Depression Understood Forums

Hey there guys, gals, and well, whoever else is out there I guess.. I'm not sure who to tell or what to do so I guess I'll start here and see where things take me. I'm not sure what all I'm gonna get ragged on for, or who's going to say what, but I'm looking forward and dreading to read your responses.

So, I guess I should begin. I'm 19 years old, getting closer and closer to my 20th birthday. I've dropped out of college twice already, been through 4 jobs since graduating high school and two before. I've been with my current one for around 7 months (3 of that I was on medical leave due to surgery). I've been battling with depression since I was about 9 and a half years old. My parents split when I was 8 and a half and that caused the onset of minor depression which then more or less spiraled out of control from there. I soon got sent to see a therapist by my dad because I was "feeling down". For a while it helped, but mainly because all me and the therapist did was play video games on his old Sega console. So we'd screw around, shoot some zombies, talk about school, and other things like that. It really never helped me, just kind of avoided the issues and kept my mind off of things, but I mean, I was 10, how do I explain that I feel emotionally dead inside? I didn't know what was going on.

So, fast forward 3 years, I'm now 12. Stopped seeing the therapist in my 10th year, we called it good and I had gotten very good at avoiding my issues and hiding my problems. Every time something made me angry or anxious or depressed I would go and play video games or watch some television or movies (I really loved anything suspenseful). All those things I guess stimulated some form of sudo-emotions inside of me. In any case, I got by. Then everything went to hell, my great grandmother died, I mean, I was 12 and all but I'm still not really grasping onto the fact that people die in life. That set off something that I hadn't really seen before in how I felt, the super highs and the really low lows. I had Bipolar Disorder. I found this out when I was working with a therapist that I went to when I went to see my grandpa, he was a nice older guy that talked to me more than anything. He used to be a pastor too, although I didn't really see any point in religion once I turned about 13. But everything started to smooth over the feelings died down, and the pain stopped. Oh, yeah, there was pain. Constantly, I would burn my arms in little places because it distracted me from the pain I felt inside. I didn't know what else to do and I was a little bit of a pyromaniac as a kid.

Fast forward another year or so. I'm in high school now, first year, everything is going good. Then I meet this girl, for anonymity's sake, lets call her Jane. I met Jane in band class and she was gorgeous, perfect even. A cute smite, perfect hair, I fell in love with her at first sight, as far as appearances go, so past that, I wanted to get to know her, for her. I talked to her for close to three months before asking her out. She said no, that she was seeing someone else. So I asked who and she said, well, lets call him James. The shocker was, I was friends with him, I mean, if you can call it that. Me and him shared classes, talked a ton, played games together. It was all fun and games really. So I made myself content with being her friend. But on the inside, I felt almost heartbroken. So I asked "James" about it and he said that he loved her, and that was the end of that. I didn't even take a second look at her, she was my friend now, because she was his girlfriend. I'm not that kind of guy.

So, over the high school years, I had around 6 girlfriends, 2 somewhat long term, I was the quiet kid, made good grades but never studied, I never applied myself. I was always in the computer lab helping the guys work on the laptops, that was kind of my thing. But I always helped others out with whatever they needed and just kept to myself. Come senior year I stepped out of my shell a little. I was 18 now, top dog on the field. I felt invincible.. Then... He broke her heart. James cheated on her. I felt furious, I went over and yelled at him for hours. She had come to me, crying, in tears, she was a mess. We hugged for hours. And then, she kissed me. I felt guilty about it, but that brought back all the feelings from before, the way she made me feel. I kissed her back, she told me she had always felt for me.. Always loved me.. Then, well, she and I did what all passion driven teenagers that are just above the legal age do...

A week later I found out she did it to get back at him... I missed two weeks of school, tried to shoot myself twice, almost swallowed a whole bottle of pills, burned the skin off my arm in one place.. It hurt.. It hurt more than ever before.. I was angry, but more than that I didn't know what to do.. From there everything went to hell. I dated on and off for around 4 months, probably 16 girls, I can't even remember. It was all crazy.. Got diagnosed at a military hospital (step father is retired army) and I had the records sealed and wouldn't have them released to my family. I have Bipolar II, ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Adjustment Disorder, I mean, the list goes on and on. I was in the hospital down there for two months, pretended I was visiting an old friend for a couple months to help him turn his life around. The care was free so no medical bills to worry about, but I refused treatment after I had been diagnosed with a list of things a mile long..

Since leaving the hospital 9 months ago I have had 26 suicide attempts and today might make 27, I'm honestly not sure. The only reason I haven't been able to is because of a girl I've been "seeing" for the last 7 months.. She's honestly as bad as I am, she has depression, and I don't mean to seem rude or in light of her situation, but me and her have talked, and we both know that mine is a thousand times worse. If I didn't have her to think about I'd probably be trying every single day now.. Probably would have succeeded...

And now I'm here, before my 20th birthday in the not so distant future, emotionally dead, without care for myself. I mean, I can't even tell my mother that I love her without lying. I don't feel like I love her or anyone else in my family anymore. I hate feeling this way.. But that's all I feel, hatred, anxiety, depression, all the things I don't want to, but can never stop nor control..

Well.. That's most everything, but before I get posts about what I should do, or what "needs to happen". I live with my parents at the moment, my mother has stage 3 cancer in the fluid around her brain. She has lapses in memory and can hardly walk anymore. My step dad works 14 hour work days, my dad and I haven't really talked in 2 years, I don't consider my step mom family, they adopted a baby boy I never see nor care about, he's not important to me. My brothers are always gone and I hate both of them. I work overnights so I don't have to deal with anyone, but the hours kill me, my body can't adjust, and I can barely sleep. I'm at least 5 grand in debt to the schools I left. My parents have no idea that none of the money I make at work goes to a "college fund". I can't manage money, I spend it all on food, games, movies, etc. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs. I still have pain meds from my surgery which I think about taking bottles of every day. I constantly dream about what it would be like to end it, how much better it would be if I wasn't here. I know I need help, but I can't bring myself to get it. I finally told my grandmother two weeks ago and she didn't believe me when I told her how bad it was, she had no clue at all. I've tried to get in touch with the only psychologist near me that takes my insurance but she never responded and every time I try to write an email I get a mini anxiety attack. I can barely function at work, I only get by because the job hardly requires me to do anything, and I'd get fired if they knew about my mental state because of the nature of the job. I'm barely functioning at home in any case, I lock myself in my room and keep everyone away so they don't see how bad it is..

I'm just afraid that when I do swallow a bottle of pills.. That I won't be able to call the cops to come and get me.. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm all alone here.. I can't imagine myself living more than a year at best.. So I guess this is my last thing I wanted to try.. Kinda silly huh..?

You're afraid that after you take a bunch of pills you won't be able to get to the phone to call the cops to come get you?

That's gotta tell you something, ya know? It tells me that you don't want to die. That's good. So, if you don't want to die, well, why are you doing it? Why even consider it? If you want something to spend your energy on, spend it on getting with a good doc or counselor. And work. Work to get better. Because it IS work. Hard work. But good work, ya know?

Best of all luck

I mean, I don't think I want to die, but I'm just not sure what I can do.. Every time I go anywhere outside of my room I have around a 90% chance of getting a massive anxiety attack and I'm too worried to call the cops or the hospital to tell them how bad it is.. I don't know what I can do..

First, I read your post and want to comment on your opening:

I'm not sure what all I'm gonna get ragged on for, or who's going to say what, but I'm looking forward and dreading to read your responses.

and nenkohai2's response:

Work to get better. Because it IS work. Hard work. But good work, ya know?

You are a strong person. This shows, not from your diagnosis, but from the fact that you have been able to hide your symptoms.

You were abused by your other girlfriend who:

A week later I found out she did it to get back at him...

That was not fair. You reacted by:

I missed two weeks of school, tried to shoot myself twice, almost swallowed a whole bottle of pills, burned the skin off my arm in one place..

Most people would think that makes no sense, but it sounds familiar to me. I am currently a smoker because I started to burn my arms to help with my inner pain. I started doing that when I went away to college. I graduated in three years, but I had a reputation as a weird guy who always wore long sleeve shirts. I went through three assigned roommates at school because I never made any friends.

So to me, your decisions to:

My parents have no idea that none of the money I make at work goes to a "college fund".

seems pretty rational. And your statement:

I can't manage money, I spend it all on food, games, movies, etc. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs.

also seems very rational because my third year I went from a 4.0 to a 3.2 GPA because I spent the last year bingeing on drugs and alcohol. I think you could manage school if you want to, but it doesn't sound like you are ready to find your dream, you would be going because it is expected of you, and you don't need that kind of pressure.

The person I worry about is your current girlfriend. This does not sound like a good relationship for either of you:

26 suicide attempts and today might make 27, I'm honestly not sure. The only reason I haven't been able to is because of a girl I've been "seeing" for the last 7 months.. She's honestly as bad as I am, she has depression, and I don't mean to seem rude or in light of her situation, but me and her have talked, and we both know that mine is a thousand times worse.

It sounds like you two are co-dependent. In one sentence you say that she is as bad as you, and in the next you say you are a a thousand times worse. That is depression talking. It is important to have a reason to live, and since the fact that you are attempting shows you do have that reason.

I am not saying break it off with her by any means. If you two can conquer your mutual problems together you will be a STRONG couple. But, I think if you two rely on your mood cycles not to coincide you are asking for trouble.

I consciously decided not to date girls with problems, because I found that I was hurting myself and them. That made for a long, lonely time before I became well enough to impress someone without drama, but I know three of the girls I avoided all married several times, so I know that was the right choice for me.

I think you should be careful with how much emotional currency you invest in your girlfriend, and I think you should concentrate on offering her all the support you can.

You answered Nenkohai2's note by saying:

Every time I go anywhere outside of my room I have around a 90% chance of getting a massive anxiety attack and I'm too worried to call the cops or the hospital to tell them how bad it is

There is no need to call the cops or a hospital. Call a suicide hotline, and talk to someone, make a plan for getting into therapy. Leave it up to the person on the other end of the phone to decide if you need the drama of a police/ambulance intervention, or if there is a calm way you can do this. Maybe with the help of some of your relatives.

Finally, please, re-read your post. I think you wrote the best summary of that post:

In any case, I got by.

The fact that you knew that something was still wrong during all those good times shows how strong you are. Similarly, this diagnosis:

Bipolar II, ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Adjustment Disorder, I mean, the list goes on and on

Describes the hardware you are running on, and not WHO you are. To know what I'm talking about look at the movie "A Beautiful Mind" about John Nash. I think the ending illustrates the difference between "software - You" and "hardware - Your brain."

Please write back, feel free to rag on me, tell me why my advice is stupid. I feel like I am writing to myself 38 years ago, and your thoughts will help me remember what I was thinking and feeling then.

Sorry to hear things are difficult for you, there is certainly a lot going on for you. I want to encourage you not to get stuck in the mindset that things would be better if you were no longer around. There are plenty of people in your life that would notice your absence. So many times we don't know the impact of those around us. I've struggled with depression in a bit of a related way when I lost my mom in a car accident years ago. I was kicked out of college, slept all day and just didn't want to do anything. That is the easy out and as I'm sure you know will not result an any changes. What worked for me was having a good friend to talk to, not one who was going to give me advice or tell me what to do, just someone to vent to, someone who would encourage me and help me motivate myself to move forward. If you need someone to talk to and are unsure of who give the national suicide hotline a call 1 (800) 273-8255. One place I called in that last month was focus on the family, they have a counseling that is free to use, at least once, and can give you contacts of people in your area. 1-800-A-Family (232-6459). It was good to talk to them, they really listened and didn't try to interject their opinions on me. I hope things move forward in a positive way for you and they will get better. Don't be discouraged, you can beat this!

Vincem,

Call those numbers.

Let us know how you feel.

You are explorer, and what you learn will help someone else.

Hey guys, I don't really know what I'm doing at the moment. I haven't attempted anything irrational yet. My "girlfriend" tried to slit her wrists a couple days back and is in the hospital at the moment. I honestly think I'm going to talk to her and break it off in the next week or two after she comes back from it. I just can't handle the pressure or the stress from this relationship in the slightest. I think that's what's pushing me over the edge at the moment.

I also think one of the worst things about my current situation is the fact that I live in a small town, so outlets for socialization are few and far between and most of the communication I have with "the outside world" is through a barrier known as "my computer." So I feel as though I'm not getting the social interaction that I need to push through any of my issues.

Another big thing is that I'm really not able to seek help for any of my problems because my mind rationalizes that I don't need to get help until it gets to the point where I actually attempt to hurt or even kill myself. So I'm trying (unsuccessfully so far) to push through that mental barrier. I really think I can do some things, but there are others that I feel as though I'm powerless to control.

Another really bad thing that's been going on for the last few days are the nightmares. I never really had them this badly before but I've been waking up in a cold sweat nearly screaming because of how bad it is. Thankfully everyone is gone during the day and I work overnights (which I hate) so I don't have to deal with anyone asking any questions.

I did call one of those numbers when I started to feel really bad again and I talked to someone on there for maybe a minute or two. They asked some personal questions that set off some bad memories and I started crying and got hit with a pretty bad anxiety attack and just hung up...

Vincem,

Writing on here is one of the few places that I think I am being myself. Everywhere else I feel like I'm being superficial and I feel hollow like an old tree.

That is the depression talking, and I know it. Writing on here helps me recognize the thoughts for what they are ... just negative thoughts, and it lets me appreciate my positive thoughts as signs of getting better.

You wrote:

Another big thing is that I'm really not able to seek help for any of my problems because my mind rationalizes that I don't need to get help until it gets to the point where I actually attempt to hurt or even kill myself. So I'm trying (unsuccessfully so far) to push through that mental barrier. I really think I can do some things, but there are others that I feel as though I'm powerless to control.

Keep trying to get through that mental barrier. Try to call those numbers again. Tell them that the personal questions make you anxious. They are there to help.

Don't worry about hanging up, the people on the other line know that you have to go at your own speed. Tell them that at the beginning of the conversation.

You can't fix everything at once. Little steps. Trust yourself.

I am so sorry about your girlfriend. My experience has been that I nebe careful caring too much. When someone else fails, I go down hill too.

My story is that I was helping someone who was having trouble staying in school and staying off drugs. I spent a summer working with them every day. I sat with the person and their mother talking to a social worker. Everything seemed to be going OK, then the mother killed herself. The person ended up in jail, and then when I tried to reconnect with them when they got out they were too hard. That experience makes it hard for me to trust again. People need to care about themselves first, and that can be a painful rule to follow.