Depression Understood Forums

Hi everyone. I'm new to this site and new to the whole forum thing. I am 20 and I feel like I am invisible. Seen but not heard, I confess that I am an introvert and I do prefer to spend most of my time alone. But for the past year and a half I think I've slipped into depression and I find that I'm overly anxious. When my phone rings I don't answer it, when my friends come over I tell my sister to lie and say I'm asleep or out. I don't go anywhere anymore because I always feel afraid and I cook up these senarios in my head that are crazy. I realised that I may enjoy alone time but now, I'm lonely. I'm lonely because my phone has stopped ringing, my friends have given up on trying to be friends with someone who can't even answer their phone. They don't come over anymore and I don't blame them.

I just hate everything about myself and my life, lately I've been thinking alot about death. My death to be specific. I wonder whether my family and friends would miss me if I died. I honestly doubt they would and I know that's a bad thing to think but its my truth. I just wish I could get rid of this heaviness in my heart. And get rid of the dark thoughts that cloud my judgement. I just want to breath again.
Sorry for rambling.

Welcome to this forum, friend. I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles. You don’t need to be hard on yourself. Your life is precious and no situation is hopeless. Putting an end to your life will never solve your problems. Such a decision would be tragic beyond words. In situation like yours, I believe there is no substitute for one-on-one interaction with a caring professional counselor. Have you tried contacting the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline? They operate toll-free, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Just call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It might be worth giving them a call. Remember that you deserve to feel better and you don’t need to carry your burdens alone. Sending prayers & wishing well!

Thanks for the advice. I'm going to give them a call.