My Sad Depression Story

[worthlessandalone]

I was born the youngest of 4. My parents must have given me a lot of love at first because I don't remember ever feeling any sadness in my life until the age of 4 when my parents started to leave me alone with my older siblings.

I reached out for attention, validation, and love, and all I got was invalidation and dismissal of everything I said.
I learned that what I say doesn't matter, and that I don't belong.

School started and my parents tell me I was excited to go to school. Everything was going well until my mom, suspecting a teacher was racist, took me out of that class and I was placed in a class with rowdy children. Surprised that children could get away with such behavior I quickly took on their rowdy traits. The attention I got from being boisterous and wild fulfilled a need so I continued.

2nd grade I was in the experimental class that my 1 and only sister had taken the year before. I remember walking in on a convo my mom was having with one of 2nd grade teachers. I heard my mom say, 'they're 2 different people.' I instantly knew what was going on - my teacher was comparing me to my sister with disappointment that I wasn't like her. I felt a wound so deep I can't begin to tell you. I felt in that moment that I was a disappointment, and all who meet me after meeting my sister first, would be disappointed. I was the lesser of the two sisters.

3rd grade was the year everyone got tested for the Gifted and Talented Magnet program, the program where the cream of the crop gets to go to learn, separated from all the normies who just don't have the capacity for such special knowledge. My older brother and sister got in no problem, but me, when it was my turn to take it, I didn't get in.

Looking back, I didn't take the test seriously and saw it as an opportunity to be my silly self to gain laughter from the testing teacher. They told me I didn't get in because I wasn't 'mature' but that didn't matter to my 8 year old brain. It was just more proof that I didn't belong, and now something further - there's something wrong with me, I'm less-than, I'm the defective child.

At 5 years old I remember wandering around the house to find an adult film on in the living room. I froze. My brother who had to be 11 at the time was watching. It screwed me up. My innocence was lost. I didn't know what to do with this. I stuffed it.

Over the years I would wander into the bathroom to find nude magazines strewn across the floor. At 11, while my parents were away, I would wander into my parents room and see my brother watching a sexually explicit movie on HBO.

All throughout this time I was routinely getting beat, yelled, at and emotionally abused by my mom.

And my dad, whenever I would tell him about my sad feelings, he would tell me that the event that took place should never produce sad feelings within me, and would use logic to demand that I felt a different way.

I learned that the feelings so true for me, were wrong. I began to believe even deeper that something was wrong with me.

When I was in 6th grade my sister had gone off to a special magnet school. By this time, I had shifted my longing for being seen and loved by my family by being seen and loved by my classmates. And I thought I could do this by attaining popularity. My best friend was popular so I figured as long as I was with her, I'd have made it. I was betrayed and laughed at by her, and i took it because obscurity was a worse fate. Wanting to fit in I began to talk like her and her friends. Thankfully, we moved to another state at the end of the year.

I continued my goal of gaining popularity meanwhile telling myself how much of a loser I was. I was getting more and more depressed but at the same time put on a happy face to everyone. It was sometime during high school that I learned about the anorexia epidemic and the pro-and sites.

I felt anorexia was my key- i would gain attention by being underweight, and I would gain a sense of belonging by being a part of a global community of other girls who were underweight.

It worked, but the attention I got from my dad was scary. He would yell at me for being underweight. My mom would scold me. If they were concerned they had a horrible way of showing it.

Finally senior year of hs my mom had an unpredictable and unrelated meltdown and unleashed her anger and emotional abuse on me. At this time I would mope around the house and privately ask God to take my life. My dad saw me one day and asked if i had depression. We looked at the signs and I had all of them. He took me to a psychiatrist who prescribed me meds because i was suicidal.

I spoke to a therapist but was afraid to say I was starving myself on purpose and made up some lie to the effect of my undereating was unintentional. I figured I would be seeing her more and more and would tell her everything as I got to know her.

-The only problem is - I never saw her again after that first session.

Someone made the decision to put me on meds without giving me a therapist.

It was the dumbest decision ever.

As a result, none of my thoughts of absent-self-worth were addressed, my belief that having a bf would make everything go away never came to light, my feeling of feeling like the defective and less-than sister was never addressed, my anorexia was never addressed, my repressed memories of being beaten and my innocence taken away at an early age were never addressed

...but it was supposed to be ok because i was on prozac...

When it came time to apply for college I didn't want to try for a really good school because i didn't want to risk feeling that feeling I felt when i didn't get into the magnet program.

A small private Catholic school recruited me and offered me a full-ride. I figured it was the smartest move.

And because I never got the help I needed, I went to the school thinking if i was just popular and if i just had a boyfriend, everything would be ok.

I began to try to create the high school experience I never had.

And since I was a devout Catholic, I thought everyone else was too.

I had never been sexually intimate with a guy and didn't intend to until marriage so its an understatement to say I was shocked when a boy exposed himself to me for the first time. We weren't even dating or had exchanged many words. I just thought we were going be friends.

Long story short my virginity was taken away from me without my consent that semester by a man who was 10 years older than me. The things that happened after are statistically common for women who have been raped.

And now I'm here 12 years after. I got everything the world said would make me happy - boyfriends, marriage proposals, fame, friends, popularity, a copious amount of travel around the globe.

I became born-again last fall (I'm protestant now), finally underwent therapy and let some of this stuff off my chest. But still, I wasn't myself with my therapist, not completely, or with anyone else. I've been trying to put on this - I'm a happy Christian and I can't be sad because I'm chosen, fearfully and wonderfully made, oh and my creator joined humanity and died the most painful death just so I can have a relationship with him for all eternity so doesn't that mean I'm loved and special? - face BUT IT'S ALL FAKE. I believe the Gospel but it DOESN'T DO ANYTHING FOR MY FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY AND LACK OF SELF WORTH AND IM SICK OF PRETENDING IT DOES. IM DONE.

And so I came here. I just want somewhere where I can have authentic connection. And be honest about the fact that I'm NOT OK.

[KeraBear]

Hello,

Much like you, I too have battled depression for most of my life. I have searched for happiness within so many people, places, and things. My father was very physically and verbally abusive when I was growing up so I developed feelings of inadequacy at a very early age as well. He was also very abusive to my mother so she could rarely protect me from his wrath. I too tried searching for acceptance in school from my peers to no real avail. I say all of this not to detract from your story and feelings but to try and offer something that might help. It seems that you have an interest in the Bible because you mentioned being at one time a Catholic but now you are Protestant. Well, I am a Jehovah's Witness and I frequently look to the Bible for support when trying to cope with my depression. Here are a couple of links to articles that may help you start to piece things together. They have helped me.

https://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/q ... depressed/
https://www.jw.org/en/publications/maga ... f-comfort/

[Spleefy]

You’ve had quite a rocky start to life. It is sad when we don’t receive the love and healthy attention that we all need from our family, especially our parents. I always wished I was close to my family.

You are good at reflecting on the past and self-analysis.

Yes, depression needs more than medication alone. After all, depression is not a Prozac deficiency. It never ceases to amaze me that with all the education doctors receive they still limit themselves to drug therapy without exploring other—and more effective—options, even if in conjunction with drug therapy. It goes to show the limitations of their training and thus limited ability to help people to become healthy.

You mentioned religion and so it is good that you are a spiritual person. I learnt that our lives can never be truly fulfilled when we don’t satisfy our spiritual needs. I prefer the holistic approach to health (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual). When one or more of these are missing, we feel empty and unsatisfied.

If you haven’t already, I strongly encourage you to check out the links that KeraBear provided on depression and finding comfort in Jehovah God.

Jehovah God is my savior.

A quick backstory...

I had a relapse a few years ago. One night I called out to God, using his name Jehovah, to help me--to comfort me. I hit rock bottom and was contemplating ending my life in order to stop the emotional pain.

I have always had an open mind about the existence of a higher power, such as God, but I didn't know his name and it was through pagan worship.

It wasn't until I prayed to him that night with a sincere heart and in truth that my life changed. As it says in Psalm 145:18: "Jehovah is near to all those calling on him, to all who call on him in truth."

You will find tons of excellent publications and articles on depression and other life matters on the JW.Org website in the links that KeraBear provided. These publications strictly use Bible principles to live a happier and fulfilling life that are easy to read and apply in your own life immediately.

I personally find a lot of comfort reading the publications, talking to my spiritual brothers and sisters, and praying to Jehovah God for guidance, help, support, and comfort. You, too, may also find comfort within the pages of the publications and the Bible.