I hope I'm not alone

[PianoStrings]

I've been coping with Depression and an Anxiety disorder for a long time now. I'm still young, and so should be thinking "I have so much left to live for". So much to look forward to. But I can't see it. No matter how hard I try, I just can't.

There are many times when I get so angry and upset and frustrated and dead inside that I want to take my own life. I won't sugar coat it, I've hurt myself before. Lots of times. Fear of being caught brought that to an end, which I suppose is good.

Here's the thing. I've been very lucky. I've been through cognitive behavioral therapy. When I told my parents, they got me helped. Like if I took my life it would be on them, so they needed to. And the thing is, they seem to think that therapy was a magical cure for me. It helped a little, but not much. I pretended I was okay because I didn't want to annoy them. They never want to hear about it. We pretend it never happened, never existed. They're not bad people, they just can't understand. And this pretending is killing me slowly. I'm screaming and no one can hear me. I'm dying inside and no one can see it.

No one knows the real me. No one knows what I've been through. I hate living at home. I have lots of friends, but not a single one I feel I can talk to about this.

I know how this must sound. I've been listened to. I've had help. I'm being ungrateful. I should be fine.

But I'm not. I don't like living with my parents. I feel completely alone. I feel like I'm dead inside and I'm desperate to feel alive again. I'm trying to be positive but that's really really hard. I have no one to talk to who understands how I feel. I came here in the hope of finding others who really understand what it feels like. The truth is, if I could have one wish, it would be to feel happy again. Even when I fee like I want to die, deep down I just want the pain to end. Now it's not even like I'm hurting- I'm just dead. Just drifting.
I want to find myself again. I want my life back. However negative this message seems, I want to make a change. I want to help myself, and hopefully, eventually, help others. I don't want to be alone anymore. If you read this, thank you. Any replies would mean the world to me, to let me know I'm not alone. I know so many others have suffered far greater things in their lives and that I'm lucky. I just don't feel like it sometimes. I want to be alive again.

Hopeful living,

Another person who wants to change.

[Ch0senGen]

Hi,
I am also young. I have been where you are. It was not pretty. I had suicidal thoughts. I didn't want to live anymore. I just wanted it to end and one time attempted to end it. I was so depressed and felt like my life was never going to improve. I felt like I lived in a hole that I could never get out of - like there was no escape. I also felt like maybe I was ungrateful. The fact that you question if you are ungrateful means you are not ungrateful. You are going through a very tough time right now. Just because other people have been through worse it does not negate what you are going through. But believe me it does get better. Right now you may feel like you are in a vortex but things can improve. You are not trapped.

[PianoStrings]

Hi,
I have been where you are.

Thank you so much, this means a lot. I hope you are through the worst and wish you the best. Even though it's hard to believe sometimes, it's comforting to know I'm not the only person who feels this way. I'm doing my best to hope.

[Ch0senGen]

Yes, I am through my struggle. Honestly, the only way I made it through was because of my faith. God has helped me so much. He was there for me when no one else understood. He saved my life so many times.
Don't give in to your suicidal thoughts. I know first hand that life is worth living. I am so glad my plan did not succeed or I would have missed out on so much. I would have deeply regretted it. My life is much better than I could have thought. I feel happy and grateful to have lived. I know now that my life has meaning.

btw
Do you play piano? Just curious because I have always wanted to play.

[PianoStrings]

[quote="Ch0senGen"]

You must be a strong person to have so much faith! I do my best to trust in God but sometimes it gets hard. Still, I believe he is doing what he can to help me and I'm doing my part to stay strong too. It's comforting to know that he's there for me even if I feel like others aren't. I'm so glad you've made it through and are alive and doing well, it's amazing that you've managed to turn things around thank you for your advice and kind words, despite how hard things seem sometimes I'm determined not to give in.

And yes haha I do play the piano!!! It's one of my favourite hobbies, if you're able to you should definitely try to learn it's really fun and great for stress and other things. Do you have any hobbies?

[Ch0senGen]

I am not such a strong person. God is Strong. He is the one who carried me through my difficulties and He is the One who will carry you through yours too.

Yes, my blog is one of my hobbies. LoL!!
I love it! I can share God's Word with people and my research that I have done in the original Greek and Hebrew. I am a little bit of a dork lol
I am actually in training to become a pastor.

https://theancientofdayschosengeneration.wordpress.com/

Piano is awesome! I think maybe one day I will take lessons. How long have you been playing?

[PianoStrings]

Wow your blog looks really interesting! I think it's fantastic you've found such an awesome hobby. Haha I've never been very good at learning languages but I think it's a wonderful skill to have. I'm very passionate about music though. I don't think it's dorky it's actually really cool lol.
Oh my gosh that sounds great- I wish you the best of luck! How long have you been training for?
I've been playing for eight years now- it's a long time but I still love it!

[Ch0senGen]

Thanks! Wow 8 years is a long time. That's really cool. I am not very musical. LoL!
I have been in training for about 8 months now. It has been awesome. I heard this song and thought it might minister to you. I love it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GO9wwPtsRQA

It is one of my new favorites.

[PianoStrings]

Sorry I didn't leave a message for a while- life got in the way haha. I listened to the song and I love! It's really inspiring- thanks for the recommendation! Aw I'm glad you're enjoying it, I wish you luck!

[Ch0senGen]

Thanks! Glad you liked the song. God Bless!
If you ever want to talk or want prayer let me know!

[PianoStrings]

To you too! Thank you for everything, it's been wonderful talking to you- all the best!