This all feel tiring
Posted: Wed Sep 18, 2019 10:26 am
I've been feeling numb ever since I started highschool. Being left with all those assignment and test, I started to wonder, "What's the point in all this?"
Then graduation came. The thought of starting a new and fresh side of me came to mind, but then, nothing changed. I strived for a scholarship, but my math scores won't let me do that, so I just went to college with regular way like anybody else.
It felt scary being an ordinary person. Knowing you wouldn't be special. I don't have a specific talents or gifted with special ability, I just had an interest in art, and that's the only thing keeping me up until now.
My life now felt like a repetition of an empty days. Nothing special, everything were just so ordinary. I've been wanting to talk about my feelings to someone else. But I was just to scared to see a therapist, realizing that there may be someone with worse life than me and I felt bad. So I went to talk to my friend, telling her I need an advice badly but then I back off cause I was just to scared. It felt like she was staring at me with an expression of " Anyone has their own problem, and I don't even tell you mine. You should stop exaggerating stuff."
After that I just felt miserable for not being able to keep my feeling alone. I stopped bringing up the topics of wanting to talk, then we became ordinary friends in an ordinary days again. Nothing special. But everything was now filled with anxiety.
There was this group of womans in a class I took. They would laugh when they talk to me, or talking about me. I can hear my name being continue with laughter, but I don't really know why they did that. When they met me, they would've just called my name, then laugh with their friends.
And I was just pretending I don't realized. When in fact, it's bothering me too much.
I started to check on my face, if there's some food left there, or if my shoes are tied. But then, I still couldn't get why they always laugh at me, or think my attitude is funny. Guess I looked stupid, then.
It's so tiring to deal with social interaction in college. I am just too awkward to be in someone's group of friend, so I just stand behind them, never really tried to fit in, cause me thinking a topic to say can took one day. Then having a courage to say day took one hour. After that, I started to curse myself for saying something weird and awkward, or even just to quiet for someone too hear. This all feel tiring. I'm sorry for whining. :")
Then graduation came. The thought of starting a new and fresh side of me came to mind, but then, nothing changed. I strived for a scholarship, but my math scores won't let me do that, so I just went to college with regular way like anybody else.
It felt scary being an ordinary person. Knowing you wouldn't be special. I don't have a specific talents or gifted with special ability, I just had an interest in art, and that's the only thing keeping me up until now.
My life now felt like a repetition of an empty days. Nothing special, everything were just so ordinary. I've been wanting to talk about my feelings to someone else. But I was just to scared to see a therapist, realizing that there may be someone with worse life than me and I felt bad. So I went to talk to my friend, telling her I need an advice badly but then I back off cause I was just to scared. It felt like she was staring at me with an expression of " Anyone has their own problem, and I don't even tell you mine. You should stop exaggerating stuff."
After that I just felt miserable for not being able to keep my feeling alone. I stopped bringing up the topics of wanting to talk, then we became ordinary friends in an ordinary days again. Nothing special. But everything was now filled with anxiety.
There was this group of womans in a class I took. They would laugh when they talk to me, or talking about me. I can hear my name being continue with laughter, but I don't really know why they did that. When they met me, they would've just called my name, then laugh with their friends.
And I was just pretending I don't realized. When in fact, it's bothering me too much.
I started to check on my face, if there's some food left there, or if my shoes are tied. But then, I still couldn't get why they always laugh at me, or think my attitude is funny. Guess I looked stupid, then.
It's so tiring to deal with social interaction in college. I am just too awkward to be in someone's group of friend, so I just stand behind them, never really tried to fit in, cause me thinking a topic to say can took one day. Then having a courage to say day took one hour. After that, I started to curse myself for saying something weird and awkward, or even just to quiet for someone too hear. This all feel tiring. I'm sorry for whining. :")