Depression Understood Forums

so I'm new to this, but I feel it's time to open up. I'm not expecting advice or anything, I just want to get all this bad stuff out.
What I mean by fear isn't the superficial "haha yeah my mom is so scary" thing. I'm talking school bully fear inspiring here. Everyday I'm in constant fear that she'll lash out at me if I don't do enough. I usually don't want to leave my room because I don't want to run into her, but at the same time I'm scared to sit in my room all day because she might com up and scream at me for not spending time with her. This has happened before. I had projects to work on so I said no, I won't be watching a movie with them (my mom, my step-dad, and my half sister), and also the movie was Frozen, specifically chosen for my little sister. So then my mom comes up to my room and screams at me and makes the entire situation about herself. Once she left she came back 2 minutes later being all nice and sweet and apologizing (sort of) and again making it about herself and couldn't understand why I looked sad. There's only so much of this behavior I can take before I break and go into that depressing hole where I don't even have the strength to get out of bed. I go on feeling worthless, like I can't do anything right, that's why no one cares about me, I'm just a burden. Nothing matters. But of course I find a way to force myself to at least just look normal or else my mother might get upset if she sees me being depressed, because it might just be on one of those days where she'll lash out and go on about how she can't deal with this (this being my sadness). I recall occasions where she would tell me she's going to hit me if I cry. I could go on for ages, but this seems really long already, and it's a start. Again, I'm mainly doing this to write out all the bad stuff and not keep it cropped up inside anymore.

To be honest your mother sounds normal, but that's just my opinion. Also if it makes you feel better my mother was a literal hell on earth for me. She abused me when I was a kid, which got me a first class ticket to a foster home for a year and once I got back home the physical abuse stopped and the emotional abuse began. Me and her would get in arguments and get into fist fights all the time when I as a teenager but once I became an adult all of that stopped but now we just argue all of the time, we can't even be in the same room together for more then 5 minutes without getting into an argument. So be glad that your mother isn't like that, and hopefully you hearing about how crazy my mom is that it'll show you how lucky you are to have yours. Just keep in mind that things could always be worse and if that doesn't help you could always just go to her maturely and tell her how you feel, if you're mature about it I'm sure she'll hear you out.

Good luck!😊