College grad, high-functioning PTSD/Major Depressive, Still feel out of control
Posted: Sat Jun 24, 2017 12:41 pm
Hi this is my first post here. I've recently been trying to reach out and get help. Part of that includes me sharing my story with other humans.
I turned 27 three days ago. I got my first degree a month ago, and moved to a new city to start my next degree. I graduated with honors and a 3.97 gpa. I plan to be a lawyer by 2022/2023. I'm financially secure and independent, and I may have secured a sales job at a very large musical equipment retail store in America.
Before going to college I played in bands at the semi-professional level. I've done a couple west coast tours and one South-West tour. I've played guitar and bass for over a decade and I've composed 5 studio records and a bunch of solo stuff. That's where my true passion lies, but I was never able to support myself to the point that I could really pursue music as a career and take it to the next level. For me, college was settling for something lesser than my true passion, but it was a very positive experience nonetheless. College taught me how to change my life and develop and internal locus of control (meaning I believe that I am the master of my life and destiny). I believe developing this inner locus of control is one of the first steps for people who have made the decision to do something about their depression. It's so easy for depressed individuals to fall into that trap of feeling helpless to the will of powerful others. That being said, I still struggle intensely. Maybe more than I ever have before.
I feel like a bad person. Logically, I know that I'm not a terrible person. I literally go out of my way to make sure I never hurt anyone. I don't want to have any adverse affect on anybody. I still feel awful. When I meet people I feel like I need to work to convince them that I'm a worthwhile human. I'm paranoid that everyone hates me, and it doesn't make sense to me. This is undoubtedly due to a neurotransmitter imbalance in my brain. I feel these things intensely, and I'm perfectly aware of how irrational it is, but I still can't make myself feel alright.
I should be having the time of my life right now. I'm independent, successful, and my life is on track for all intents and purposes, but I'm hindered by this illness. I avoid leaving my house because everyone pisses me off. Driving my car is the worst. People drive like flipping maniacs. It's gotten to the point that I'm afraid to go job hunting. I mean I manage to do it, but it is an extremely stressful experience on my psyche. I'm afraid of people. I'm so afraid of what they are capable of. I've seen a lot of terrible things done by terrible humans, and although I know logically that they don't hold power over my life, it makes no difference. I'm still scared. Like I don't have faith that random people around me are thinking logically and coherently. They are capable of anything at anytime. A million loose cannons roaming the streets.
Anyone have any advice?
I turned 27 three days ago. I got my first degree a month ago, and moved to a new city to start my next degree. I graduated with honors and a 3.97 gpa. I plan to be a lawyer by 2022/2023. I'm financially secure and independent, and I may have secured a sales job at a very large musical equipment retail store in America.
Before going to college I played in bands at the semi-professional level. I've done a couple west coast tours and one South-West tour. I've played guitar and bass for over a decade and I've composed 5 studio records and a bunch of solo stuff. That's where my true passion lies, but I was never able to support myself to the point that I could really pursue music as a career and take it to the next level. For me, college was settling for something lesser than my true passion, but it was a very positive experience nonetheless. College taught me how to change my life and develop and internal locus of control (meaning I believe that I am the master of my life and destiny). I believe developing this inner locus of control is one of the first steps for people who have made the decision to do something about their depression. It's so easy for depressed individuals to fall into that trap of feeling helpless to the will of powerful others. That being said, I still struggle intensely. Maybe more than I ever have before.
I feel like a bad person. Logically, I know that I'm not a terrible person. I literally go out of my way to make sure I never hurt anyone. I don't want to have any adverse affect on anybody. I still feel awful. When I meet people I feel like I need to work to convince them that I'm a worthwhile human. I'm paranoid that everyone hates me, and it doesn't make sense to me. This is undoubtedly due to a neurotransmitter imbalance in my brain. I feel these things intensely, and I'm perfectly aware of how irrational it is, but I still can't make myself feel alright.
I should be having the time of my life right now. I'm independent, successful, and my life is on track for all intents and purposes, but I'm hindered by this illness. I avoid leaving my house because everyone pisses me off. Driving my car is the worst. People drive like flipping maniacs. It's gotten to the point that I'm afraid to go job hunting. I mean I manage to do it, but it is an extremely stressful experience on my psyche. I'm afraid of people. I'm so afraid of what they are capable of. I've seen a lot of terrible things done by terrible humans, and although I know logically that they don't hold power over my life, it makes no difference. I'm still scared. Like I don't have faith that random people around me are thinking logically and coherently. They are capable of anything at anytime. A million loose cannons roaming the streets.
Anyone have any advice?