I don't like myself and it feels like I never will
Posted: Fri Jul 05, 2019 3:26 am
I can't bring myself to see the light of day, which is what every bit of advice I've gotten involves. Go out, go try to meet people with the same interests. Get out. Where? Where do I go to? What interests? I've never been the initiator, friends in the past have had to do the initiating to hang out. I'm what many people would see as the archetypal loser. Still living at home at 26, never even attempted to talk to a girl, I hate myself so much I can't even hold down my job at the family business.
For years I was content being alone with no tangible friends, no career with opportunity for advancement, no romantic relationship. Just myself, my online friends, my mom, and my two dogs. But I was drinking 2-4 40oz malt liquors every night, so was I really content? Probably not, but I didn't feel the very real pain of depression yet. My dogs died in 2017, and it certainly didn't help my drinking, and now, I had no form of companionship at all other than online gaming friends. This December I quit drinking after 4 years of frequent drinking and then 3 years of nightly 40s, and since then, whatever hole the alcohol was filling has been replaced with deep, burning loneliness and craving for female attention, and I never thought these feelings could affect me before they did. For years I was fat, all throughout high school and years after, and because of that I never attempted to connect with a girl because how could anybody possibly ever be romantically interested in me? I had no looks, and my conversations would fit on an index card. Now that I've lost a lot of weight and am still losing, down to 250 from 310, I can see in the mirror that I have become more handsome, but I still cannot let myself believe that anybody would ever be interested in me. I still see myself as ugly, even though objectively it's not like I'm hideous.
Stacked on top of the loneliness is a feeling that I don't deserve anything—I don't deserve to be with anyone, I don't deserve friends, I don't deserve the paycheck that I earned when I was working. Because it wasn't an especially difficult, grueling experience quitting my alcohol addiction like it is for some people, I don't deserve to take pride in that positive direction. My story is so similar to so many other posts on this forum, I feel like I don't even deserve to post my own story. I can't break this logical block that will not let me take pride in the good things about myself. I can't seem to force myself to move in a positive direction. Everyday I just sit in my house mad and disappointed at myself for being too afraid to go out and be a stranger to someone long enough to get to know them.
I am a quiet person who is most comfortable at home, so I have considered online dating, but I find myself not only wanting to not be rejected, but also not wanting to reject others. I feel like I deserve whoever is the first match and only whoever is the first match, how can I be so bold as to reject a match after a lifetime of aloneness? And then that match will find out I have no confidence or self esteem and I'm living at home with "mommy" still and that's not attractive to anybody. So that match scares me if it even exists, because nothing would come of it other than disappointment.
I've considered suicide as a solution. The phrase "easier to die than try" pops up in my mind. It's easier to die than to put myself outside my comfort zone. It's easier to die than work manual labor for the rest of my life. It's easier to die than be alone forever. The other week, I was thinking about suicide and for a moment I got a very real feeling of excitement, and it scared me. I'm too scared to live, but too afraid to die. I feel like I will never like myself and I will never find the confidence to change because it does not exist within me.
For years I was content being alone with no tangible friends, no career with opportunity for advancement, no romantic relationship. Just myself, my online friends, my mom, and my two dogs. But I was drinking 2-4 40oz malt liquors every night, so was I really content? Probably not, but I didn't feel the very real pain of depression yet. My dogs died in 2017, and it certainly didn't help my drinking, and now, I had no form of companionship at all other than online gaming friends. This December I quit drinking after 4 years of frequent drinking and then 3 years of nightly 40s, and since then, whatever hole the alcohol was filling has been replaced with deep, burning loneliness and craving for female attention, and I never thought these feelings could affect me before they did. For years I was fat, all throughout high school and years after, and because of that I never attempted to connect with a girl because how could anybody possibly ever be romantically interested in me? I had no looks, and my conversations would fit on an index card. Now that I've lost a lot of weight and am still losing, down to 250 from 310, I can see in the mirror that I have become more handsome, but I still cannot let myself believe that anybody would ever be interested in me. I still see myself as ugly, even though objectively it's not like I'm hideous.
Stacked on top of the loneliness is a feeling that I don't deserve anything—I don't deserve to be with anyone, I don't deserve friends, I don't deserve the paycheck that I earned when I was working. Because it wasn't an especially difficult, grueling experience quitting my alcohol addiction like it is for some people, I don't deserve to take pride in that positive direction. My story is so similar to so many other posts on this forum, I feel like I don't even deserve to post my own story. I can't break this logical block that will not let me take pride in the good things about myself. I can't seem to force myself to move in a positive direction. Everyday I just sit in my house mad and disappointed at myself for being too afraid to go out and be a stranger to someone long enough to get to know them.
I am a quiet person who is most comfortable at home, so I have considered online dating, but I find myself not only wanting to not be rejected, but also not wanting to reject others. I feel like I deserve whoever is the first match and only whoever is the first match, how can I be so bold as to reject a match after a lifetime of aloneness? And then that match will find out I have no confidence or self esteem and I'm living at home with "mommy" still and that's not attractive to anybody. So that match scares me if it even exists, because nothing would come of it other than disappointment.
I've considered suicide as a solution. The phrase "easier to die than try" pops up in my mind. It's easier to die than to put myself outside my comfort zone. It's easier to die than work manual labor for the rest of my life. It's easier to die than be alone forever. The other week, I was thinking about suicide and for a moment I got a very real feeling of excitement, and it scared me. I'm too scared to live, but too afraid to die. I feel like I will never like myself and I will never find the confidence to change because it does not exist within me.