Depression Understood Forums

Tonight was a particularly low point for me. I had been getting less sleep due to waking up constantly on nights before. I kept waking up because I have been struggling with an addiction to "adult content" since I was about 11 years old. I'm now 20 and still struggle with this. I have been depressed for a very long time now, and I usually deal with it by ignoring it through playing video games, going for walks, and basically doing anything to distract myself from my own thoughts. I don't talk often due to a complete lack of interest with the topics which my family present every time they open their mouths: pageants, reality TV shows, the death and destruction which exists in our world, and Donald trump. I don'twant to hear about any of that stuff on a constant basis! It just makes me think about what a dumb world I live in.

No one really knows I'm depressed. I tend to set my mind completely on other things when I actually am around other people. Any show of affection is completely shunned and ignored by me, and I tend to have a straight face all the time because I just got used to keeping back my emotions since it seems to be sadness most of the time. I think that I'm a generally good-looking guy, and women are attracted to me and all, but I've never tried to talk to any of them because I learned not to show emotion for one thing, and I'm also afraid of what they might think if they ever found out. Due to this, I've never had a girlfriend or any type of romantic relationship whatsoever.

I'm also an engineering major in college and I'm moving on to my junior year this semester, but my depression is keeping me from having the confidence, and the attention necessary to be confident that I know what I know when doing tests.

I look into my eyes in the mirror, and I don't see anything. No emotion, no care, no soul. I'm used to hiding all of that. There are very few things that send me into the deep end of depression, but it's always random and unexpected. Tonight, it was my sister telling me that all I did was complain, and never smiled which set me off. I finished doing what I was doing, calmly went to my room without anyone suspecting a thing, buried my face in a pillow and just screamed and cried until I couldn't anymore, thinking of how much of a failure I think I am, and thinking about what if I wasn't good enough to do well in my classes this semester, and how everything that I'm going through is my own fault.

After that I realized, this was my lowest point. And I don't know how long it's going to last, but I'm going to try to give up "adult content" to end this addiction. I needed someone, anyone, to talk to about what I was feeling or else I would be in this darkness forever. I want to do better for myself, and I want to be better for myself. I just hope it lasts.

Please give me some support as I try to make things better, because there'sa long battle ahead of me.

Friend, you are not alone in your battles. I say battles because there are many. Rest assured, you are not the only person who has been through this-the adult content, the depression, the feelings of worthlessness, etc. There are many, many of us who have walked this path before you. Know this-there is hope and deliverance. I don't want to make it sound as if things will be easy-because they won't. But, you have taken the first step in acknowledging that there is a problem. These types of struggles thrive on secrecy. The more you expose them to the light, the less power they will hold over you. Your shame and embarrassment are normal and understandable. However, what you have been battling is just what you called it-an addiction. Like other forms of addiction (drugs, alcohol, etc) there is a physical component that is not easy to shake. I know you mentioned several instances of isolation. I would encourage you to break that pattern as soon as possible. I know it is the last thing you probably want to do right now. But you need an accountability partner; one who will not judge you, but will still hold you to a standard. You will be far more successful if you do not battle this alone. My thoughts and prayers are with you. If you would like to call 855-382-5433, Focus on the Family can provide a free phone consultation with a licensed counselor. They can also point you to local resources in your area. Hang in there-this is not the end.

Dear Superluous4,

It takes a brave person to be able to admit they have an addiction and the good news is that this is the beginning to the end of your addiction. Many people don't even care that they watch adult content but you do, and I think it's great that you see things this way. It will take time but you can overcome this habit and don't be afraid to ask for help from school councillors, as they will have helped others before you.

I also want to say that you are an engineering student and you wouldn't be in this program if you weren't ready for it. It's because you are intelligent and capable that you are studying engineering and with your handsome looks I think it's just a matter of time that you find someone you love. Remember, we all have our faults, and relationships are not just for perfect people. You are actually someone who is self-reflective, someone who wants to better himself, which such a rare quality. One that most people would value in their partners.

When I read your post, I saw a good guy with a happy future ahead because he wants to improve himself and has the moral judgement to know what is right and what is wrong...and you can quit this addiction.

All the best!
LadyM