Depression Understood Forums

Well, I don't really know where to start. Since i was little, i have always had a vision of how my life would be. And so far, its nothing how i wanted. I have an extremely low self esteem. Sometimes its so bad I don't even want to go out in public, i feel like everyones judging me. I hate myself. I hate my personality, my looks, my body, and how i never seem to be good at anything i do. I cry every night, but nobody knows. I feel like if i try to explain how im feeling people just won't understand. I have tried talking to my mom, but she just keeps telling me its a phase, and that im pretty and i have nothing to worry about, and things will start to change as i get older. Shes my mom, shes supposed to say things like that. She just doesn't understand. I keep telling myself this is the year things will turn around for me, and i am always so wrong. It scares me. So not only do i have no one to talk to, my friends aren't even real friends. They lie, they are fake, and they ditch me all the time. They only come to when they need someone to talk to. I dont understand it. Im so kind to them, im always there for them, but they can't even include me when they all hang out. I know i don't annoy them, i do nothing to annoy them, im never around to annoy them because they never include me. Its almost just like a competition with them, and i always seem to lose. I feel so lonely, and i feel like no one cares. They don't even know how depressed i am, HAVE been for three years now, and its only getting worse. I know you may be saying get new friends, easier said then done. These girls have been my friends since elementary school, and when they do include me, its fun. Plus its hard to just get new friends in high school, everyone has their own groups, and its hard to just get into one. I'm also pretty shy, not to the point where i don't talk to anyone, but just when it comes to boys. I have never had a boyfriend, and im sixteen, almost seventeen. I know you may be thinking i am young and i have nothing to worry about, but everyone has had a boyfriend, besides me. This has caused me to be really vulnerable. Im no slut, i promise you that. But theres this ONE boy i met, and i like him a lot. We have fooled around, but i know its not going to turn into a relationship. Its more friends with benefits type thing, and the sad thing is it makes me feel better. I actually feel like someone cares enough to give me the slightest bit of attention, and i don't want it to end, which i know is wrong. He just makes me feel happy, and i need that. We have never gone all the way, but he wants to and im scared. I know its wrong, its really wrong, but im so vulnerable and i hate saying no, and im scared i might do it though i dont really want to. I just don't want to disappoint him, i hate disappointing people. I just keep thinking what do i have to lose? Nothing. I have nothing to lose, and thats what makes me think of it as nothing too serious, and maybe its stupid of me NOT to do it. Pretty lame right? I just feel so messed up. I feel like i don't deserve to be happy, and when a boy does like me, i have to wonder why. I feel that if they really look at me they will lose interest, because i just cant see what they see in me. Its like that with everything, i feel that if i am happy for too long, it will all just slip away, and i will be back to bad luck again. It always happens, i always mess things up, or jinx things. I dont know what to do anymore. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, but with my looks and my personality im scared thats how it will be. Im so confused and just lost. I hate crying but i do it every night, and all day i have to hold it back. No one even knows, all they see is a happy girl on the outside, but they are so mislead. School is a nightmare for me. I cant even do good because all i worry about is how i look. I feel like everyones staring at me and judging me. They probably aren't, but its just how i feel. Its the worst feeling in the world. Some days i think im pretty, then i see other girls, and realize how hard i had to try to look like this, and how easy it must have been for them, and it just makes me real upset. Nothing just seems to ever go right for me. I have really bad mood swings also. One minute, im happy, next thing you know im furious, then i just want to break down and cry. I start picking myself apart. Nobody gets it, i myself dont fully understand it. I know my life isn't bad, it could be a lot worse. Its not my life that i hate necessarily, its more me. I hate me. If i was prettier, and wasn't so shy, i would have such a better self esteem, and i just wouldn't have to worry so much. My self esteem is so so low, and i really think its what brings me down the most. I don't know for sure if i am depressed, but it really feels like it. I can still put a smile on my face, and act like im okay, but inside its not like that. Theres so much more to me that people don't know. It may be a phase, but its been three years now. And i can't see it getting any better. Sometimes i just feel like i wasn't cut out for life. Sometimes i wonder why God even bothered with me, what good am i? what is my purpose?

Sorry this is so long, once i get started its hard to stop. I just have so many things running through my mind, and i never really get to say them.

((((((((((((((((((((((( Amber )))))))))))))))))

Thank you for taking the time to type all you did and share as you have.

The chat room that is connected with this forum is such a good and caring support room for those with depression.

No one judges, everyone understands the ins and outs of dealing with depression and anxiety. People from all over the world, just giving and getting support for our daily lives and the feelings we deal with.

Hope you consider visiting, perhaps joining and finding the support you are seeking.

Warmie

Hi Amber ... I'm new to this forum. I'm trying to find a way to relieve the pressure and thought that maybe I could just write everything out on a post and it would help. That's when I ran across your post.

How are you? Is anything changing for you? Good or Bad? Big or Little?

Hi Amber and Maggie - welcome!

Amber... I'm not going to tell you that you're young so you're feelings don't matter. Because they DO. Everything you're feeling is real, and I'm sorry that it's happening to you.

Your "friends," sound like they are taking advantage of a very sweet girl who does nothing but give to them. I know how hard it is to make new friends, even as an adult! But please do try not to be so there for them all the time. Maybe then they will realize that they have taken advantage of you and things will change.

Please also think very clearly about sex before you do it. Losing your virginity is a BIG deal, as I've written here before, and you have to make sure you're ready, or you will only feel worse. I was a virgin until I was in my 20's, and it was still hard. I would advise you to wait until you find a guy who cares for you, Amber. I know that being with a man physically oftentimes can fill that emptiness inside... just being held by someone can help put a band-aid on that. But when he's gone there is only emptiness left - I just don't want you to feel worse, Amber.

Please do keep posting, ok? There are so many kind people on here to help, advise and support you. And if you ever want to send me a private message, please, feel free.

Body image is not something that most people are comfortable with. Secret? Even the girls at your school who look the most beautiful, the most put-together, and the most popular? One of them doesn't like their butt. Another one can't stand their thighs. And that other one thinks her nose is too big. See what I mean?

Your mother sounds like she loves you very much, Amber. Maybe try talking to her again? I can tell you that I used to feel like my mother understood nothing and I could not talk to her. Now? She's my friend... and I know that she gets it. She always did.

I haven't been coming to this site for very long. If I had read your initial post earlier I would have posted right away because I certainly can relate to anyone who suffers from poor self-esteem. It ends up that you don't get treated the respectful way that you deserve.

What depression can do to a person, doesn't have any age parameters. It doesn't hurt any less at 16, than it does at 51. Not sure of a lot of things in life, that one I am positive of.

I have had trouble making friends all my life, probably partly due to my low self-esteem. I have been fortunate that lately, I have managed to let some people into my world, that treat me well. I also know what it is like to be treated like crap by people who say that they are your "friends". It is difficult to think that people are nice to your face but not behind your back.

From you email you sound like a nice person who needs a few people in her corner to prop her up a bit, for a while, until some of the wounds heal.

Encourage you to keep coming here.

Monty... you're a great gal. And Amber... please do listen to Monty - she give some stellar advice.

It's alright, man. As far as the post being long and all that.

After all, we all need to rant every now and then. Including those of us struggling with this problem called depression that has become like a weed in our lives.

I can certainly sympathize and empathize with the statements that you made becuase I too have the same hates towards myself as well as the same daunting questions.

Your statement about going out in public and being judged certainly hit home with me because I feel like that myself and social situations are no better - the kind that family drags you to as if they're "helping" by pulling you out and trying to meet people - not realizing that people like us (I'm speaking for myself and others like this, I'm not sure if you feel this way) - don't like being around that many people.

For me, one or two people is alright but anything more than that it feels overwhelming. Though it's not as bad as it was when I was younger but the sensation is still there where I feel more comfortable being in a place where there's hardly anyone around (or no one at all).