Who hates me more?

[347814]

I am incapable of developing legitimate friendships because I believe I am a terrible person.

Have you ever heard this quote, it's something along the lines of "you'll never be able to hate me as much as I hate myself."? I am a terrible person. I am shallow, competitive, have trust issues, am insecure, have eating disorders(ana and mia), am impatient, and quick to judge. recognize these faults in myself and because of them I refuse to build real friendships or let anyone actually know the real me.

Why would I inflict my unpleasant presence on someone, especially because I'll probably get annoyed and bored with them. This wouldn't be a problem except I always break down because I feel so alone, I cut and I cry but I believe so little in the humanity of myself, and others, that it seems pointless to reach out. No one actually cares about others, we are all selfish. I read so much about strong relationships, where people "love" each other but I am unable to believe these things exist.

What am I supposed to do when I hate myself more than imaginable, but have no faith that anyone would actually, legitimately care? How do I get better if my only outlook on life is negative?

[nenkohai2]

An answer you've probably heard many times before: seek-out and commit to therapy. Beginning to respect and like yourself more is the stepping stone to relationships. My thought would be for you worry about YOU for right now. Get yourself in a better place (with professional help) - other things will naturally follow.

Stuff you've probably heard.Time to act on it. Go slow and just work on it. It's about YOU; not relationships or other people. Go slow but work in good faith, and things will improve.

[100footpole]

You ask:

What am I supposed to do when I hate myself more than imaginable, but have no faith that anyone would actually, legitimately care?

I don't know what you are supposed to do ... because the answer is up to you. When I read your question I thought about The Wizard of Oz Movie ... The scarecrow, the tin man, the lion were all beating themselves up for lacking something, but I couldn't ever see a difference between the characters. I know it sounds simplistic to point to a children's movie, but I've been thinking about this same thing with respect to world politics. You can pick any piece of news that you just don't get ... but someone else has done something unconscionable to you because they thought were right.

How do I get better if my only outlook on life is negative?

A therapist can help you explore intellectual paradoxes, and anti-depressants may help you with a chemical bias in your brain. I know the last time I went off anti-depressants I was fine for several months until I became overwhelmed with a feeling of negativity and anxiety. Yes, I think the anti-depressants changed my perception of reality, but not my reality. Something I think about often is called "Condorcet criterion" where some voting systems support transitivity, while others don't. I think of anti-depressants as being drugs that allow me to have a view that "works" mathematically, instead of getting caught up in loops like the one you describe.

Please let me know what you're thinking.

[viuuiuvy]

A good idea is to stay positive. In the past, my mother would complain to me about my negative mindset & would buy me books about how to stay positive.

Over time, after reading so many books about certain things, and after going through therapy...I've found myself not wanting to be around negativity at all & make sure my place is clean & nice.

If you find yourself feeling negative all the time try putting up artwork on your walls & keeping your place clean. It tends to get rid of those types of moods. That is what the staff told me to do in order to stay away from such things.

Some people don't live in special housing units & don't get the support they need right away. With such a positive atmosphere where I'm at & with the office open 24/7, there is always someone to talk to when feeling really negative & out of it.

Hope things work out better.