Confused and Alone

[danny1039]

I have never really done this before but I am feeling so lost and without guidance that I have realized that I need to reach out for some help.

I am a 24 year old woman and I moved out of state with my best friend while she is finishing grad school. I thought that starting a new chapter and a new life with my best friend would be fun and would also be exactly what I needed to help ease my anxiety and teach me ways to cope with my depression since my home life was filled with both while living with my parents and brother. However I am finding now that it doesn't matter where I go, everything seems to follow and continues to get worse. I miss my family like crazy, I still haven't been able to make friends, and my room mate (who I love to death) never wants to get out of the apartment and do anything. I do the same thing everyday and I feel my motivation, drive, and just over all happiness is just slipping away from me.

I know that I could go out and try to change up the routine however I just don't ever have any motivation anymore. I would love to make many changes in my life however for some stupid reason I just can't get myself to get out and change things in my own life. As stupid as this all sounds I just feel like my mind and spirit are just stuck in purgatory and I can't figure out how to get out and break the chains that are holding me down. My anxiety attacks have dramatically increased and it is even worse when I am at work. (I am a hair dresser) I cry just about everyday and it comes on suddenly and some days I can't even control it. The worst part that I am deeply ashamed to admit is the fact that the only time that I can even feel some kind of fake happiness is when I am not sober. (Nothing illegal) That happens every night.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. My room mate who also is my best friend doesn't really understand and I just don't feel comfortable talking to her about this. (she keeps her emotions bottled up) I have lost all contact with friends, my family has their own problems going on and I just don't feel comfortable talking to them about it either.

I feel like all I am doing is just standing on the outside looking in at the world. I am an extremely shy person and even though I am a hairdresser and have mastered the art of small talk with clients, when it comes to actually talking to another person when they are not in my chair, or meeting some one new, I completely freeze and become very quiet. It is really hard to explain and I know that it makes no sense but that is how it happens. I am very afraid of getting to know people I do have trust issues especially with men. (Not to be sexist, I dated a bad guy for almost two years) I know that is hindering me with making new friends.

Finally, I constantly think about my childhood. It wasn't perfect (no one's is) but it was perfect for me. I had a blast when I was a kid and always looked forward to what would happen in my life. Now all I want to do is just go back and stay there forever and the fact that I can't makes me even more upset. I sometimes feel like I can't even deal with life. (not that I am suicidal) I don't know how to make myself happy anymore, how to look forward to anything, or just how to be happy. I feel completely sad and retracted from life most days, then on other days I literally can't feel anything which is even worse.

Thanks to everyone who read my long post, any advice would be so helpful for me right now.