Really struggling, ground down.
Posted: Thu May 04, 2017 7:52 am
Hi all, hope I've found the right place. Please bear with me, I've got it all this in my mind but it may jump backwards and forwards in time.
My life is a mess and has been for about 15 years. I made some terrible decisions back then which ended up with a year in prison. Whilst inside my wife struggled and began neglecting our 2 little boys and eventually had a mental breakdown, our boys went into foster care and my wife went voluntarily to hospital for a month. Social services assured everyone that they would be working to get everyone back together.
However whilst she was in hospital, SS applied for a care order with a view to permanantly removing the boys. They wanted to have them adopted! Eventually care proceedings took place the outcome being that the judge felt my wife and I didn't have a solid relationship and there was a risk that my wife wouldn't cope on her own and the cycle would start again.
The care order was granted but with the boys going to live with their Grandparents, my parents. It took a few years of struggle and hoop jumping but eventually we got the care order removed and the boys returned home. However, part of the agreement was that we move to where my parents live so they can offer support. This meant renting a property we couldn't really afford but we struggled on.
My wife was able to work, but with my conviction I couldn't get anything. It's a very rural area with few jobs available and limited public transport. I'm disbaled so cannot do any land work.
Moving on - since the boys returned money has always, always been an issue. Bills were juggled, robbing Peter to pay Paul, all that sort of stuff, so debts built up. The biggest killer was that in October 2015, the council decided we'd been overpaid council tax benefit by about £10 a week for the previous 4 years, so gave us a bill of about £2000 plus a month's sanction.
My mum died 4 years ago after collapsing with a brain tumour leaving my Dad on his own. In my mind, I killed her with all the stress I'd caused in the years previously. Shortly before, they'd sold their house and downsized, coming away with a nice sum. They 'gifted' £20k to my brother for a deposit on a house and adjusted their will accordingly. I had no problems with that.
Just after I received the bill from the council, the tax credits office 1 week before Xmas stopped all of our tax credits as they suddenly announced they had no record of my wife's employment for the last 10 years. Long story short, they eventually acknowledged their mistake and reinstated them, but it took 4 months. During this time, we were down £180 per week, so once again bills were unpaid. I asked my Dad if he could lend me money during this time, never knowing how long the TC office was going to take. He gave me £300, so we managed to stretch that out for 2-3 of weeks. I had to go back to him a couple more times getting a further £300 in total. He eventually transferred over £1000 to my account hoping that would cover me until the TC was sorted. Obviously I'm grateful for this but it was never going to be enough.
I made a suggestion to him - would he do for me what he did for my brother and 'gift' me some money and adjust the will? I was fed up with being bailed out and thought this would be the easiest solution. His response was not good, saying that I was 'killing him', that he doesn't have sort of money lying around and so on. Anyway, in April the TC office acknowledged their error and said to expect what we were due within the next couple of weeks. Problem was that we were again without money for anything and my wife didn't get paid for another 12 days. So I reluctantly went back to Dad.
I told him what the TC office said, and asked him for £150 to see us through until my wife was paid or the TC paid, whichever was sooner. His reaction was as if I'd just shot him. He really let me know how distraught he was, saying he had no money and so on, repeating "oh no", "oh God" etc. He eventually let me have £100. I had to get a pay-day loan as I knew this wasn't going to cover what we needed. The TC were evetually paid, not as much as I thought, but I repaid Dad what he lent me.
What Dad didn't know is that during the weeks that Mum was dying she confided in me that they had a tin of hidden cash (she showed it to me and there was at least £20k), plus the profit from the house, plus an ISA and premium bonds, plus she had an insurance policy that will pay out when she dies, but she didn't say how much. So I knew that Dad had a lot of cash hidden away. Mum even said to him before she died that Dad would be happy now as he has all her money, so he can sit and cuddle it at night; she had often said that he was obsessed with money. I defended him at the time. She told me that she was going to make him promise not to think more of money than anything else and that if me or my brothers or the grandkids were ever desperate he should help.
Anyway, this really started to eat me up - not so much the refusal of the will adjustment, but the refusal to lend the extra £50. It really, really got to me and I strated to feel that Mum was right. I really needed to know if she was right. So when he was away, I let myself into his house (I have a key) and went though his financial records. It's not the right thing to do, I know, and I'm not proud. But what I saw upset me - he had at least £45,000 in various accounts and savings. I saw that his income was higher than his outgoings so the balance of his main account rose every month - in fact it had risen by nearly £2000 in a year. His income is purely from pension credits, DLA and some other benefit. I then looked for the cash - I knew roughly where it was hidden from what Mum said - there was a further £25,000 in loose £20 notes.
So I sat and thought. I thought long and hard for hours then put it back. I went home, but continued to think. And think, and think and think. I ended up winding myself up, getting angry and upset. I kept thinking about what Mum said and about how Dad reacted when I asked for £150. I kept thinking about how he was prepared to see me on my knees begging to him. So I went back the next day and I took £10000. I paid off the debts, bought a few household items that were desperately needed, and seeing as I had only one pair of jeans, I bought 2 more pairs. I invested some into an online business I was trying to get going. And it ate into my conscience every single day.
It doesn't end there. My wife started a new much better paid job and I thought things were finally becoming settled. Unfortunately about a month in she suffered a nervous breakdown and was off for 6 weeks and was paid sick pay of about £55 per week. I didn't tell Dad as I knew he'd question me about how were paying for things. When my wife returned to work it became clear that they wanted her out, putting her under unbelievable stress until she eventually made a massive error. We knew this would lead to her being dismissed, so she resigned for the sake of her CV. What we didn't realise is that meant she was liable to repay all of her training costs, so that more or less wiped out her final pay packet.
She found a new job, but she was now paranoid about 'getting things right', wasn't sleeping well and eventually had a car crash - she was ok but the car was wrecked. She also spent a week in hospital as they felt there were other underlying issues. On discharge her employer made her wait another 10 days before being allowed to restart, so more periods with no income. We used some of Dad's money to buy a cheap car until the insurance paid out (which thankfully it did), and then bought a proper replacement and sell the other one.
When she returned to work, things just didn't work out and she was given notice under her probation period. However, this seemed to embolden her and she found new employment very quickly as part of a team caring for a disabled person coming out of hospital. It was due to start in November, but problems with the care package delayed this until Feb. However, all is now settled on that front, the pay is excellent and all seemed ok.
Yesterday Dad phoned me saying money was missing and I was the only person who had access. I went into total denial at first, but eventually phoned him back and told him everything. Obviously the reaction was not good. So again I've created a mess and put myself in a bad place. I keep thinking about walking away, in whatever way that means. That's where I am.
My life is a mess and has been for about 15 years. I made some terrible decisions back then which ended up with a year in prison. Whilst inside my wife struggled and began neglecting our 2 little boys and eventually had a mental breakdown, our boys went into foster care and my wife went voluntarily to hospital for a month. Social services assured everyone that they would be working to get everyone back together.
However whilst she was in hospital, SS applied for a care order with a view to permanantly removing the boys. They wanted to have them adopted! Eventually care proceedings took place the outcome being that the judge felt my wife and I didn't have a solid relationship and there was a risk that my wife wouldn't cope on her own and the cycle would start again.
The care order was granted but with the boys going to live with their Grandparents, my parents. It took a few years of struggle and hoop jumping but eventually we got the care order removed and the boys returned home. However, part of the agreement was that we move to where my parents live so they can offer support. This meant renting a property we couldn't really afford but we struggled on.
My wife was able to work, but with my conviction I couldn't get anything. It's a very rural area with few jobs available and limited public transport. I'm disbaled so cannot do any land work.
Moving on - since the boys returned money has always, always been an issue. Bills were juggled, robbing Peter to pay Paul, all that sort of stuff, so debts built up. The biggest killer was that in October 2015, the council decided we'd been overpaid council tax benefit by about £10 a week for the previous 4 years, so gave us a bill of about £2000 plus a month's sanction.
My mum died 4 years ago after collapsing with a brain tumour leaving my Dad on his own. In my mind, I killed her with all the stress I'd caused in the years previously. Shortly before, they'd sold their house and downsized, coming away with a nice sum. They 'gifted' £20k to my brother for a deposit on a house and adjusted their will accordingly. I had no problems with that.
Just after I received the bill from the council, the tax credits office 1 week before Xmas stopped all of our tax credits as they suddenly announced they had no record of my wife's employment for the last 10 years. Long story short, they eventually acknowledged their mistake and reinstated them, but it took 4 months. During this time, we were down £180 per week, so once again bills were unpaid. I asked my Dad if he could lend me money during this time, never knowing how long the TC office was going to take. He gave me £300, so we managed to stretch that out for 2-3 of weeks. I had to go back to him a couple more times getting a further £300 in total. He eventually transferred over £1000 to my account hoping that would cover me until the TC was sorted. Obviously I'm grateful for this but it was never going to be enough.
I made a suggestion to him - would he do for me what he did for my brother and 'gift' me some money and adjust the will? I was fed up with being bailed out and thought this would be the easiest solution. His response was not good, saying that I was 'killing him', that he doesn't have sort of money lying around and so on. Anyway, in April the TC office acknowledged their error and said to expect what we were due within the next couple of weeks. Problem was that we were again without money for anything and my wife didn't get paid for another 12 days. So I reluctantly went back to Dad.
I told him what the TC office said, and asked him for £150 to see us through until my wife was paid or the TC paid, whichever was sooner. His reaction was as if I'd just shot him. He really let me know how distraught he was, saying he had no money and so on, repeating "oh no", "oh God" etc. He eventually let me have £100. I had to get a pay-day loan as I knew this wasn't going to cover what we needed. The TC were evetually paid, not as much as I thought, but I repaid Dad what he lent me.
What Dad didn't know is that during the weeks that Mum was dying she confided in me that they had a tin of hidden cash (she showed it to me and there was at least £20k), plus the profit from the house, plus an ISA and premium bonds, plus she had an insurance policy that will pay out when she dies, but she didn't say how much. So I knew that Dad had a lot of cash hidden away. Mum even said to him before she died that Dad would be happy now as he has all her money, so he can sit and cuddle it at night; she had often said that he was obsessed with money. I defended him at the time. She told me that she was going to make him promise not to think more of money than anything else and that if me or my brothers or the grandkids were ever desperate he should help.
Anyway, this really started to eat me up - not so much the refusal of the will adjustment, but the refusal to lend the extra £50. It really, really got to me and I strated to feel that Mum was right. I really needed to know if she was right. So when he was away, I let myself into his house (I have a key) and went though his financial records. It's not the right thing to do, I know, and I'm not proud. But what I saw upset me - he had at least £45,000 in various accounts and savings. I saw that his income was higher than his outgoings so the balance of his main account rose every month - in fact it had risen by nearly £2000 in a year. His income is purely from pension credits, DLA and some other benefit. I then looked for the cash - I knew roughly where it was hidden from what Mum said - there was a further £25,000 in loose £20 notes.
So I sat and thought. I thought long and hard for hours then put it back. I went home, but continued to think. And think, and think and think. I ended up winding myself up, getting angry and upset. I kept thinking about what Mum said and about how Dad reacted when I asked for £150. I kept thinking about how he was prepared to see me on my knees begging to him. So I went back the next day and I took £10000. I paid off the debts, bought a few household items that were desperately needed, and seeing as I had only one pair of jeans, I bought 2 more pairs. I invested some into an online business I was trying to get going. And it ate into my conscience every single day.
It doesn't end there. My wife started a new much better paid job and I thought things were finally becoming settled. Unfortunately about a month in she suffered a nervous breakdown and was off for 6 weeks and was paid sick pay of about £55 per week. I didn't tell Dad as I knew he'd question me about how were paying for things. When my wife returned to work it became clear that they wanted her out, putting her under unbelievable stress until she eventually made a massive error. We knew this would lead to her being dismissed, so she resigned for the sake of her CV. What we didn't realise is that meant she was liable to repay all of her training costs, so that more or less wiped out her final pay packet.
She found a new job, but she was now paranoid about 'getting things right', wasn't sleeping well and eventually had a car crash - she was ok but the car was wrecked. She also spent a week in hospital as they felt there were other underlying issues. On discharge her employer made her wait another 10 days before being allowed to restart, so more periods with no income. We used some of Dad's money to buy a cheap car until the insurance paid out (which thankfully it did), and then bought a proper replacement and sell the other one.
When she returned to work, things just didn't work out and she was given notice under her probation period. However, this seemed to embolden her and she found new employment very quickly as part of a team caring for a disabled person coming out of hospital. It was due to start in November, but problems with the care package delayed this until Feb. However, all is now settled on that front, the pay is excellent and all seemed ok.
Yesterday Dad phoned me saying money was missing and I was the only person who had access. I went into total denial at first, but eventually phoned him back and told him everything. Obviously the reaction was not good. So again I've created a mess and put myself in a bad place. I keep thinking about walking away, in whatever way that means. That's where I am.