Depression Understood Forums

I could never say these things in the depression chats, so I hope you all will bear with me and just let me get it out.
My situation is not improving. If anything it feels like it is getting worse. I notice a pattern. If something good happens for me, I get triple in bad things.
Good thing...I helped clean up an apartment in my building and in return I got to keep some furniture left behind by the old tenant.
Bad things....I am now nauseated 24/7. I feel like I want to get sick all the time.
I have another cold with a nasty cough, and an almost round the clock headache.
My IBS has gone from bad to worse. I am almost literally a prisoner in my own home because of it. I have two appointments I CANNOT miss this week. One for a mammogram, and another to get papers filled out for continued disability.
How the HELL am I supposed to go to these appointments when I have no idea what my stomach is going to do?
The suicidal thoughts are back. I have found a fairly easy way to die. Just open both windows in my bedroom and lay down. It is brutally cold where I live, and I would freeze to death within hours. I don't do it because my daughter would be the one to find me, and I cannot have that.
I have had no closure with my ex. The one who sexually assaulted my sister in law, cheated, and emotionally abused me for 13 years. I had to see him a few days ago, and I wanted to scream at him and hit him. I did not because I am better than that. Also, I would have gone to jail for sure, I am much stronger than he is.
I lay awake at night worrying that I will be homeless. After the way I had to leave my last job, I am so afraid no one will hire me now. I have thought about going back to school, but I am too old. Plus, with the depression and the bowels I am not even hireable right now. I would have to work from home and those jobs are really hard to find.
I have been thinking about getting drunk for the first time in over 21 years. I am taking it minute by minute some days. For this moment I choose to be SOBER, but sometimes it is really hard.
Because of what happened when I first joined AA, I am reluctant to go back, so I rely on other means to stay sober.
I am losing my sanity, losing my health, and afraid of losing it all.
I am terrified of finding out what is wrong with me health wise, but I need to know. What if I have cancer?
I am sorry this is so long. I just needed to get it out. And like I said, In could never say any of this in chat. No one would want to talk to me.
Thanks for letting me ramble.

Please dont asume the worse before it happens! You seem to be going the right way about things as u mentioned u havent touched driink since 21 years a go, ur not with ur ex anymore because u realised what he has done to u and ur family physically and mentally, getting help with ur problems which takes courage alot and ur putting ur daughter first in everything u do and ur doing this for her by staying strong and postive. Also going back to ur ex, I know hes no longer in ur life but is he still seeing his daughter? Is he providing u with child care support?

Im surprised u havent noticed what kind of strong, willing, determined and down to earth person u are. Those are all good things to have in a person and I know someone would be very happy to have u and it maybe u just need to build that trust up again. This is also good for employers to take notice as these qualites are good for a person who is willing to work or wants to do something with their lives. You are that person and it maybe u need help to look for sutiable employment for the long run when ur fit to work again.

I know u want whats best for u and ur daughter and thats good for u to want that and not repeat the past again but its about staying on the right side of the board for u to continúe progresing which u are. This doesnt happen over night but its important that u do attend those appointments as I know want this IBS problem to go away. Im not sure how this occured but I can relate as I may have a bit of IBS and its not nice. Sometimes u have to stay away from foods which dont agree with u for u to not have to use the toilet all the time. Im ok now but yesterday I had it really bad and I dont know what it is. Have u had any advice on what i can do to prevent this getting worse? Maybe u could have a food diary with u all the time to write down what u have had and wether u feel good, ok or bad. Hopefully u will see what foods are making it worse. Whst do u think? Are u suffering with any form of Depression or Anxiety? If as stated above ate u getting any support for this? Is anything helping?

You do want to confide in ur doctor about this because their job is to make sure ur recivering well and ur not going backwards but forwards so when u next see the doctor then please let them know about this. Im not sure if it is a doctor or some other related health worker u see through u do need to be honest about wether the treatment ur recieving is working or not. Please dont asume that ur gonna get worse and that being Cancer u cant think that way. You need to keep postive knowing ur thinking wise and for that being said ur health wouldnt get any worse so u need to be be around postive energy right now.

Are u on any types of medication for the IBS or are u getting sort of provision for it? Hopefully u are recieving some long term help in order to recover. Is anything u doing at home helping u with this? Excerises or realistic thoughts ur practicing on? Any of the two are good ways for ur self esteem.

I know u want to do this for ur daughter and thats what u need to focus on so that is a really good of self motivation for u. I see ur with daughter 24/7 and u dont want her to know ur suffering inside but she knows ur her mum and wont think any different of u. I know she will see that ur trying to change for the better. Must be a stressful job as a full time mum looking after ur son or daughter and must be rewarding aswell as u have someone in ur life who u think dearly of. Cherish those moments forever as memorys can ost a life time.

Spend time with ur daughter two. Whenever u have change go and see a film with her or go out for a meal and spemd some mother and daughter time. I think u both would really appreciate it and will give u a break. Can just be u and ur daughter and no one else. Take a break from everything and enjoy urself. Ask her how her day was at school? If she wants to go cinema this weekend? Etc. Those little things can make a big difference and Im notvsaying u dont do that anyway but I think sometimes we can all be wrapped up in our thoughts and dont mean to ignore others but we tend to do. Try that next time and see if those thoughts are still on ur mind.

I wish u luck with ur treatment and the support ur getting else where and remember this site is here to listen and help u and know that ur not on ur own as someone can relate to u. Spend time with those people who care and not those who dont.

Stay Strong!

Hi Shybugg..

Good thing that you've come to this site and let your thoughts get out. People here do listen and help.

I would just like to share my experience and thoughts, hope it could help you in some ways.

I was an alcoholic few years ago. I drank a lot almost every single day, I would just stop when I passed out. I had been depressed and stressed because I was struggling from many problems and I thought drinking was the only solution. It made it to the point that I almost lost my job. I terribly felt lost and lonely. But I just realized that I couldn't live like that all my life, I should do something about it. So I visited some forums like this and many people had been saying that I would need a professional to help me with my depression and addiction. So I have gone through a lot of meetings, and ended up going to rehab center. And thankfully I have been sober for 3 years and still doing the best that I can to never go back to the person I was before. So if you feel you couldn't make it on your own and you need help to cope with your problems, you could always come to us, we will support you, and you could also seek for any professional help, have a counselor, go to AA meetings, or go to a rehab center, surely it will help you a lot. Just FYI, I've found a site while I was browsing, which could help you, Alcohol Addiction Center Elk Grove CA.
I hope you could cope with your problems, and as long as you stay strong, I know you could. We're here for you, don't forget to share any thoughts you have. Cheers!