This all feel tiring

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, cj-, Moderators

AmandaNoh
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:37 am

This all feel tiring

Postby AmandaNoh » Wed Sep 18, 2019 10:26 am

I've been feeling numb ever since I started highschool. Being left with all those assignment and test, I started to wonder, "What's the point in all this?"
Then graduation came. The thought of starting a new and fresh side of me came to mind, but then, nothing changed. I strived for a scholarship, but my math scores won't let me do that, so I just went to college with regular way like anybody else.
It felt scary being an ordinary person. Knowing you wouldn't be special. I don't have a specific talents or gifted with special ability, I just had an interest in art, and that's the only thing keeping me up until now.
My life now felt like a repetition of an empty days. Nothing special, everything were just so ordinary. I've been wanting to talk about my feelings to someone else. But I was just to scared to see a therapist, realizing that there may be someone with worse life than me and I felt bad. So I went to talk to my friend, telling her I need an advice badly but then I back off cause I was just to scared. It felt like she was staring at me with an expression of " Anyone has their own problem, and I don't even tell you mine. You should stop exaggerating stuff."
After that I just felt miserable for not being able to keep my feeling alone. I stopped bringing up the topics of wanting to talk, then we became ordinary friends in an ordinary days again. Nothing special. But everything was now filled with anxiety.
There was this group of womans in a class I took. They would laugh when they talk to me, or talking about me. I can hear my name being continue with laughter, but I don't really know why they did that. When they met me, they would've just called my name, then laugh with their friends.
And I was just pretending I don't realized. When in fact, it's bothering me too much.
I started to check on my face, if there's some food left there, or if my shoes are tied. But then, I still couldn't get why they always laugh at me, or think my attitude is funny. Guess I looked stupid, then.
It's so tiring to deal with social interaction in college. I am just too awkward to be in someone's group of friend, so I just stand behind them, never really tried to fit in, cause me thinking a topic to say can took one day. Then having a courage to say day took one hour. After that, I started to curse myself for saying something weird and awkward, or even just to quiet for someone too hear. This all feel tiring. I'm sorry for whining. :")

Spleefy
Posts: 241
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: This all feel tiring

Postby Spleefy » Wed Sep 18, 2019 9:43 pm

Hi AmandaNoh,

Why are you apologizing? No need :) And why did you apologize for discussing your feelings. You are in a depression forum—that is the whole point. That would be the first place to start… don’t apologize for talking about your feelings!

True friends or people that actually care about other people besides themselves will listen and never make you feel guilty, ashamed, or as if something is wrong with you for talking about your feelings.

About being “special.” Who said you are not special? There is only ONE of you, so you are special and unique. You are the best version of yourself!

We all have our own set of skills, abilities and talents. I’m still trying to find mine haha. Admittedly, that has always been one of the things that has bothered me a great deal in my life.

You see other people around you that has found their talent or something they are skilled in, and you wish you could find yours. I used to tell myself all kinds of stuff, such as I was "worthless", "useless", "good for nothing", a "waste of space", "I have an intellectual disability or learning disability", and other things I won't repeat here.

But it’s all good, I’ll eventually find something that I can excel in, and so will you.

I noticed you said you “felt” that your friend was staring at you with a certain expression. Did she actually say those words to you or did you just assume she was thinking it? In other words, did you put those words into her mouth or did she actually say it?

Most days are “ordinary.” Perhaps redefine what “special” means to you. What is “special”? What does a “special” day mean? What is a “special” person? What makes a “special” person?

It’s great that you have an interest in something. There are people that haven’t yet found something they are interested in. Art is a fantastic creative outlet. I’m sure many of us would love to see what you have created. I know I would.

One of my friends loves art. She recently created a mermaid using shells for the body, feathers for the hair, glitter for the shimmer on the water’s surface, etc. It was her first time creating it, and I think she did a wonderful job.

Therapy may help because the therapist can help to put things into perspective, teach you effective coping strategies, and other life skills. It will also give you an opportunity to discuss your feelings in a safe environment. There is always someone worse off. Just like there is always someone who is more talented than us. It is just how life works. But don’t let that stop you from talking about your feelings or thinking that your feelings are not bad. Our experiences are our own and bad to us.

You will come across all types of people and social interactions—some wonderful and some not so good. Nobody is “too awkward” to fit into a group or to be someone’s friend. This is life--not those ridiculous teen comedy flicks, such as “Mean Girls”.

Just be yourself, and seek good associations, and you will attract good people in your life who are mature enough for a real friendship.
Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those who are crushed in spirit.—Psalm 34:18

AmandaNoh
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:37 am

Re: This all feel tiring

Postby AmandaNoh » Thu Sep 19, 2019 6:25 am

Thank you so much for giving reply. I suddenly felt like I was being so childish, lol. Yeah though I never knew how the word special would fit me, I appreciate the words. It lifts my day up, thank you. My friend was nice, but at the time I was trying to talk about my own feelings, she too, was having lots of thoughts about college and yeah, she said those things, like "I had my own problem too, if you aren't going to talk now, I'm going to do my assigment" (cause I was so unsure if I should tell her or not I ended up spacing out after saying I wanted to talk and leave her hanging, I know I'm wrong, geez, I'm so slow) but she wasn't being rude or anything, It's just that I keep talking about how much I wanted to talk, but then didn't do it :D As for those other group of friends, I decided to ask them why did they laugh at me the whole time after talking to me, but I just couldn't find the right time to do so. I know maybe they didn't have a bad intention, probably I did something embarrassing on my freshman's year or something like that, but I'll certainly bring the topic out. Just felt like I need to release all this anxiety, thank you for replying!
Anyway, I hope you had a nice day.

LiveLaughLove2018
Posts: 20
Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 2:06 pm

Re: This all feel tiring

Postby LiveLaughLove2018 » Fri Sep 20, 2019 9:39 pm

Hi AmandaNoh,

Thank you for reaching out here. This is a safe place to share. Everyone understands the struggles of life, especially with anxiety and depression. The most important thing to learn is we think people are thinking something about us, when the truth is most of the time they are not. Those ladies may have been laughing, but not have anything to do with you. Our perspective is so important. Keeping our thoughts in check about ourselves is major. You are special and you do have special qualities. God designed us uniquely and wonderfully made. No two people are the same. I had to to learn to love myself and believe it. I pray you learn that too. Two really helpful things that have helped me not worry about what others think of me, become more self-assured and keep my thoughts uplifting about myself ...one was was looking in a mirror and telling myself that I am special, I do matter, and I have value. You are special, you do matter, and you have value. Try that exercise for 2 minutes a day. What we say to ourselves we believe positive or negative. So if we say we are special then we believe it. The other resource is Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyers.https://bit.ly/2m2ayDD She teaches in her book that we need to learn to take our thoughts captive and our mind is really a battlefield, but we can win and have a peaceful and content life. It is our choice. I will be praying for you and would be happy to chat with you via pm if you would like. Hugs and Blessings.

Spleefy
Posts: 241
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: This all feel tiring

Postby Spleefy » Sat Sep 21, 2019 9:44 am

Hi AmandaNoh,

Oh, I do apologize if I said anything that contributed to you feeling childish lol. But I just wanted to keep it real and give you some perspective on the situation. It can be hard for us to see things clearly when things are happening to us directly. Thus, it can have another person not directly involved to help put things into better perspective.

Livelaugh made a good point about God designing us uniquely. To God, we are all special in his eyes, and he loves us all. It actually reminded me of a scripture in Psalm 118:6, “Jehovah is on my side; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”

This scripture reminds me that man cannot hurt us, so long as we have Jehovah God on our side. Man can laugh, be nasty, and do whatever to our bodies… but no man can crush our spirit. It also reminds me that even when people judge me, be cruel to me, speak ill of me, slander me, laugh at me, mock me, or even hate me… I will always have Jehovah’s love, loyalty, acceptance, and forgiveness. And, without a doubt, I value God's opinion of me more than I ever will man's opinion of me.

I've had people, especially family, think the worst of me. I've had people spread nasty rumors or make judgement. Heck, apparently I'm "gay". A get a number of comments on how well I dress. In modern living, people tend to dress down rather than up. I like to dress sharp--it's just how I roll. I also live in a country town, and I dress more like I live in the city than the country. So this might have something to do with it, I don't know. But it is fascinating that dressing sharp is associated with homosexuality.

I've had all kinds of crap thrown at me. But does it matter? Nah. They are just imperfect human beings unhappy with their own lives and so need to try to bring other people down to their low standards. I have Jehovah, so man's words or harsh treatment has less impact and importance.

I thought I would share this to highlight how there are so many ways we can flip the script on any situation in life. Admittedly, some situations are harder to flip than others, but it is always doable.

Also, you mentioned that you “probably did something embarrassing…”. I just wanted to comment on this because it is a common problem that we all experience in our lives at some point, particularly in our youth.

It is natural for us to feel self-conscious and worry about what others think of us or if we did anything embarrassing. To be honest, this actually becomes less of an issue as we grow older. I’m in my 30’s and I look back and laugh at the silliness of it all—that is, how I was so concerned about what others thought of me or if I did something embarrassing.

Now, I just laugh if I do something embarrassing, and if I have witnesses, they will laugh with me. Why? Because it’s funny! And it's actually better when you do get a few witnesses because you can enjoy the comedy show with other people :lol: Once we get over the puppy stage in our lives, we start to loosen up a bit and begin to see the comical side of our screw ups and embarrassing moments. It is all a part of the joy of life.

Although I’m not in your situation, if I felt a group of people were laughing at me, I would laugh with them and ask them what’s so funny in a friendly way. Just go along with it. Maybe you have a booger hanging out of your snout. Or maybe you did do something embarrassing. Just have fun with this! You'll also find people's attitudes towards you change, too.

When I was in high school and highly self-conscious, my father told me to laugh along with other people if they are laughing at me. And he did say that you'll find people's attitudes towards you will change when they see that you can have fun and not get so defensive or sensitive about stuff. He was right! We used to name call each other at school. I started to name call myself, and people would laugh and start copying it and name call themselves, too :lol: Potential enemies ended up becoming great friends of mine all because I flipped the script and put myself in control of the situation rather than reacting to it--thanks to my Father's wonderful words of advice.

Also, in the years to come, it will all be forgotten about and just a thing of the past--something else he told me when I was a pup.

Have an amazing day!
Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those who are crushed in spirit.—Psalm 34:18

LiveLaughLove2018
Posts: 20
Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 2:06 pm

Re: This all feel tiring

Postby LiveLaughLove2018 » Wed Sep 25, 2019 8:48 pm

Just thought I would check to see how you are doing this week. I have been praying for you. God Bless!


Return to “Your Story”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 8 guests