Afraid

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2017 9:45 pm

Afraid

Postby ... » Sat Apr 29, 2017 10:21 pm

Hi, I'm new on this and I just... don't know what to do. I think I'm going through depression and don't really know what to do with myself. My mom passed away about four years ago and I'm still not over it and my dad and I don't really get along all the time. I know he cares about me but he never really understands how I feel and so the grief is just stuck in me and I can't express it no matter how much I try. Every time I try to reach out it's like I forgot how to speak and I just end up never bringing it up. My mom was the only person that I could really talk to and made me feel loved and I can't stand not having her here. I think about her everyday and I feel like each day gets harder and harder to handle.

School is no help either. I'm kind of just someone that nobody truly acknowledges. They know I'm there and I know that they all see me but it also just feels like they don't. I'm just drifting through a sea of people that don't really see me. I have friends and people talk to me in class but it's always like it's out of sympathy. Like they're nice to me because they know that when they go about their own life with their own groups that I'll just be there, sitting at my desk staring down at a blank sheet, concentrating hard on what to write to make myself look busy and not lonely.

I tried cutting a long time ago. Was so pathetic that I couldn't even make myself bleed because I was so scared. I couldn't do anything to release me from this horrid pain that itches to come out of me. Couldn't tell someone or even make myself bleed for goodness sake.

Last night was really hard. It just all came down on me. All the loneliness I feel, the grief, the frustration, the lost feeling. I just cried and cried and cried. My dad didn't have the slightest clue of what was wrong. But he didn't push me to tell him. I was thankful he didn't but at the moment when I was crying so hard my whole face had already swollen up, I wish he had. I wish he had asked me one more time to tell him what was wrong because I wanted him to know at that moment. I was ready to tell him what was wrong at that point. But now, I lost my words again. Today, in the Bathroom while my dad was right outside the door doing his work on his desk, I tried cutting again. Still can't make myself bleed because I'm too afraid but this time I felt it. I felt it when I broke through a couple layers of my skin on that line I made on my arm. I felt the rush of slight release. I'm now I'm scared. Scared that I want to do it again. As I write this I'm also thinking of just deleting the whole thing and going to do it again. I'm afraid of what I might think of doing next because honestly, I don't know what I'll do to feel that rush again. I'm afraid of myself at this point. It's like my mind has already gone too far but an ounce of it. Just and ounce, is afraid of going that far. And that's really scaring me.

Helloraspberries1
Posts: 260
Joined: Wed May 25, 2016 2:11 pm

Re: Afraid

Postby Helloraspberries1 » Tue May 02, 2017 11:36 am

Hi and welcome to the forums.

Was just reading your story and have to say I'm sorry what you been through. Sounds like your still going through a tough time.

What's things been like since? Are you able to talk to anyone now? I hope school is going ok. It's always hard at school to confide in someone. Is your friends supportive right now?

I get some of things your saying. No one cares or understands. It's true. No one does unless they been through this.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. She sounds like someone who seemed kind and loving towards you. Hugs to you.

Hopefully over in time you and your dad bond again. It's hard when these things happen. You either draw close to one another or you drift apart. You mentioned about your dad not knowing how to help? Have you thought about giving him dome info on the illness. Would that help him understand or could someone like a doctor speak on your behalf? Are you seeing a doctor?

Please do keep in touch. If you need anyone to talk to in mean time there's the crisis team who can help.


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