That is a tragic outcome with your parents. I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you as both a carer and to see your dad this way.
After everything you have been through, and still going through, it is completely understandable why you would feel life is not worth living.
I get the deep desire to remove yourself from existence. I struggled with the thoughts of “to be, or not to be” everyday, year after year.
I also understand the loneliness of not connecting with anyone on a deep emotional level.
If truth be told, I don’t have any real connections in my life either. And you know what? It annoys me. It makes me sad, angry, frustrated and bewildered all at the same time.
I used to let it bother me. I used to question why. I used to question why I bothered existing if I can’t even connect with anyone, let alone function. I questioned what was the point of living, especially if I was going to be alone. And if I did make connections, they only ended up as a temporary part of my life. My life had no value, no meaning.
Life in general just didn’t make sense.
This is not to say that it doesn’t still bother me. I hate the fact that I don’t have a companion and deep relationship with someone. Furthermore, it not something you actually get used to. It will always bother me because it is against what is an inherit part of being human.
But I can’t allow myself to entertain these self-defeating thoughts because it will just make me miserable. I refuse to indulge in negative thoughts because it is toxic and can destroy us. I had depression once and I refuse to ever get it again, so I’m very careful and acutely aware of my thought patterns.
As soon as I get a negative thought, I immediately challenge it. I replace it with realistic thinking. Some say “positive” but sometimes just keeping it real is better. For example, being positive and repeating to myself: “there are no weeds in the garden”, doesn’t change the fact there are weeds and will always be weeds. Keeping it real says, “If I pluck out the weeds, I will be left with a beautiful and healthy garden that I can enjoy”.
I see this as an analogy for life: pluck out the problems before they spread and get worse so that I can enjoy life more.
I waffled on a bit, but the point is… life is worth living. Don’t ask me why, but it is lol Sometimes it is better to not question things we don't fully understand and instead just go with it.
I mean, if I was to be real, I could probably think of more reasons to not exist than to live. I don’t have a family of my own—something I have yearned for since I can remember. So I could easily indulge in self-defeating thoughts and tell myself my life has no value or that I’m not worth living or that I'm unlovable or mentally challenged, etc. But why make myself more miserable than necessary?
Most things are not so bad that we cannot change it. I know I will find someone special that I can have a deep connection with, and so will you.
In the meantime, why not just focus on making other people’s lives better?That’s what I try to do. If I can offer myself to enhance the lives of others, then my life suddenly has value and is meaningful.
I am an informal carer for my uncle whom has special needs. I also have a puppy that I recently got, and he depends on me. What does this mean? I need to stay alive. I don't have time to die or to be depressed. I need to be on top of my game to ensure that they both thrive. Thus I have to stay strong mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. No time for playing mind games with myself.
You just need to find your “why” for living. Find purpose. If you can’t live for yourself, then live for others. Give others a great life. There are many people out there who need to be loved, nurtured and protected.
You will find someone you can love and that will love you. Although, I am yet to find it
But it doesn’t mean I stop living because of it. It is only one part of life. And there is always hope that things will turn out the way we want them, but we will never find out if we don’t stick around long enough for it to happen.
I’m betting that you have a lot to offer this world. There is someone out there waiting for you. Your paths are yet to cross, that's all.