Trying to open up

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Jan 07, 2015 2:47 am

Trying to open up

Postby Melibellz13117 » Wed Jan 07, 2015 4:02 am

I'm new to this group. I came here hoping to find some extra help.... I guess I will share my story..
I am 21 years old. I am married and I have the most beautiful daughter who is now 8 months old. However, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD. In the last couple months my problems have gotten so much worse and I feel close to rock bottom. I am a full time mom, I work part time in an accounting job, and I am enrolled in college. I have a very full plate. My husband works 12 hours a day 5 and 6 days a week so he is not home very much. Even though I spend almost every day at my parent's house working, I feel very alone.
When I was 20 I suffered through a very traumatic experience... I was raped. I've just now begun to accept that fact and try to start dealing with it. I'm not really sure how to start though. I always try to push it into the back of my mind, but it's just been coming to the front. The guy keeps trying to contact me and my family and it is disrupting my life. I've never gone to the police for it.. I guess I just feel ashamed. My family has tried to help me but they can't really do anything for me until I do something for myself. I am in therapy too, which I think has helped a lot. I'm also on an anti-depressant.
When I gave birth to my daughter, I had to have a C-Section. My post-partum got so bad that I had to immediately get help. The worst of it went away after a couple of months, but the last two months or so I can feel my self slipping away into a darkness. I also suffer from extreme anxiety and paranoia. I can't stand to be alone, especially at night. I always feel like people are out to get me and I'm terrified that someone will hurt me again or even worse, hurt my daughter. I live in fear everyday. I am terrified of the dark so I always have a light on. Even when I sleep... I keep the tv on and the noise turned down low just so I can still hear it. There's some other silly things that I worry about a lot, even though I know they are completely unrealistic. I am absolutely horrified of spiders and zombies. Sometimes when I can I laugh at myself for being so afraid. Especially zombies cuz they aren't even real. I even love zombie movies. But I have nightmares every night and if I dream about zombies then I can't ever get back to sleep... same with spiders.
I'm so sleep deprived because I have nightmares to much and they are so vivid and real... I feel dazed when I wake up and it always takes me a minute to realize that it was a dream. But I can't get back to sleep. And when I do actually sleep, I never feel rested. Even when I get a full 8 hours. I feel like I only got 2 hours. I don't know how to help that... Some times I will drink herbal tea before bed to help me relax.
My life has gotten incredibly stressful lately... I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (a chronic pain condition) a few years ago and I am still trying to deal with that and figure out what works for me... I also have an autoimmune disorder, but so far undiagnosed because my doctors say I don't have enough symptoms... It's incredibly frustrating. I have a long family history of Lupus, Chrons, Cancer, Arthritis, Heart disease, and so many other problems. My husband was just very recently diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disorder as well. He has Ankylosing Spondylitis so now we are trying to figure out how to help him with his treatment.
All this piled on with work and school and full time mommy is just making me feel so drained. I think the only reason I even get out of bed anymore is because of my daughter. She is the only thing that makes me feel happy anymore. She's like a little sun in my darkness.
I want to get better for her, for me, and for my family. I love my family so much and I don't want to keep living like this. My therapist has suggested that I find someone to talk to, but I have a really hard time opening up and actually talking about my issues... I thought if I could just write some of it down and share it with people who are going through similar things that it might help. I hope that I can find someone to talk to through here...
so... that's the majority of my situation I think... I feel drained and worthless, and I hate that feeling. I want to feel happy again...

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Joined: Thu Dec 11, 2014 5:17 am

Postby jvincent » Wed Jan 07, 2015 8:47 am

This is a hard story to read.
I know how the lack of sleep messes with your mind and makes everything harder to deal with. I don't know that situation but what I have been told is I must deal with the reason for the nightmares first. It sounds like you have been dealing with it much longer than I have and the reason for your nightmares is still very real and still haunting your life.
The only things I seem to be good at nowadays is staying awake for days, having panic attacks and hearing things that are not there. so i try not to give advice. But if I were you, I would deal with the cause of the nightmares, for the sake of your sanity, and its impact on your daughter.
There are many places that give free counseling and advice.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Jan 07, 2015 2:47 am

Thank you

Postby Melibellz13117 » Wed Jan 07, 2015 5:56 pm

I'm glad I've had a response. I am currently in therapy and trying to figure out the cause of my nightmares. My therapists believes it stems from the trauma I've been through so recently. Although I did have them before that, it didn't get worse until now. I am still trying to deal with my paranoia and everything that comes with it. It's getting to the point where I'm afraid to go to sleep. I end up staying up until 5 am when my husband comes home.
I hope you can find a way to help yourself with your sleep problems as well. I know the difficulty of fear of panic attacks. It gets so overwhelming. Thank you for your response...

Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Postby 100footpole » Fri Jan 09, 2015 1:13 pm


Please keep telling us how its going.

Sometimes I don't reply because my answers always sound the same to me.

We are looking for the "specific answer", but it only comes to us in pieces. In my experience your therapist will help. My first one hated drugs, but that was what I needed. He did teach me some relaxation techniques that I have been able to use, but at the time they didn't seem like enough.

Remember you are in charge, and writing helps you remember what works and what doesn't.

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