In hopes that this will give some of you peace

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Ang0307
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Sep 22, 2019 5:29 am

In hopes that this will give some of you peace

Postby Ang0307 » Sun Sep 22, 2019 7:00 am

Hello everyone. .this is what I've been through and where I am now. I've been abused, tormented, and anything you can think of. One thing I do not tell others is " well there is someone going through it worse than you". We ALL are wired so very different, we all process emotions differently and one person's feelings in terms of a specific situation may be mild compared to someone else who is experiencing similar emotions. Secondly I'd been told before " go on a walk" " go listen to music" " do something you love". I'm sorry but REAL DEPRESSION NOT SITUATIONAL BUT REAL depression consumes your life..you lose the desire and passion to do the things you once loved. Sometimes I don't get up at all. I could have an interview for my dream job and it would not matter because there is no sense of urgency. I feel like a shell..like someone else who feels like a zombie and although I lay there I feel like my soul has already died..with feelings that are so deep, so full of darkness and hopelessness that I truly could NEVER put it into words..and even if I did they would not begin to touch the pinnacle of sorrow I felt ..and at the same time I feel empty I feel overwhelmed with those same feelings that bring me to the brink of defeat. I rarely talk about this..because so many do not understand. Even therapists and psychiatrists ask " what triggers your depression?" NOTHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I could be with friends and family..or the happiest place on earth..and when it comes it comes..I fear it..I never know when it will come or what version of myself ill be that day. I didn't want to be around people because I don't want to explain. I don't want to be the depressed friend..or the one who just does not want to talk about it. I feel for me personally that when I DO speak with someone about it..I prefer speaking with someone who feels what I do or has similar thoughts..it gives me hope and some what relief..to know I'm not alone..to know that others feel this sense of demise and find a way to get through it. I don't need to explain to them what I feel.. because they know. I figured out that if anything..the trauma and abuse I suffered was
repressed.. I never dealt with it, causing subconscious feelings that I don't realize are still harnessed within me. After years of this affecting my quality life in terms of my choices in work, friendships, family and the daily struggle of pushing myself to get through each day..i could no longer take it. I made a choice. I am going to get through this. I'm not a victim. I'm strong and fierce and my worth is beyond measure. I decided to write out a plan for myself of who I was at that time and what I felt compared to who I wanted to be and what I wanted to feel. I signed up for therapy even though I never thought it would do any good, I started being an advocate for those like me, I cut people out of my life who were not for me, I left the toxic job and the house I lived in to change my environment.I signed up for genesite..because after going through 6363 medications and being a gineau pig I wanted something that worked. I did tms, I started questioning myself when I was depressed. When I had thoughts of despair I'd ask myself" Why am I upset? What in my life is HORRIBLE enough other than depression? I have a roof over my head, I have food, no I'm not where I want to be but I will be! I know it sounds corny but I HAD to question myself against depression to try to fight for my sanity and what is true. I decided that NOTHING would get in the way of my happiness. I was angry. Angry that I felt everything I did when I was depressed. I wanted to die. I always had reasons as to why I could not focus on getting better. I finally stopped working. I was broke. I was barely able to pay my bills and boy was it hard. I cried, I screamed I lost it at times..but I knew I was not going to give up. I know I'm worth it. I would rather be broke and struggle financially for a few months to save myself and have a chance at living a life with some sort of normalcy RATHER than spend the rest of my life this way. It isn't easy. I felt weird saying positive things and questioning myself. I felt lonely with cutting people out. I was afraid of leaving my job etc..but to live a life of misery was not in the cards for me. I would never wish depression on anyone. For those of you who feel what I do in any sense..I want you to know that you are not alone. I know what it feels like..it comsumes you and every part of your mentality and you go day by day concealing these feelings with a smile and a nod..and for some of you..others may think you are the strongest person they know..but have no idea how your heart truly feels. For those of you who feel that life isn't worth it or that you are not worth it..Please stop..and know that every single one of us has a purpose, we have the control, the perseverance and the power to fight to find those qualities that already exist in us. Each and every one of us. It doesn't matter what skin color, what race, your level of education, your neighborhood, your lack of a mother or father or the lack of both, where you are now, or what has happened in the past. Who we are and who we want to be is a choice we make and it is done by deciding that we are not going to let depression consume who we are and who we were meant to be. When you are crying in your car, your home, on the street, whether your partner doesn't understand you..Who you are is in you..we just need to dig and focus on fighting for us..it is the hardest thing I've ever done..ive wanted to give up so many times..just please wherever you are no matter who you are..im with you ..all of us are together ❤. You are not alone.

Spleefy
Posts: 241
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: In hopes that this will give some of you peace

Postby Spleefy » Mon Sep 23, 2019 6:26 am

Hi Ang0307,

Thank you for your comforting words—I’m sure many people here will feel loved and not so alone.

I remember when I had depression and some people would tell me that “there are people worse off than you.”

At the time, I found these type of statements counterproductive. I do get why people say this: it is to put things into perspective. It can just come across the wrong way when you say it to someone in a sensitive state of mind, such as depression.

I think, though, it depends on how someone says it or the meaning behind the statement. For example, my father would say, “there is always someone worse off.” What he really meant was: “your problems are not that bad compared to what many other people go through.” In this way, he was trivializing my feelings by comparing my experiences with that of other people’s.

He would also tell me, “I’ve been through far worse than you ever have, so if anyone should be depressed, it should be me.” Again, this made me feel like he was trivializing my experiences whilst elevating his own.

I’ve also had my friend’s father show us photos of people executed during the war or holocaust. This was his way of trying to put things into perspective for us :lol: But, again, he was comparing our experiences with other people’s experiences.

So while I don’t believe in comparing people’s experiences, I do believe it is important to remind ourselves that there is always someone less fortunate than ourselves. It is too easy to get caught up in our own issues and catastrophize.

I do realize this is a bit tricker with depression, as depression is not merely someone having a bad day and complaining about it. Depression hijacks our thinking, behavior, our personality… everything.

You are spot on when you say depression consumes our lives. Doesn’t it ever!!!

I do, however, think suggestions, such as “go for a walk” or to “do something you enjoy”, has merit. These things won’t cure depression, but they are fundamental coping strategies. I do understand that, for some people with depression, they can't even get themselves out of bed, let alone have the motivation to go for a walk.

I also know that, with depression, we no longer find joy or interest in the things we once did. This is why it is important to make that effort to exercise, walk, and find an interest—to keep busy. It is critical to keep moving and gain momentum and not to let depression consume us.

Depression is debilitating. But we can’t just curl up in a ball in the corner and die. We need to keep moving, keep doing things, and keep busy the best we can, despite how horrendously challenging it is. It sounds like you made the choice to do this, so kudos to you.

I was one of those people fortunate to have motivation, even with depression. I tried to work, I did courses, I did housework, I maintained myself and still dressed well, I kept searching for hobbies and interests in things--I always made an effort. But I will never forget how impossible it was to function as a healthy person does. I just could not reach my full potential because depression was in control

I remember when the doctor suggested to me to get a job and to keep busy. I took offense to this because I was depressed and just couldn’t think clearly or rationally.

Now, in retrospect, I get why the doctor suggested this to me. Although the mainstream workforce was not feasible at the time in my current condition, the suggestion does have merit. Also, for some people, working and keeping busy does help in their case. For others, however, such as myself, I was unable to function enough to hold down a regular job with regular hours at the time. I tried so many times to do this, but I would always have breakdowns and feel even more depressed.

So when he suggested this to me, I felt like he didn’t understand and thus I felt further isolated and alone than I already did. But he wasn't to know what I was capable and not capable of handling, so I see things differently now then I did back then when he said it.

Great job for making so many changes in your life and deciding to not be a victim of depression. Instead, you are choosing to be a depression survivor. That definitely takes a lot of strength. Your words of encouragement and determination to do something about your situation is inspiring. So thank you for sharing your thoughts, experiences, and love with us.
Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those who are crushed in spirit.—Psalm 34:18


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