A life of misfortune

[Tasha82]

My story starts when I was 5 or 6 years old. Both of my parents were in a motorcycle accident. My mother died first and my father around Christmas. During that time my grandfather (on my dads side) began to sexually abuse both me and my older sister. Our Aunt took us in (on my mothers side) at the tender age of 19. She now had 5 kids....her 2 boys and and her 3 nieces. Once we moved in and got settled the news broke about my grandfather molesting us as it was still happening to us. We went to court and were too young to really know what was going on. This opened the door to my Uncles side of the family to continue the abuse. I remember being in a bed with my sister and being forced inappropriately touch my uncle all night long. If we moved our hand, he put it back. Growing up with this behavior since as early as I can remember it only seemed natural and that everyone did this. Off and on my sister and I were physically abused growing up my uncles side of the family. On my 14 birthday my cousin sexually abused me and that was how I lost my virginity. My aunt said she took us to therapy when it first started and that I shut down and would not talk to the therapist. I honestly don't remember a lot of my child hood. I have somehow developed a coping mechanism that works for me where I block it out as if it never happened and my ability to not hold grudges and to just get over things is undeniably a result of what has happened to me growing up.

I was always boy crazy growing up and had many sexual experiences growing up..it seemed normal to me. I have had battled depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies. I have always been in relationships that were unhealthy for me. My family has been very supportive of my life and helped me join the Navy when I graduated high school. That was not a good idea. I started drinking heavily as I was easily able acquire alcohol being in the military. I got married eventually and that was also a mistake. The marriage was a ploy so I didn't have to come home and face my family after being discharged from the Navy. Honorable discharge at least. I moved from home state of PA to other locations for the military training. I only lasted a year but it helped build my self esteem. I came home when I seemed to fail at everything including my 6 month long marriage.

I continued to work different jobs none of them lasting long until I finally met my neighbor at my new residence. I was partying and working and "fell in love" so I thought. I ended up pregnant to this man and we had a beautiful little boy. I outgrew this relationship eventually. It lasted on and off for about 8 years. He was a pot head and "on disability" and had never worked a day in his life. No chance of child support from that guy. Again I was sexually abused by his "step-son" while he was away visiting friends of ours in another state. He drugged and sexually assaulted me in my own living room with my child asleep upstairs. I took this very hard. I contemplated suicide and fell into a dark depression. I drown myself in music and self medicating with marijuana. The only thing that kept me alive was the fact that I didn't want my son to have to deal with the loss of a parent at such a young age like I did. He was my only reason for living.

I finally ended up in what I thought was a dream relationship with someone I grew up knowing. His parents and my parents were friends and he always had a crush on me growing up. We would see each other over the years off and on and catch up. We briefly dated back in high school. He was such a nerd back then and I was a shallow girl not fit to be seen with that guy! Every time his parents seen me before this relationship they were always nice and bragged about how they changed my diapers when I was little. His father is out there...I mean he literally lives in his own universe. I wish I could describe him. When the relationship started to get serious I seen a huge change in this his father. He went from loving me and supporting me to telling me how I was damaged goods because I have a child and telling me that I am not good enough for his son because I was a smoker (cigarettes) to hating me so much that I am no longer welcome in their house.

Back story on his father...he is an abusive husband and father. He partied with my parents when they were growing up and physically abused his wife and children and controlled every aspect of his house. He went as far as going thru his children belongings and cars and gave them no privacy. His kids couldn't wait to move out of that place. I cant even describe the way you feel when you walk into their house. One day it all seemed to change. They day he was physically abusing his wife and his children finally had enough and had the cops not showed up when they did his son was going to kill him. He was put in the hospital psychiatric ward and is a "born again Christian" in his head.

I am still in this relationship and his father still hates me. The outcome of the way my fiance was raised is haunting us today. He tries to discipline my child and does it with a heavy hand. I have to come between them a lot because I have to explain to him that you don't need to hit him to get your point across.

Back story on my son...He is now 11 years old. At the age of 3 he was diagnosed with ADHD/ODD. He was a very violent child and I could not figure out why. I used to have to literally restrain him so that he would not hurt me and his cousins. I would scream uncontrollably and head butt me when I held him. At the age of 4 he was diagnosed this juvenile diabetes and needed 6-7 shots of insulin a day. His diabetes was very uncontrollable until recently. His real father is more like a friend to him than a father figure. His real father suffers from seizures and has absolutely no common sense or book smarts. He is a stoner bum that will go nowhere in life. I tried to keep them apart as he was no good for my child but that didn't work. I finally let him come around and I will let my son make his own opinions about him. My son has come a long way and still has a long way to go. He is mentally delayed compared to the other kids his age and he is definitely smaller than all the other kids his age. He sometimes pushes my fiance buttons on purpose but for the most part is a respectful. He focuses on music and technology.

My fiance has anger issues and is boarder-line verbally abusive to my child. He has never raised a hand to me. He had to be a mature responsible adult at a young age and seems like he wants my child to be the same. I have tried to explain to him that every child is different and he will develop in his own time. He also wants to be called DAD...yeah right buddy...that comes in time if it comes at all.

In the last year I had surgery to get my tubes un-tied so that I could have a child with him and it worked...but I had a tubal pregnancy and we lost the baby around the same time that I lost my management job that I was striving at for the last 3 years. This did not go well for me. I again became depress and angry and wanted nothing more than destroy the people that fired me. Honestly if I had deserved being fired I would not have been as mad but I didn't deserve to be fired. I am still self medicating (weed) but my hubby is completely against it and says that it has no medical benefits. He was raised way different than I was and has a stigma about it. I asked him to do some research on it and he will come to see that he is wrong. I have again been dealing with my depression which he now insists is a symptom of PTSD and that is what I have according to him. Regardless....I wanted to feel differnet inside. I thought about putting myself in a hospital, I want help but I just cant do it. He works long hours and I need to be here to put my kid on the bus and take care of him while hubby is at work. Suicide keeps comeing back to haunt me because at that point I know my family will take my son, hubby would be stuck trying to figure out what to do with our house....renting, and if i make a will I can make sure everything is taken care of. I would feel bad for my family because I know losing me would hard for them but at this point its about me. I will be done suffering inside and my son will grow up with people that can take care of him. My hubby might have to return to his mom and dads house which trust me is also a death sentence for him. I just don't know what to do anymore. ...

[100footpole]

Tasha82,

(((Hugs)))

Did you call that number? I don't know anything about it ... but if it helped you or disappointed you doesn't matter, your opinion is what matters! Please let us know what you're trying.

It sounds like people tried to take your power, and you got it back, and then got hit with what we would call "bad times", but which don't compare to your horrific times ... the bad times make you think that you're in for more ... but you're not. We all have the power to keep going, to endure while we try. You are not alone. And your success will help someone else.

For me this is a place where I say what did or didn't work for me, and I want to know what you're trying to see if there is a better way when you find something that works for you.

[Tasha82]

My Last will…

I would like to start by saying that I love all of you very much. I have been battling depression for a long time. The battle is over. Please do not think that any one of you have done this to me. I just can’t handle life anymore. I no longer have the will to live and can’t help but feel my life slipping away. I was so happy at one time, so very happy! Nathan and Johnathen have been the best things to happen in my life. I can’t thank my mom enough for everything that she has done for me growing up. She gave us a chance to live a normal life after my parents passed away. I however can no longer cope with the feelings of uselessness and helplessness that I feel. These feelings have always been there but have got worse since I was fired from Arby’s. I hold the managers Carlie Minard, Jessica the GM and the Nicole the new Store manager at Arbys in Aliquippa for my Demise. I was holding my life together in an imperfect balance for over 3 years, feeling like my life had a purpose and meaning. Since that day I have felt a vast array of emotions flood me every day. I wanted to get help for these feelings but I cannot put the burden of my child onto someone else. I don’t even know if I truly want to die but I certainly don’t want to live anymore. Sound confusing, try being on this end. I have lost my passion for life and my will to continue. I feel like the emptiness in me grows a little more each day. I cannot describe these feelings. Go ahead and judge me, tell to stop being stupid that is what everyone would say while I am alive. Instead of trying to help they throw their words out there thinking that I am being ridiculous. Not very ridiculous now is it…now that I am not with you anymore. Now you wish you would have listened a little harder to my words and payed a little bit more attention to what I was saying rather than telling be to stop talking like that. I have been crying out for help for a long time now, nobody listened. Please do not blame yourselves, I don’t. I may have been happy again if I would have sought help sooner, been happy the way I used to be but we will never know. In writing this I was hoping that the feelings would pass or maybe even the fact that I am writing my last goodbyes would be me realize that I want to live. I guess only time will tell.

First and foremost I ask and beg of you to please do not give custody of my son Johnathen to his father Scott . He will be dead in a month. He cannot take care of himself let alone a child with Johnathen’s medical needs. He does not have a place to call his own and has lived with anyone that will take him since the day I have met him. He does not have a vehicle or a driver’s liscence to take him to medical appointments needed. He is unhygienic, has the IQ of a 1st grader when it comes to academics and will be of no use to Johnathen as a parent or guardian.

I leave everything I own to Nathan whom has been by my side since 2012 and he can determine what items are to be given to my family that belonged to me. I do not believe I have anything that needs to be passed down to my son but who know what you will find when go through my belongings.
I am sorry to everyone that is effect by this. I just don’t know how to say this. I am tired of the struggles of my life. I am tired of being pushed down right after I get up. I cannot take this life anymore.