It has returned with a vengance

[Tatertots]

I am 31 soon to be 32 and depression has been rearing it's ugly head again. I don't what this to be a Trigger thing but I want to be authentic and honest. So...Trigger warning..

When I was younger I gotten into self harm. I say I was about 16 or so. I haven't done this in years and do not plan to start again. However my problem is that now at this age and with this new anxiety and depression or whatever this seems to be now; I rage. And since I can not nor will let myself rage at people outwardly, I notice myself getting so worked up that I hurt myself. I do not self-harm though nor feel the need to. I am in also no way suicidal at all. My problems is being stuck in Life.

I graduated last year from college and have done nothing with the diploma. I have also been married for almost four years now. Not to be crude or talk sexual as I understand from the FAQ this is not allowed? I'm not going to get graphic mind you. I just want to convey that me and my husband is no longer sexually active. This is on his part; not mine. He is not affectionate or romantic with me at all. In fact he makes me feel like I am a chore. we are in a 100% sexless marriage. so there is that. I am dying from lack of affection...I feel so alone, so worthless, so ugly. My self esteem has taken a huge hit. It continues to every day more and more each day. I guess it does not help that I have abandonment issues stemming from being abandoned emotionally and physically by my dad. emotionally by my mom when I was a pre teen and teen. I don't remember getting much affection from my parents. In fact, If I tried to "hang all over" my parents...I was yelled at to "Leave them alone for five minutes!!!"

I top this off with a lot of family issues. I have a very long story including a bought with homelessness. this was pre husband; it was my mother and myself. My sister was my grandmother's favorite and long story short. They would (sister and grandmother) would not help us. This is not due to drug or alcohol issues on our part. (Not that you give up on people that have issues but if I was known to steal to supply a habit; than I can see not helping and a little tough love) this was due to mom having a medical issue. I remember my grandmother telling my sister at their dinner table which we were not afforded to sit at with them..."don't worry, everything will go back to normal when they go". We didn't do anything to them...nothing. They made us leave on thanksgiving week with no where to really go. we called them on thanksgiving night from where we were and they were enjoying thanksgiving dinner...my mom and I ate a nasty Ramen bowl thing. We had to hear about their great family meal. But to the point right?

We moved to a new state and got back on our feet. Tides turned and they (sister and grandmother) found themselves in our shoes. My mom paid for a first month and security deposit for them to make sure they had a place...we helped them with everything. My grandma died a little after. I never got to ask her why she hated me or why she threw me away...no closure. My sister is so needy and my mothers life revolves around her. in turn all my mom can talk about is her and her drama when we are together. so affectively my sisters drama becomes my mothers...than becomes mine. this leaves me with no one to talk to. And when I mean no one I mean no one. I have no friends at all. I don't trust people due to abandonment issues and childhood abuse by my dad. I don't know what to do...I rage and I am full with anger and stress more and more each day. I feel so alone and have no one to talk to. I can not afford medical care let alone counseling etc. how do I move through this? I feel like I am floating through life and settling for whatever cause im not going to get any better. Lets face it; I have way more issues that I posted hear...but I don't want to write a novel nor do I want to bore people to tears. I just don't know what to do I can feel myself giving up. Not in a suicidal way at all...just in the fact that all I want to do is sleep all day and be left alone. I want a life...a real life. what do I do?

[defeated]

Hey Tatertots,

Welcome to the forum and for sharing your story.

Its obvious you've been through so much in your past that seems to be following you around which can definitely take a toll on someone. Have you considered writing in a journal? Maybe letting out some of the rage by exercising?

I'm so sorry that your relationship has no affection in it, I have found myself in a similar situation in the past. I know how bad it could make someone feel. *hugs* I can also relate about not having affection growing up, that was hard as well.

Are there any income based places in your area for counseling or psychiatric services? Usually those places are like little hidden gems.

Please hang in there *hugs*

[GlassHeart]

Thank you for sharing your story. I can identify with the abandonment issues. I also used to self-harm myself as a teenager, because I felt I deserved to be punished and feel the pain.
I came from a broken home and was violently abused by both parents. My mother took me away from home and moved me to a very small town as an adolescent, where I didn't belong. They could not afford college and I can't find a job that pays enough to meet income requirements on housing by myself.
I am terrified that I will end up homeless!
However, you say you were homeless at one time. Please don't take this the wrong way, but how were you able to get yourself a man having been homeless?
All I have are my two mentally ill parents. No one else. My one friend in the world is not able to help me much. He can't take me in when I go to the city to look for work. And I have not been able to hold a job!

I fell in love with someone who rejected me - mostly because of my situation. I know he is accustomed to dating more successful women, and I felt ashamed, like I had nothing to offer him.
I am 45. I NEVER had a long term serious relationship.
I have abandonment issues and a fear of rejection. As I have aged, these issues have become worse, not better. It will take me weeks to see a therapist because my former therapist moved. I have no one to talk to myself.
I have tried reaching out, too. But people in the small town I live in have different lifestyles. I don't have children or a husband so I don't fit in with them, though I have tried being friends with them.
You probably feel all alone like I do.
I never got to the point of a relationship with a man, but I know how it is to feel unloved. Years ago I dated guys who were not affectionate and ignored me most of the time. Nowadays I don't date much anymore. Not many people in my age group to date. Throughout my life, I've had people tell me I am not pretty enough to have a boyfriend.
I know how it is to feel unloved - I never had anyone to love me, and the one person who told me so 10 years ago was a lying cheat.
Someone advised journaling. I keep a journal and it does help to sort out my feelings, because I am doing a lot of soul-searching right now, especially since I have no one to talk to. It helps to keep a record of how you are feeling and what you need to work on.
I cannot offer any relationship advice, but I hope you know that there are other people in similar emotional situations who understand how you must be feeling. You are not alone in how you feel. I've felt better getting my thoughts out in this forum.
Thanks again for venting. I hope this helps!
P.S. - and about holiday meals - the last few years I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas at my house alone. Whenever my parents and I get together there is always a fight and they ruin the holiday. They are the only family I have. So I choose to stay alone since I have no friends at all to spend special occasions with. Not even a neighbor to stop by with a plate of leftovers!

[DevotedBaker54]

I'm sorry your depression is back. It is a terrible feeling to think you are past depression, and then it comes back again.
I've learned that anger is a secondary emotion. No one gets angry unless they experience fear, humiliation, frustration, or feel pressured first. I think it helps to understand and accept that you can only control your emotions. You cannot control how others feel or act. With that being said, it's okay to have fear or be frustrated, but try to stop the emotion there. Work through your fears and frustrations before you turn to anger.
I'm sorry life hasn't handed you the best things, but I can tell you're a strong person and you can fight through this. You said counseling is out of the question because of money, but do you belong to a church or anything? They may be able to give you free counseling there.
Hope things start changing for you soon! Hang in there