Depression Understood Forums

For the last 7 years my husband, not knowing how to deal with changes in the family makes sure that I am beaten down regularly emotionally by yelling and getting defensive even over me saying "Hello" when he comes home.
Last night by the time he was done I found myself curling up in a ball on the bed. I wish I could say this happens infrequently, but he is an expert at passive aggressive behavior so that it looks or sounds reasonable that his aggressiveness is my fault. I have had enough. To me, what he is doing is a Mark, of a very insecure man. It takes a healthy person to be ok with your spouse being better than you at something. To also have strength and also have good things to bring to the table. I don't care that he has been supporting me for the last 8 years. He has lied to me about his annual income, he has NOT done much to encourage me in my career. I am regularly told I am wrong or crazy and this last conversation at least he admitted that I am intelligent but now sees me as disabled. The final truth of the pudding is him telling me he wouldn't want to trade places with me for even 6 months. That is when I knew that my suffering is real AND that he DOES in fact see it and WILL not take part in conversations that could help me recover. He treats the cat better. So what can I do? Leaving is not an answer only because I do not have a job where I can support myself and help pay the loans we took out for our kids to go to college.
In order for me to get better, I need to get out of the house every day. I need to change my eating habits and focus on those things that will give me a professional position to make sure my kids have a good start without crippling debt. Also, I realize that I want better memories of me and my home and my family than what the last several years have been.
If this sounds selfish, maybe a little selfishness is due me on my part.
Here is the real tragedy, my husband is a good man. He just having problems with handling his frustrations about things and has made me the punching bag. It is my fault that I have reacted submissively which encourages it or ended up arguing back which ends up giving opportunity for more abuse. Starting now, I will invoke Vulcan self control. A look and a raised eyebrow does wonders.

It's not the fact that he's insecure, but how he handles it. Insecurity can be an excellent tool for someone to open up and be vulnerable. It can lead to more and better intimacy if the person is able to reveal why and how they feel the way they do, granted they have the self-awareness. It's too bad he chooses to act that way towards you. He could do something wonderful with it, and it could potentially bring the two of you closer.

Wishing you two more love in the future. <3

Thanks for the reply. It is encouraging. He is a good man. And a lot of this is the result of the horrific illnesses that afflicted my family. It hasn't been easy for him either. I now this. I love him.

It's because I know that things have happened due to my illness and the illnesses that struck the kids, that I have forgiven much. But when a behavior that is unhelpful starts up, it is my job to nip it in the bud. My family, which includes my husband, is worth the struggle to become well again. And it is my belief, that wellness is coming soon.

I think the more well I become, the better things will be for everyone. That would be true for any family with ill family members.

Besides, despite all of this, we have
1. Taken some great family vacations
2. Started to update the house
3. I got some posters accepted in conferences
4. One of my children so far, has graduated from college, but two out of the four so far have landed professional computer programming jobs.
5. My daughters are doing well in school.
6. The house is a little bit cleaner on the inside.
7. My husband still sails.

We'll work on it and keep making our lives better so that all of our memories are good ones. I'm tired of living under a dark cloud of whatever this is. One thing I found out, I really was important to my kids well being. When I went to pieces, so did they in one way or another.
They have worked hard to salvage what they could and I am continuing to work hard to get better and put their lives on an even better footing. In some ways, they are doing better than they did because of their own work.

I personally am of the philosophy of never give up. And make the world a better place starting with one's own home and family. I am working hard to make sure that is still the path I do in practice. Now if I could just figure out how to stop getting robbed through guilt when I go downtown. Hmmmm

Your last line:

Now if I could just figure out how to stop getting robbed through guilt when I go downtown.

Really resonates with me.

Someone else has written about choosing to be a victim. Charity for me is to know what risks to take, and to trust myself. I assume you are talking about giving charity to the homeless.

My answer for that is to come up with a budget for "random acts of kindness". Since the acts are random you give up any expectation for them. Since the acts are kind, they can be unsolicited or not ... It is YOUR intuition that makes them KIND.

I have been disappointed by people when I have had expectations, but I do not regret any of the kindnesses I have performed. In fact as I grow older people begin to tell me stories of things I have done for them, around them, that I don't remember. My depression comes from my expectations, my hope comes from the fact that my kindness has reverberated without my control.

I talk with homeless people, and I have bought them food, but I rarely do anything that is prompted, because I see it as an invitation to join someone in there dysfunction instead of trying to find my own way.