Depression Understood Forums

So I really don't know where to begin. I mean I'm new here obviously and well I've never expressed my feelings or thoughts about my depression to anyone except my doctors. My parents have heard very little and my girlfriend even less. I've never actually talked to anyone who goes through the same problems and understands why things like "just force yourself to do things" etc doesn't always work.

I've been sad/depressed/hopeless/empty and suicidal for 10+ years now. It seems like even longer when you go through it. I've had bad weeks and good weeks just like everyone else.

I've always somewhat liked being alone. I had more then enough friends throughout my life. I put a mask on and most of them didn't realize how messed up I actually was. Unfortunately I pushed away most if not all of them (you can only make up so many excuses to not go out before people stop caring/asking.)

Anyways skipping over all the other boring stuff. I went the medication route to try to solve these problems. I've been on pretty much everything doctors could think of to put me on. It seems to work for about a month and then I'll be right back where I started or most of the time even worse then before. I don't work anymore ( for over 5 years now) because I would breakdown at work and start crying for no reason. It happened multiple times.

Anyways things are feeling pretty hopeless yet again (new meds not working/ no one seems to care or have time to anymore.) Everything has started to break in my life all at once (car, computer etc). Which of course I can't replace any of it because I'm on disability and barely make enough to live. My parents are getting up there in years and pretty much the only reason I've survived up until this point. I can't think of what my death would do to them so I've hung on with that thought alone.

It all seems to be spiraling away from me as it normally does. But with a lack of good routes to help me (really no more meds to try.) I've turned to maybe venting/talking to people who understand what I'm going through to see if it calms me.

Anyways any comments are helpful even if its just to say you understand. It seems to help to know that your not the only one out there going through the hell that is depression.

I really cant even imagine what you are going through. I guess I still have that bubble around me. going to school. you know.

honestly. I don't know if I can tell you anything that you haven't yet tried. but I suggest go off the meds. ive never been on them. ive not told my parents anything either. so this is just an opinion not anything else.

go off the meds. they mess up your brain. try to face your demons head first. its hard. and I'm a hypocrite for giving an advice I can hardly take myself. but I will anyway in hopes it will help you

try to find things that make you at least a bit happy. in terms of work. look online. there are jobs you can do without having to go into a working environment.

find something you enjoy doing and do it. I'm guessing you have never done anything extreme. try it. try bungee jumping. it may be an extreme thing. but some have said it helped them go through a change. it gave them a thrill that made them want to live. energy

try

the point is to try. if you think you've tried everything. youre wrong. there is a whole world out there. I doubt you tried every meal. I doubt you tried every costume. I doubt you've met every person. I doubt you've heard every joke or watched every cool movie.

so try.
try to live rather than survive. it may be hard. but as long as you try hard enough it will be the journey to happiness that will be more fun than accomplishing it. no one is gonna be happy all the time. if we where wed never appreciate it. so cherish every moment you get.

hey, "ghost," I just joined today, and typing replies is helping me "keep my head above water." I've been resisting "the pull" for FIFTY YEARS now, since I was 12--that's when I firast wanted to die, and my folks yelled at me to "stop doing this to us--SNAP OUT OF IT!"--real helpful..I HAVE kept trying, all these years, and I've had shrinks tell me I'm actually very STRONG, or I'd be dead already--like the kid in film "Dead Poets' Society"--that was MY life, except they didn't specify I had to be a doctor!--I know that if I DID end it, no one would react the way we probably "all" wish, they wouldn't be sad, devastated, they wouldn't try to be kinder much beyond maybe the firsdt week--they'd scorn me, (AGAIN), so it makes me hesitate--
I do NOT want to "chew you out," tell you to be positive, hang in there, because when I get told that, it makes me feel like a worse "failure," "weak," "not 'normal'," etc..maybe the toughest thing, that only people like "us" would understand, is that the HARDEST thing is to stay alive precisely when you CAN'T find a reason to do just that--that's all
I can cling to this afternoon, maybe it can help you--

hey, "ghost," I just joined today, and typing replies is helping me "keep my head above water." I've been resisting "the pull" for FIFTY YEARS now, since I was 12--that's when I firast wanted to die, and my folks yelled at me to "stop doing this to us--SNAP OUT OF IT!"--real helpful..I HAVE kept trying, all these years, and I've had shrinks tell me I'm actually very STRONG, or I'd be dead already--like the kid in film "Dead Poets' Society"--that was MY life, except they didn't specify I had to be a doctor!--I know that if I DID end it, no one would react the way we probably "all" wish, they wouldn't be sad, devastated, they wouldn't try to be kinder much beyond maybe the firsdt week--they'd scorn me, (AGAIN), so it makes me hesitate--
I do NOT want to "chew you out," tell you to be positive, hang in there, because when I get told that, it makes me feel like a worse "failure," "weak," "not 'normal'," etc..maybe the toughest thing, that only people like "us" would understand, is that the HARDEST thing is to stay alive precisely when you CAN'T find a reason to do just that--that's all
I can cling to this afternoon, maybe it can help you--

Thx for sharing your story.