Lonewolf

[RedKovu]

God where do I begin? Maybe I should explain myself first considering this is My Story If you can make it to the end, I applaud you..

My name, I will not say of course but Feel free to Call me Red. I'm a 15 year old girl who's amazingly talented with Arts and creativity. My smarts, not so much.. I'm a mixed child 50 White, and 50 Asian yet for some reason everyone likes to pretend I'm fully and I'm often made fun of because of it. Stupid stereotypical jokes like "Did you eat your cat" or the typical "Ling ling" nickname. Even the stupid accents get involved with these jokes and I gotta end up laughing them off... Anyways My parents are divorced and i'm currently living with my Mother and her husband. Notice how I said "Her husband" because I don't like to claim him as "Step-father" and I'll get into that a bit later. I'm the oldest of 5 (Including myself) and the order is from oldest to youngest goes Ashley, Annabel, Aaron, and Sophia and Sophia is the half-sister. Their personalities will also be explained later in my story... Ill have the areas split where you guys can just quickly skip around and figure out what you actually want to read if you believe its worth your time. My personality is hard to figure for myself.. Im a master of disguise as you could say. I go to school grinning and smiling, laughing and joking. Acting like everything is Okay but really deep inside I rather end it all. I take it out on myself alot, No not cutting but more like slapping and punching myself. Looking in the mirror and insulting myself while staring directly into my soul... My coping methods weren't all good either. My family is very ignorant when my problems rise. My mom will just ignore me, she'll read my stuff but threaten to send me to a youth shelter or call the Police, which she has done 3 times in a row. And Yeah I nearly got tazed by one of them for just standing there. Everyone else will do the same, because I don't matter in the family. As long as they are happy they could care less if I were miserable, suicidal, depressed the only time they care is if I get in their way and when I do I get the cops called on me. This is current, and again the way Im coping it is never good. I've been drinking nonstop monsters in the way mornings such as 2am-4am, Talking to adults I met Online on like Whisper, and lastly I've been trying to forget my problems by completing sexual urges... That kind of stuff is beginning to ware off and now I'm thinking about moving onto drugs and Alcohol though I promised myself I wouldn't dare to, I feel like its the only way I can satisfy myself. Nobody cares for me, my family wants me to fail, and I can't kill myself so I just rather torture myself you know? I can never be that "pretty" girl, I will never be the smart one, I cant even be the talented one because someone always beats me to it. Im not very good at competitions either... I have no real friends, the friends I "Hang out with.." often ignore me.

Title: My biological father was a sex offender.
Notice how I said was for a reason, He was taken off the list years ago but way back when I was just an infant he got into trouble with the police for pedophilia chargers. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the "How to catch a predator" show on Dateline but that's basically what he fell into. He was put on the registry and kept on there for 11 years and I grew up not knowing what it meant. When I was 6 I remember my parents arguing in the car in a Walmart parking lot about "What if Red's friends look you up and find out you're a sex offender?" My real dad attempted to calm her down and he went into the store while me and my mom waited in the car. I continuously asked her "What is that?" because I was young, Sex was a naughty word, why would I say that? I vowed to myself that I would look it up and find out what was so secret. later when I was 9 I discovered the internet and on my free time it came to me.. I looked it up and saw his mugshots. I did confront my mom about it and I was furious on why she never told me. How it pairs to my current situation? Well This happened last year but it still haunts me because there are people that still ask me about it. My father worked for a business that goes into abandon houses and takes photos of them, selling whatever left, etc. Not sure what it was. He took his SUV that had a giant sign of his own lawn care business which stood on the outside of the place. A troublesome person wanted to start things with us. The lady posted on facebook that he was "Taking a picture of their kids" when he was nowhere near their house. The facebook post went viral in hours, someone looked up my fathers old record and then attached it to the post. It then spiralled even more out of control where the whole city was on a rage looking for him. They posted his address and everything. Note that my other young siblings live with him. Eventually the post got taken down by the police because we called them due to the fact they were spreading false information everywhere, and the guy that started it got arrested. Yet it still haunts me due to the fact that He has such a "Different" last name that I hold and people automatically see me as the child of a pedophile... Nice label hmm?

Title: How school goes for me
School could be a place to escape but it can also be a nightmare from hell. I have my good days and I have my bad days and often my bad days will overrule my good ones. Lets start off with my social life, Relationships have not ever been a goal I care about yet I always seem to fall in love with a guy. Though the ones I've dated really hurt me. My first love cheated on me with 4 other girls, my 2nd love was very sexist and called me a "Bitch" often when we wanted to show off to his friends. He only talked about his truck and never try to involve me in his conversations... my third love dumped me because he was gay, my fourth nearly Raped me in his MOTHERS VEHICLE during our FIRST DATE! To make things simple, I always gave a chance and its always been destroyed. I'm not a popular person, Im a Lonewolf. I often jump from group to group trying to fit in, I know a variety of people but none of them would really consider hanging out with me. I'm often excluded from group chats because they're talking about something I don't understand, or they never tell me anything and discuss it later. I don't get invited to do fun events with them like purge for halloween or bonfires... When Im sad nobody cares, I sit in silence while I eat my food and stare at the plate. The crowds I tend to sit in are usually not popular kids. They're like the Tumblr kids basically, not that anything is wrong with tumblr kids but we all generally know most of them are not so popular on the social ladder at school. Its those guys or I end up hanging out with the druggies and hipsters. They all still ignore me though. I have no emotional support or a sense of belonging when at school...

Title: Being at Home
Being at home doesn't make anything better, I come home to attitudes from my Mom, from her husband, even from the child. They can be screaming or one of them is angry. Her husband has severe anger issues and My mom always picks a bone with someone. Sophia is a child who wants what she wants and wants it now. The couple will always try to look good for the media but behind the doors they scream or yell or yank around each other. I hide in my room almost all the time and nobody checks on me. Theres so many things I asked my mom to do but she doesn't do them. 1 on 1 time, I asked for that and she declined saying she doesn't have time for that. I asked for her to help me fill out a job application and she said "Later" and its been 4 months. I asked her about college and she told me to do the research myself when I know absolutely nothing about colleges, I don't understands majors and that stuff because nobody taught me. I just recently started learning when I got into highschool and still am. I asked what job I should career in and she ignored me... When Im upset i stay in my room and cry myself to sleep... I often use my animals as a way to feel loved... Recently we found out my sister is allergic to cats so we had to get rid of all of them. I raised them all and my heart is shattered! I want a dog but they procrastinate it all the time... I had a dog named Roxy but my dad broke her of being a "Good dog" and now shes completely out of control. I cry myself to sleep once more and this time with no hope, no emotional support. I had Roxy for awhile, I always took her outside, I trained her to do tricks, I did so many things. The flaws that got me the most were that she was completely out of control when another dog was around, squirrel, rabbit, cat, etc. And She always broke out of her kennel and destroyed the house and garbage. I had to give her back because of these reasons.. She was my buddy though and now Im without any support. Without any of these distractions now Im even 2x as focused on myself. I started focusing on my flaws because life wants to go ahead and screw everything up. A Huge flaw is my teeth...

Title: A Childs nighmare, The Dentist
Yes, Everyone is scared of The Dentist or at least most. Ever since I was young I always had some pretty messed up teeth. Cavities and Fillings mostly. As I gotten older these teeth began overcrowd and bend around. When I was living with my dad he never educated me about brushing my teeth so as I gotten older I forgot to do it and now my two front teeth suffer from decay. My other tooth nearby is chipped, and there is a gap between my two front teeth. My bottom are mostly fine its my top that are the worst and to make matters worse they are super visible whenever I speak making me never want to smile or even talk. A teachers young kid about the same age as my baby brother Aaron (7) likes to call me Candy mouth for that reason. How embarrassing?! A highschooler tormented by a child, given the nickname Candy mouth? The most embarrassing part is that it is true.. I always wanted to get my teeth fixed, I've cried over it too. I've beg my mom to get me into the dentistry and we have visited. They kept sending me place to place to place, we've been to about 5 different dentist. I needed an operation done but that included getting needles in my mouth.. The biggest thing about this is I have a NEEDLE PHOBIA and If you don't know what it is it's basically extreme fear of needles. I don't even like saying the name, i can't see a video, I can't see a image, Even fake cartoon ones make me cringe and cry. I throw out the fake toy needles that come in those fake toy kids that my sisters like to get because It bothers me so bad. Thinking of it makes me cry and that's because when I was young I was traumatized by them. In order to get my teeth fixed I have to go clear out on a 3 hour trip to get there and right now they're all full and booked making me live with the condition of embarrassment longer. Makes me cry every time cause I cant watch myself speak. This was another down in like, a physical, visible flaw that disgusts not just myself but the people around because they believe I don't take care of my teeth.....

A few more problems that I will come back and discuss later in this is:
- Who I thought was "My BEST friend"
- Emotional Support dog?
- How poor I am...
- Sister joins the household and ruins everything.

The most thing I ever look forward to my life if I still continue to live is that I want a German-Shepherd Dog... I've wanted those all my life, Puppy or adult... I mostly wanted an Adult because people favor puppies all the time. I'm currently looking at a more affordable one but I cannot come up with 450 dollars the time...I cried night after night praying to god that just a miracle would happen for me to get this dog.. Hopefully he answers soon.