i put together with my decent savings to buy a small house or flat. Even though my mother did not find out about this at this point she fid still cut them off communication wise again! She had done this in the past for seven years.
I continued to have the same issues with my new job as in my training. Doctors ignoring emergency call bells, pulling dead patients solid hands from bed rails as well as up to 26 patients on a fast paced medical and surgical ward (over our 12 limit). I even once was giving a defrosting kidney for transplant on a hot day in our completely newly opened hospital with faulty air conditioning and no idea where our ice machine was! ( spolier the staff didnt know that we didnt have one and i had to run the length of an average mall across campus to get some from icu!) This was my first time and first week in the new hospital with no protocol, guidance or education. Nothing like holding someone's future in your hands! Luckily i forced their hands with what they had done and the recent cqc review.
At this point I had met my amazing husband but it didnt take long for my mum to get jealous. She believed i didnt work enough (full time of up to 60 hours a week consisting of 12 hour shifts) as I had days of lazing (recovering!) around the house. I had conrinued to pay my rent and cover all cooking and cleaning but it was not enough. I used ghe place like a hotel apparently and was going out to see my bf too much! She kicked me out. Threw my stuff in the garage and i ended up with a single outfit of a tacky red lace dress to visit my new job before starting.. which made quite a stir and a bit if a laugh! I then had to put my pride aside and I asked then my 3 month long bf if j could move in! Luckily he was fine with it and everything was a bit smoother.
My job however continued to be stressful but with a few old buts of sickness i managed to keep it going and the staff became impressed with me. I took on a senior role quickly in a nurse led (no doctors) for about half my shift. However staff grated on me, they could be very homophobic and being a closted bisexual around work and family became depressing. During this time was the final contact by face from my mother and my dad over a nine month period attempted suicide 5 times and was sectioned. My bosses response was, well he tried it again- well you most be use to it by now.
Overall my family support is zero now. My dad still continues to ignore most of my attempted communications. My brother believes my mother was right (he is the golden child as discribed by his wife) and his children dont know who auntie Lanie is or how im related to them. I had to pull myself away out of fear that my mum is very defensive over her 'family' and i didnt want to get him in the middls of it. I have never told him anything, we have never discussed his previous actions either. When i got married i sent a invitation to my mother as a branch. Shw sent back a four page letter .. hand written.. twice in the mail ( so she most have a copy herself and took time to write this disgusting thing) about how i am a lazy horrible human being who doesnt even care about her mum as a person (not even a stranger) but sent love to my husband (as its not her its obviously all to do with me making her this way). I promptly burnt one of the letters. My fathers family also make remarks aboit the blacksheep and say things like ' oh so you havent changed i heard you had been horrible to everyone!' And my nan on that side saying well you shoukd see me more often as you cant say bye when im dead dven though i nursed my grandad on my ward/placement (i know against rules!) And spent every lunch with him encouraging him to eat even though he had no idea who i was due to dementia.
For those TLDR*** lol
I know am looking and trying for the uptenth time to try and get myself on the path to healing and want this to be the last time. For those who didnt tldr (haha) i would take any advice and opinions to stop any depression relapse. Im on medication ( for the fifth time!) I exercise a lot as i am off on sick currently, i do yoga etc. I am also looking for a new job outside of nursing as I dont have the resources to continue though i try to volunteer at an animal charity as much as possible to fulfil the need to not be lazy and be useful to society (i am working on this stupid belief..)
Any tips?
I started experiencing depression and anxiety in my late teens, I am 27 years old now.
I remember having a breakdown when my parents decided to get a divorce but I remember my issues spanning back further. My brother use to make me touch him when I was younger- he is three years older than me and it took me until I was older to remember. It has made me uncomfortable with my body and I have abused Senna in the past and I have a strong emotional attachment to food. My father from my early teens until very recently also makes unpleasent comments about my body too, 'a handful enough' and discribing my body if you could see through my clothes in sunlight. Throughout the divorce I did not see my farther, he is best discribed as a pessemistic narcissist. He wanted half of everything, so in his eyes my brother could keep his stuff but my bed etc should be his. He does not ever ask about me, he has never said sorry and only ever wants to one up everyone.
During the divorce my mother changed. She looked after my father during marriage- he has crohns disease (he never helped himself) and obvious mental health issues. He ended up in hospital many times and ended up being a borderline alcoholic. I can remember his dropping to the floor yellow numerous times and being carted off to hospital and the smell of cheap beer sickens me. My mother could no longer cope and managed to fet a lot of support during this time, which honestly she needed however she continued to vent at me (14 yo) discussing bills, likeliness of loosing our home and eventually blaming me for holding her back when her 'new life' started.
She became emotionally abusive and started showing narcassistic traits too. She would only give conditional love (not wanting to let me go to university- my own cost or even 16+ education, she rhiught it was lazy). She also started giving me guilt trips and silent treatment for weeks to months at a time. She was determined I was pregnant at 15 as my periods were irregular (now diagnosed pcod) and made me take over 5 pregnanxy tests spanning over 4 months, blaming me for ruining her life, not havibg money and being stupid. She did this because she hated my bf who stood up for me and use to invite him over (unknown to me) to split us up. She also made silly rules that I had to follow and would count how much meat I put in a sandwich to check *money costs* . I became a wreck and friends family members became concerned that they offred me place to stay.
Luckily I went to university and studied nursing. I did this now as I realised I am a bit of a people pleaser.. but also I did it to prove my mother wrong, that I was useful member of society and deserved her respect. How wrong I was. The moment I got interviews and placements she became bitter and resentful. I cut all contact and it was so freeing. I found the course tough and found I was just very unlucky in placements and timings. I exerienced end of life and deaths almost twice a placement and often unsupported but the patients made it worthwhile.. I often got thank yous and cards, things I never really got before. However things started piling up from my second year, alongside working up to 60 hour weeks in a space of a month i was sued £2000 by my mums abuse ex (agreed contract on university fees but wanted back early after nasty split from mum), my lovely family dog got cancer, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and my Nan had a stroke. I feel to pieces and the mentors i was workimg with were not supportive at all no matter my professionalism. They themselves were behind on my paperwork no matter my prompting and completed a midpoint review and endpoint two days apart(8 week placement) and failed me for no improvement even though other staff had passed me previously with no issues. I vecame suicidal and attempted to take my life sfter a bad hospital shift. Again I was unsupported pulling emergency call bells and no one coming. Doing lone cpr and a previous shift cleaning up a deceased patient who had been left for 5 hours by another member of staff because she ' couldnt be bothered and it wasnt like they needed help anymore. I had to read through the checklist and look up what to do as doing it as no one had the time for me. I waa unsucessful but decided to try again when i graduated as i believed i couldnt mentally survive life in general.
Then a year later my engagement broke down and I lost the only supportive family like structure I had, during my disssertation I returned home ro my mother and she continued to be bulling and abusive. She screamed at me for not getting over it ( we had been together for 7 years) after a week. I informed her that I felt suicidal and i thought that I needed some help. She told me to get on with ir, if i wanted to do it- just do it. This was just after my (dad's father) grandad funeral- i went with my ex as we still get on. She made me feel so guilty and feel that I owed her the world that I even thanked her in my dissertation- How warped my mind had become!
That christmas it got to the point where everything was getting sour. My grandparent (her parents) started supporting me and i stayed there during the day as much as I could. I graduated late November with a 2:1 (somehow!) and had a job lined up for the start of Jan, feb latest. I was so proud but it didnt take long for my mother to get annoyed again at my apparent laziness. After wasting three years having an easy life at uni (apparently..) a gap of a month to get myself on track was too much. One day when I was at my grandparents she locked me out. I had nothing on me and could hear her inside.. i had no coice but to call my ex who immediately alowed me to stay so i got back on my motorbike and drove out there. After informing my grandparents and bother she denied everything and allowed me to collect my things but preceeded to kick me out the moment i walked in. To give a bit of background at home it was my job to cook and clean ..everything. i also paid rent equal to ground rent with amenities. So I wasnt there for free, this money use to go straight into her purse and often used on a night out with her friends as well as her new life.
After this happening for about a week where i sofa surfed she allowed me home and wanted to up my rent further. At which point I asked for it to be broken down so if bills increased in future it could be easily increased with no arguement ( cant argue with numbers!) At which point she lost it and tried to throw me out again. At this point my grandparents worried and gave me a fair some which i put together with my decent savings to buy a small house or flat. Even though my mother did not find out about this at this point she fid still cut them off communication wise again! She had done this in the past for seven years.
I continued to have the same issues with my new job as in my training. Doctors ignoring emergency call bells, pulling dead patients solid hands from bed rails as well as up to 26 patients on a fast paced medical and surgical ward (over our 12 limit). I even once was giving a defrosting kidney for transplant on a hot day in our completely newly opened hospital with faulty air conditioning and no idea where our ice machine was! ( spolier the staff didnt know that we didnt have one and i had to run the length of an average mall across campus to get some from icu!) This was my first time and first week in the new hospital with no protocol, guidance or education. Nothing like holding someone's future in your hands! Luckily i forced their hands with what they had done and the recent cqc review.
At this point I had met my amazing husband but it didnt take long for my mum to get jealous. She believed i didnt work enough (full time of up to 60 hours a week consisting of 12 hour shifts) as I had days of lazing (recovering!) around the house. I had conrinued to pay my rent and cover all cooking and cleaning but it was not enough. I used ghe place like a hotel apparently and was going out to see my bf too much! She kicked me out. Threw my stuff in the garage and i ended up with a single outfit of a tacky red lace dress to visit my new job before starting.. which made quite a stir and a bit if a laugh! I then had to put my pride aside and I asked then my 3 month long bf if j could move in! Luckily he was fine with it and everything was a bit smoother.
My job however continued to be stressful but with a few old buts of sickness i managed to keep it going and the staff became impressed with me. I took on a senior role quickly in a nurse led (no doctors) for about half my shift. However staff grated on me, they could be very homophobic and being a closted bisexual around work and family became depressing. During this time was the final contact by face from my mother and my dad over a nine month period attempted suicide 5 times and was sectioned. My bosses response was, well he tried it again- well you most be use to it by now.
Overall my family support is zero now. My dad still continues to ignore most of my attempted communications. My brother believes my mother was right (he is the golden child as discribed by his wife) and his children dont know who auntie Lanie is or how im related to them. I had to pull myself away out of fear that my mum is very defensive over her 'family' and i didnt want to get him in the middls of it. I have never told him anything, we have never discussed his previous actions either. When i got married i sent a invitation to my mother as a branch. Shw sent back a four page letter .. hand written.. twice in the mail ( so she most have a copy herself and took time to write this disgusting thing) about how i am a lazy horrible human being who doesnt even care about her mum as a person (not even a stranger) but sent love to my husband (as its not her its obviously all to do with me making her this way). I promptly burnt one of the letters. My fathers family also make remarks aboit the blacksheep and say things like ' oh so you havent changed i heard you had been horrible to everyone!' And my nan on that side saying well you shoukd see me more often as you cant say bye when im dead dven though i nursed my grandad on my ward/placement (i know against rules!) And spent every lunch with him encouraging him to eat even though he had no idea who i was due to dementia.
For those TLDR*** lol
I know am looking and trying for the uptenth time to try and get myself on the path to healing and want this to be the last time. For those who didnt tldr (haha) i would take any advice and opinions to stop any depression relapse. Im on medication ( for the fifth time!) I exercise a lot as i am off on sick currently, i do yoga etc. I am also looking for a new job outside of nursing as I dont have the resources to continue though i try to volunteer at an animal charity as much as possible to fulfil the need to not be lazy and be useful to society (i am working on this stupid belief..)
Any tips?