Depression Understood Forums

I wrote the following for a friend of mine in an attempt to tell him how I feel. I'm yet to pluck up the courage to send it...

There's two voices in my head, one is selfishness, and one is cold reason. A lot of the time, I can find a median between them. But then sometimes they argue and the only outcome will be depression. If reason wins, I cry because I want more, and selfishness convinces me I need more. If selfishness wins, I cry because I want what's right for those I love, I don't want to be ignorant.

Sometimes they fight for hours, and I have no choice but to listen to each argument, getting deeper and deeper into my own world until I can barely tell the difference between the two voices anymore. I can sit in that bubble for days or weeks, or sometimes it's just a couple of hours.

In that time, I might push others away because I can't know which part of me will surface. I don't trust myself to be fair on them, not to take advantage of them, or not to insult them with a cold rationality. But I normally end up hurting people anyway, even just with my lack of response.

The main thing I find people don't understand is how easy it is to slip away. They might find a way to help me, make me laugh for a few minutes, but there'll always be that bubble there at the back of my mind, waiting to engulf me again. It can take a matter of seconds, just one small doubt niggling at me, and I'm gone again. "but you were fine a few minutes ago" "you're just putting it on now".

And I'm sorry, I really am. Because for you it seems you put all that effort in for nothing. But every little display of caring or affection really does help, even if it's only in the long run.

So just one last thing then. Please don't give up on me. I might be lost or confused, but I'm in there somewhere, I can still hear you.

Hi Kyra1509, well done for getting in touch. I know it can't be easy to get off what's on your mind but you should be proud for making that first step into doing that.

As you know already, telling someone how you feel can be difficult. When it comes to relationships it can be even harder. We go crazy and avoid the obvious.

You seem to of already know this and it can be challenging. I find just asking yourself some basic questions on the situation from why do u think I'm being shelfish? Who's making me feel like this? Why do I feel this is a cold reason to ask? If you just ask yourself some of these questions you might be able to figure the answer to each problem.

Look at it in a realistic way. Don't let the negative thoughts over take the positives. Try and keep that at bay. You will find yourself more in control of your feelings and emotions. If you find writing is something you like doing to vent out then write down how you feel and what brings you to feel this way.

Take some time out for yourself. Your friends don't need to know everything. Take Care of you for a while. You won't be shelfish or cold. It's reasonable to.

Sometimes it's good to talk to a stranger. Maybe a doctor or therapist would be a good first point of contact.

Just remember your not on your own here

Please keep reaching out.