Depression Understood Forums

I'll try to write a pretty brief synopsis of my life and then I'll talk about the problems more in depth

In elementary school I was well liked and popular. Don't particularly know why but I screwed around a lot and everyone enjoyed talking to me(had lots of friends). I got into a couple card games(pokemon and yugioh) and started getting into video games as well(call of duty and halo). I was VERY good at both

In middle school I started to lose popularity relative to social super stars. I still had lots of friends, but it wasn't like I was a main attraction anymore. I started to lose interest in card games, not because they weren't enjoyable anymore, but in one class sitting I was made fun of for playing card games. After that I realized others thought it wasn't cool and I tried to hide it from others by lying about not playing it anymore, and also by hiding when they would come around locations where I played(my dad owned a gameshop so they would pick up videogames). I still played videogames heavily. Early high school I didn't care about school at all, so after freshman year I had to put in more effort. This is where I should have noticed something was wrong. In late highschool I started getting into league of legends and became near professional level in that as well(was in card games and FPS shooters), but when I talked to girls I realized that I had nothing really to talk about. They couldn't relate to video games, and you don't really talk about those type of video games that much anyway because they are self explanatory, so I started to get social anxiety a little bit. I would avoid questions about my own life and I would ask about theirs a bunch instead so I could avoid admitting that my life would be super boring in their opinion. I played league of legends so much per day because I wanted to get pro level that I got carpal tunnel and cubital tunnel syndrome problems right as I got into the highest rungs of the game, so I had to stop playing after that and still can't really play for long periods of time.

Enter college and everything went through the drain. When I was forced to decide on a life route I realized that I had never really put any time into thinking about what I wanted to do with my life before. I think it showed in my poor work ethic in school and my lack of any care in early highschool. I realized I didn't actually care about anything and I would look through career lists and nothing would seem interesting to me at all. Moreso than that....I didn't care about anything at all beyond a career really. I had no values other than values that would help humanity as a whole...but I arrived at those more logically(based on a equality value) than emotionally. I have so little of an emotional investment in my values. Beyond that...nothing was even fun other than video games. Anyway, I dated a girl from my highschool that went to the same college as me and it was absolutely amazing, but my poor self confidence that stemmed from my lack of my doing anything interesting with my life made me doubt her feelings about me constantly and ultimately destroyed the relationship. I also wasn't upfront about my needs because I was worried that if I had any problems that she would leave because I wasn't work her time.

After that was over and the distraction from my root problems that she gave me away was gone, I was forced to face them. I fell into some pretty severe depression and lost 18 pounds in 2 months (was like 120 pounds then). Went to see a therapist and got on prozac. On with problems...I felt bad that I wasn't doing anything with my life...so I introspected and looked at it philosophically. The world has no meaning...so no one action is any better than another objectively...so there is no reason I should feel bad about doing nothing with my life. So that is solved..fantastic. I am boring though which results from my doing nothing with my life, but there is nothing I should be doing. At least if I don't try to make up random stuff just to fill the silence and am true to my boring self I will know that they like me for who I am rather than the things I come up with or the accomplishments I have made. This helped solve some of the intense anxiety I was feeling by being around others and having nothing to say. I still am anxious but not as much. Beyond that without anything having a meaning it means I live in a sandbox and can do whatever the hell I want. Unfortunately, and this is my biggest problem, I don't want to do anything. There is nothing I desire to do(except be married some day lol). My mind is blank constantly except for thoughts about how I wish I desired to do something or how blank my mind it. Nothing I do is ever any fun either except fast paced analytical games like the games I used to play...but I want a future wife some day and sitting around playing games isn't gonna get me there. They also lead me back to having nothing to say which isn't going to help me get a future wife. Also I have no career/life direction because I don't care about anything at all and can't find any career that I would be motivated to do. I just want to have a drive to do something in a career...or be interested in something that will make me an interesting person. I was so social when I was young and everyone liked me, and now everyone still has nothing against me except that I don't really have anything to offer. I'm tired of being bored and having no desire to do anything. I'm tired of just sitting around yet getting up and doing anything is never any better. I got into personality stuff for a bit to try to figure some stuff out about myself and I realized that I need other people to share my hobbies with otherwise I get bored really quick. I also liked video games but only really when my friends were playing too or were at least on skype with me. Without them (and they don't really play anymore) it's just extremely boring. I'm getting further into college and I need to pick a career path yet Im still no closer to having any desire to do anything. I'm home for the summer right now and my parents want me to do stuff around the house and help out, but I just don't care enough and this leads me to slack on doing what they ask...which leads to them criticizing me or scolding me. It feels like I'm an exhausted horse that is just being whipped all day every day to go forward more. Only things that are enjoyable for me are weed and being drunk. Sorry this was all so scattered it's just idk how to best organize all of this.

TLDR; I have no desires or interests anymore. This caused depression. Depression + no interests + no desires + blank mind led to social anxiety from being a boring person and having nothing to say. I'm exhausted from the worlds demands on me while I just try to sort out my problems and the worlds needs just make me have less time to sort out this enormous problem in myself. I can't play video games anymore and so little else is both fast paced and analytical. I need to choose a career path yet can't. I'm gonna have debt from college so I have to finish college to pay off the debt, and it makes me dependent on my parents which makes me feel guilty about not helping them...which I don't do because I care so little and I'm just trying to sort out my problem and be able to be happy but I feel like a defeated horse being beaten more and more for not doing what the world is asking of me. The only enjoyment I get is when I'm drunk or when I smoke weed, everything else is so incredibly boring. I want to have a wife which won't happen when I'm boring as f***. I need other people to either appreciate or at least share the work that I do because otherwise I lose motivation...I believe this is because I have a lack of values except in other peoples' values, i.e. if they think the work is beneficial or it brings them happiness then I feel good about the work because I was helpful, but unless it's analytical and interesting to me it doesn't hold my interest.

Hi dear

I read your post and it's sad to hear that you have been through such phases of life . But the truth is that these ups and downs are part of life . Being a human we do remember the bad experiences but quickly forget the good experiences . I am not criticizing you dear but actually I want to help you by letting you think in a way that there must be Good experiences in your life or good happenings in your life. When we start cherishing the good times it gives us a strength and hope that good things are yet to come . Why I am focusing on good thinking or positive thinking because it's the only way we can change our thoughts and try to come out of this depression
One another way to come out of this depression is start evaluating the life we are living comparing it with what the majority of people are living in .. You know more than 75% people of the world have different issues than us . Their Requirements are Food , Shelter , clean water , cloths to cover body and medicine in case if sick -their life revolves around struggling for these things . So when we compare our lives it gives us a sense of Feel that we are so blessed and for time being we come out of our depression, loneliness , feeling of being rejected and other negative thoughts. My teacher told me a golden formula to come out of depression or negative feelings. Start thinking to do good for others - it will immediately pull out you of All those negative feelings
So to summarize there are many positive ways by which you can combat against your negative thoughts and at the end can remain champion ☺

sultan wrote:Hi dear

I read your post and it's sad to hear that you have been through such phases of life . But the truth is that these ups and downs are part of life . Being a human we do remember the bad experiences but quickly forget the good experiences . I am not criticizing you dear but actually I want to help you by letting you think in a way that there must be Good experiences in your life or good happenings in your life. When we start cherishing the good times it gives us a strength and hope that good things are yet to come . Why I am focusing on good thinking or positive thinking because it's the only way we can change our thoughts and try to come out of this depression
One another way to come out of this depression is start evaluating the life we are living comparing it with what the majority of people are living in .. You know more than 75% people of the world have different issues than us . Their Requirements are Food , Shelter , clean water , cloths to cover body and medicine in case if sick -their life revolves around struggling for these things . So when we compare our lives it gives us a sense of Feel that we are so blessed and for time being we come out of our depression, loneliness , feeling of being rejected and other negative thoughts. My teacher told me a golden formula to come out of depression or negative feelings. Start thinking to do good for others - it will immediately pull out you of All those negative feelings
So to summarize there are many positive ways by which you can combat against your negative thoughts and at the end can remain champion ☺

I actually thought about the fact that values and motivation have to come from other people from me. I compartmentalized it as "you can't logic your way into feeling for other people in general so you have to go experience other people in pain to start to care", but this doesn't really solve the problem of not enjoying anything. It feels like I don't enjoy doing anything anymore, and the games that used to be fun don't give me enjoyment anymore since I know they just take away time from me finding a long term fulfilling hobby/career/activity. Idk how to find something that is both fast paced, and analytical, and helps others. Drive can partially come from helping others, but like I said, if it isn't something that can intellectually stimulate me I just lose steam so fast(example is that I'm helping my dad build a trench right now and it just bores me to all hell). I don't need everything to be like that, I just wish there was one.

I agree with you totally . You are right that games are source of Entertainment but equally time killing if you have this thinking that You want to have a career or goal in life .
What I told you are the multiple ways by which you can counter the ill feelings the comes in mind ..
Keeping aside all thoughts that come in mind . Close your eyes and try to think that what is that you want to do ? Or what is that you are good at? It's not that easy that once you will do and you will get answer.. You need to keep trying asking your self with focus .. I did this with myself and I found answer from inside . Every thing is inside us .. we just need to figure it out that what ar best at ? Once it is figured out you can start doing that Activity / task or work that will ultimately give you feeling of relaxation and contentment