Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Joined: Sat Aug 24, 2019 7:43 pm


Postby elriced » Sat Aug 24, 2019 7:52 pm

Why I think I am depressed.

I’m writing this because I have the feeling that I have some form of depression.
I have been thinking this for a “long” time now and I will explain why.
It all started when I was about eighteen. As I was starting college and was living on my own,
I was experiencing a lot of new things. A lot of problems and emotions I never had to deal with before. I always had a clear mind about what I wanted and was a person of principles and lived by them. Or so I thought. But as I was experiencing these new things my reaction to those things was not according to what my principals were. I did things I never thought I would do and was very ashamed and disappointed in myself for it.
Long story short, my world I thought to be true fell apart. Not that it was necessarily a bad thing. I guess it was bound to happen anyway. I was still very young and of course my idea of the world wasn’t a realistic one.
But what it also did was make me more critical. My foundations were gone, and I had to reassess everything. This whole process was very difficult and emotional for me.
This also triggered a habit of mine. Overthinking. I’ve always done it.
But now I was doing it all the time. To the point it drove me mad.
With overthinking, came worrying. And that eventually led to sadness.
Of course I had been sad before. But this was a lingering sadness.
One I wouldn’t forget easily and could take over my mind with great force.
I also feared this sadness. Every time I was alone with my thoughts, I knew they could lead me to sadness again. So I got these panic attacks. I was panicking from fear of my own mind.
I couldn’t stop it. This made me look for distractions. I went to friends at night, or to the bar. And if no one was available I went to the night shop to buy a couple of beers and drink them back home on my own. It soothed my mind, or at least sedated it.
But with sedation at night came guilt in the morning. I was ashamed of myself and would better my life. Every morning, that was my promise. During the day nothing of what I wanted to do happened and when evening came, I would panic again.
And in fear and disappointment I would go and buy myself some beers again to calm down. This process would repeat almost every day. I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t doing the right things in my life. I wasn’t the person who I wanted to be. I wasn’t studying the right thing for me. I believed that was what was causing everything I was going through.
I would have to flip my life upside down and start all over again. (this all happened over the span of two years)

So That’s what I did.
It was also the first time I reached for help, because I had no idea what to do. I wrote a letter to my mom, sort of explaining my situation. She said that maybe talking to a therapist wouldn’t be a bad idea. I had decided to take a year off to figure out what I should do.
Going to the therapy helped in that. The sadness was still slumbering and I had some of days, But I had come to think it was just a part of who I was and it would never go away fully.
I already at that time thought I might have depression. But I never talked about this with my therapist. These conversations where about helping me find what it is I wanted.
I had told nobody the full truth of my decisions.
As my off year went by, I still hadn’t made a decision and was very stressed about it.
Then finally I had made a decision. I was going to study again and was accepted into a school where I could follow my passion. For the first time in a while, I was feeling hopeful and confident. This was my second chance. So, I took it very seriously and would give my all for this opportunity. And I did. I gave everything in my first year, I just completed.
Not to brag or anything, but it paid of as well. My grades were excellent. I am one of the top students.

But all that work also caused for a lot of stress and sleep deprivation. I could handle it because I had a goal. But what I did start noticing was that I was getting sick very often. Sometimes just a cold, sometimes more like a flu with fevers that could rise up high.
But I had no time to take a rest. The education is very demanding. Now in the summer holiday I finally have the time to rest. But with silence came thought again. And I realised that I had been exposed to high levels of stress and I am not good at coping with it.
Also, in these past years (I’m 21 now), I have noticed a decrease in my energy level.
Every day I am extremely tired and can’t find the energy to do things. Now it’s really bothering me because I am so young and want to accomplish things, but my body won’t let me. I envy and I am jealous of all these other young people around me who accomplish their goals and actually do stuff. Are out there. With so much energy. This made room for other emotions. Agitation and anger. I am very agitated and triggered by the smallest things. Because I am angry that I can’t do those things. This is annoying to me, but also to my surroundings. Mostly the people closest to me, unfortunately.

Lastly, a few weeks ago someone very close to me passed away. This was the first time I lost someone that close. And it happened in a very painful way and way to soon. This has given me a very sad look on life and made no sense to me, because it wasn’t fair at all. I know it is a part of life and life isn’t fair. But when it happens, it changes you. Nothing is the same anymore.

To close this off. I wrote this because now I have come to a point where I really want to change things. I want to be a normal healthy young man again. I wouldn’t have written this if it wasn’t affecting my health. Because that’s what’s bothering me the most. I have no energy, I sleep badly, and I get sick often (about nine times in the past twelve months).
I have trouble concentrating on anything. I always had this because I have ADD. But now it is extremely affecting my daily life.

Does mental illness have an influence on your immune system?
Are the symptoms I am describing since of depression?
And what do I do? Do I go into therapy or is there a way to fix this myself?
I don’t have a lot of money and I don’t want to drag my parents into this.

Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to describe everything in depth. In case no one reads it at least I got it out of my system and “talked” about it. And last, sorry if my English isn’t that good. I am not a native speaker.

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Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am


Postby Spleefy » Sat Aug 24, 2019 11:27 pm

Hi elriced,

I like how you articulated your feelings and experiences. Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you are on quite a journey with a lot of bumpy roads along the way.

I think it’s remarkable, especially at twenty-one, that you are so aware and in-tune with what’s happening in your life. I also admire your strength, perseverance, and resiliency.

Depression and tough times in our lives can definitely make us do things out of character. So long as you believe in those principles you once lived by, you can do it again. We all get thrown off course from time to time. Even people completely devoted to God—loyal Christians—can lose their way momentarily… some even permanently.

Yes, gosh, OVERthinking should be avoided at all costs! I have a friend who OVERthinks everything. I brought this to his awareness and I’m trying to encourage him to slow down his thoughts. He said, “welcome to my world, buddy.” I just said, “well, buddy, you need to pull your head out and stop overthinking because it will send us both to the loony bin!” :lol: Then he laughed and said, “I’m trying!!!” :lol: It is hilarious, but the OVERthinking part will drive anyone bonkers!

I did it myself when I had depression and it was what perpetuated the depression. As you can see, I’m not a fan of overthinking! :lol: It really is a silent killer.

Congratulations on becoming one of the top students in your class! :D It is no doubt an outcome of your hard work, applying yourself, and perseverance. As they say, “you only get out what you put in.”

I found study helped me to overcome depression. I have tried study many times in the past. It helped a lot, but the pressures of deadlines, financial stress, and exam pressures was overwhelming, especially when one has depression.

I tried it again several years ago, and this time I was able to pull through and complete the course. It was very stressful, had several breakdowns along the way, and lived on a few hours sleep because of essays and deadlines, but I persevered and it payed off.

You might be just exhausted from all the stress. You will get your energy back. What about exercise? I find exercising, even if I am tired, actually gives me more energy and stamina, especially during times of stress. Exercise will boost mood and lower stress, stabilize biochemistry, strengthen you emotionally, enhance immunity, and give you motivation.

Some amount of stress is beneficial, but mental illness and chronic stress has a negative impact on our immune system. Mind and body are inextricably connected. There is also a link between chronic stress and depression.

You will need to get a diagnosis for depression. There may be some signs, but a diagnosis needs to come from a qualified person.

It is possible to overcome depression yourself, as I have had to do it myself. Now I have Jehovah God, which makes it all the more easier to deal with things, overcome challenges, and to live in this system of things. However, everyone is different, and we all just need to find what works for us. But first you want to make sure you do have depression.

However, there are things you can do, regardless, to help you to cope with the stress and elevate mood and outlook--which you already have! So hold onto that great outlook that you have. Whatever you do, don't let it go. Limit your emotions influence on dictating how you think. If you get any negative, unfounded thoughts, then shut it down fast. Reason it out logically and rationally. God gave us intelligence for a reason!

As I mentioned before, regular exercise is a must for health. We are designed to be active.

A nourishing diet is also essential for our health. Limit your intake of processed foods, sugars and junk food and eat more fresh, whole foods such as fruit, vegetables, salads, meat, fish, eggs, lentils, etc.

Therapy is an option and up to the individual. It wouldn’t hurt to try it out. The therapist can teach you effective coping methods, offer emotional support, and it is a good way for you to get stuff off your chest in a safe, nurturing environment.

The Bible is also full of wisdom that is superior to that of man's imperfect wisdom. If you so desire, I will provide you with a link that will give you access to tons of resources that can help you in any area of your life, purely using Bible principles. They are simple yet highly effective, provided one is humble, has the right heart condition, and the desire to make it work for them.

Death is a horrible experience. As I tell one of my friends who has trouble letting go over the death of his loved ones… “just keep a warm place in your heart for them, but don’t carry them on your shoulder.”

Speaking of which, I can even give you links that will help you to learn more about the condition of the dead. This personally brings me a lot of comfort. When my loved ones pass, I know I have hope of seeing them again. So for now, I get a chance to have respite from them :lol: Of course I miss them, but having that hope and knowing the truth about death keeps means I don't have to carry the sadness or grief with me.

Keep strong, friend. Don’t underestimate how well you are doing already. Just keep trying. Things will look up again—they always do! You will be back to your old self and the wonderful, young man that you are.

If you ever need to talk, suggestions or to get stuff off your chest, post any time and people here will listen to you :D
Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted; he saves those who are crushed in spirit.—Psalm 34:18

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