Feeling trapped by my decisions
Posted: Thu Sep 19, 2019 8:18 am
It is really nice to have this space to share our stories. I have been trying to cope with depression for months, let me tell you why...
One and a half years ago I moved to France with my wife and kid to pursue a PhD. We had a good life in our country, but three years ago, when the opportunity arose, we decided to leave everything behind (sold our apartment, took our kid out of the school, etc), and moved to this country.
I came here with huge expectations and a lot of enthusiasm, as I had been looking forward to finally do 'high-level' research in my field for years. However, as time passed, I start realising that 'research' wasn't what I expected. I was expecting doing some kind of contribution, or at least learn something meaningful, but then little by little, by reading the dissertations of the very few group mates that managed to graduate in my institution, I realised that what really matters here is quantity... to an extent that you have little time to actually do a meaningful work, as you have to focus 'publish or perish'... So, after working for so long in this 'intellectually discouraging' environment, my enthusiasm at this moment is completely depleted... I forgot how it feels to achieve something, because I find my current work pointless.
The problem, and the cause of my recurrent depression episodes is... I feel trapped. I brought my family into this venture, and they have also been struggling with this change, but I think they finally got adapted to this change, so I can't imagine quitting to my current position and making them suffer a new change on their lives. On the other hand, a PhD position, unlike any other job, is something that you can't leave without consequences... because no matter how hard you worked on the time you spend there, if you don't get the degree, it will be seen as a failure in your CV...
I feel trapped... sometimes I would like to start applying to a new job, but at this moment of my life, with a family, I'm hesitant of taking risks and making my family to struggle more because of my decisions... In the meantime I'm doing a lot of exercise, meditation,... anything that helps me to rise a little my motivation, and keeping moving forward in my work... however, I don't know for how long I will be able to cope with this situation and the episodes of depression caused by it...
Xairo
One and a half years ago I moved to France with my wife and kid to pursue a PhD. We had a good life in our country, but three years ago, when the opportunity arose, we decided to leave everything behind (sold our apartment, took our kid out of the school, etc), and moved to this country.
I came here with huge expectations and a lot of enthusiasm, as I had been looking forward to finally do 'high-level' research in my field for years. However, as time passed, I start realising that 'research' wasn't what I expected. I was expecting doing some kind of contribution, or at least learn something meaningful, but then little by little, by reading the dissertations of the very few group mates that managed to graduate in my institution, I realised that what really matters here is quantity... to an extent that you have little time to actually do a meaningful work, as you have to focus 'publish or perish'... So, after working for so long in this 'intellectually discouraging' environment, my enthusiasm at this moment is completely depleted... I forgot how it feels to achieve something, because I find my current work pointless.
The problem, and the cause of my recurrent depression episodes is... I feel trapped. I brought my family into this venture, and they have also been struggling with this change, but I think they finally got adapted to this change, so I can't imagine quitting to my current position and making them suffer a new change on their lives. On the other hand, a PhD position, unlike any other job, is something that you can't leave without consequences... because no matter how hard you worked on the time you spend there, if you don't get the degree, it will be seen as a failure in your CV...
I feel trapped... sometimes I would like to start applying to a new job, but at this moment of my life, with a family, I'm hesitant of taking risks and making my family to struggle more because of my decisions... In the meantime I'm doing a lot of exercise, meditation,... anything that helps me to rise a little my motivation, and keeping moving forward in my work... however, I don't know for how long I will be able to cope with this situation and the episodes of depression caused by it...
Xairo