Just me

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Wilted lily
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Oct 11, 2016 3:17 am

Just me

Postby Wilted lily » Tue Oct 11, 2016 3:35 am

So, I don't know how much detail to go into here. I know that my life has not been easy, but I have been blessed in many ways... But right now, none of that matters to me.
I go back into the hospital tomorrow for my second round of ECT. Medication has not worked for me. I wish I could put into words the horrible despair I feel. I don't want this life anymore. And I feel guilty saying that.
I have a husband and 3 beautiful children. And sometimes I am resentful of them because I feel they are keeping me here. I feel I'm a hostage.
I lay in bed, day after day, while life passes me by. I'm anxious and sad and angry but mostly lethargic. I don't care about anything. This illness has consumed me. I am a shell of who I was once.
I guess I'm just looking for a friend. Someone who gets it and doesn't just blow me off with," I'm sorry you feel bad."
Bad was months ago. This is agony.
I thank you for reading this and I look forward to hearing from somebody. Anybody. I need a lifeline. I need a connection. I need to feel alive.

Posts: 104
Joined: Thu Apr 11, 2013 1:59 pm
Location: Massachusetts

Re: Just me

Postby dougsan » Tue Oct 11, 2016 4:05 pm

Hi Wiltedlily. I don't know what you're going through. I do know many illnesses really suck! My "problems" run a gambit and effect my mind mostly. When anyone asks me how I am I very rudely tell them they can't begin to comprehend what its like to "feel" like me so back off and discuss something else. A couple of folks I've found on forums have been able to chat with an understanding they can't "feel my pain" and I can't feel theirs. What I look for is chatting with someone I can bitch to about not loving my family while I truly do love them, about life really sucking while knowing life doesn't suck as much as it is too challenging too often for some of us.
I often feel as if I never grew up (I'm 75) because I should be able to better control my challenges. Complete BS but thoughts are thoughts.

With caring, Doug

Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2016 3:58 pm

Re: Just me

Postby chocolatebutterfly » Tue Oct 18, 2016 10:00 am

Hi Wilted Lily.
I wanted to tell you that you are not alone in that trapped feeling. I have had depression for many years with 3 major bouts of it so far that stopped me functioning, but this last (4th) one has been a bit different because I have a family now (husband and 2 kids). I often feel trapped, because I would hurt them if I left them, yet I feel I am hurting them by being around them in my current state (irritable, negative, no energy to do things I used to do with them). It is hard.
As for ECT, I've never had it but my mother did and it actually worked for her. I hope you get some relief from it too.

Posts: 260
Joined: Wed May 25, 2016 2:11 pm

Re: Just me

Postby Helloraspberries1 » Thu Oct 20, 2016 2:17 pm

I can understand this must be hard for you. It's not easy going through this alone when you feel like no one understands.

I'm glad you got support around you. I don't think anyone will think that your being useless or selfish. This is part of your illness. Don't feel that your being a burden to anyone.

I hope the ECT is helping a little. I know you said you struggled with getting support in other areas. Sometimes you just have to try something new and you never know whether it will work or not but sounds like anyone you been doing it for a while. Which is a good thing.

It can get boring and depressing when your not doing anything at home. I completely get how you feel about that. When your husband and kids arnt there and it gets lonely. Is there anyway you can get a book to read or listen to music in your spare time? Do you think taking a bath or unwinding down will make you feel better?

I say this because when your mind is doing something else we feel trapped and can't snap out of it as if we would originally. I'm not sure if you have any friends or someone you can talk to about your feelings but if you do it may help to go to them when your feeling down. Just having someone there thinking of you can make a real difference.

Please do keep in touch and tell us how your getting on.

We are always here too :)

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