I've hit ROCK BOTTOM!

[msross67]

I have hit absolute “ROCK BOTTOM”
Hello all. I am a new Member, and believe that due to some recent circumstances, I am suffering from Depression, Anxiety, and possible PTSD.
I will try and keep my backstory as short as I possibly can, so here goes:
I was married in 2004. Over the Moon Happy!! Soon after the marriage, my New Husband and I relocated out of State for his Job (Professional Athlete). We both wanted to have a child, and we were blessed to find out we were expecting immediately after Marriage. Life was wonderful in the new city, my 13 Year old from a previous Marriage was happy, all was well. Until…I found evidence of infidelity on a phone bill that came in the mail. Confronted Husband, he told me it was a long lost friend from college, I believed him.
Strike 2……6 Months after baby is born: While on the computer one night, I find more evidence of cheating…an open chat, and e-mails. The chat happened the night after I delivered our baby girl, and was still in the Hospital. I file for Divorce. I send him the papers while he’s on the Road, move my baby girl, and oldest girl out of State. Husband calls constantly, begs and pleads, saying he doesn’t want to lose his Family, and wants to go to Counseling. I stop the Divorce process, we go to counseling. I inform him that his 3rd strike is his last.
Strike 3…..7th Year of Marriage, another phone bill comes in the Mail with evidence of Cheating. No talking, no crying…..I file for Divorce, and I leave him.
The problem is that I am SOOOO ANGRY!! I have SO MUCH DISPLACED ANGER toward him and what he did to our lives, that it is affecting my day to day moods. It has been almost 3 Years since the Divorce, but everytime I see him, it’s a constant reminder of the 8 Years of lies and deceit!! I cannot stand to hear his voice when he calls to talk to our Daughter.
I am reminded that I lived 8 years of a LIE….running our household alone, running our business alone, and pretty much caring for our child (ALONE), while he was out on the road, being unfaithful!! I put off finishing MY College DEGREE, so that he could finish HIS.
After the Divorce, I moved around the corner from our old home. I wanted to keep our Daughter in her Neighborhood that she loves so much, so she can stay in the same school, but it’s a struggle financially. I have done NOTHING but struggle, since becoming a Single Parent. He pretty much left me destitute (nothing but what the Law Allowed), and all of this makes me even more angry at him.
To make matters worse, he QUIT HIS JOB VOLUNTARILY! He said he was no longer happy with a Sports Career, so he quit. When he quit, my Daughter’s Health insurance went goodbye as well. The Job I was able to get after being out of the Workforce (and with no College Degree) did not offer benefits, so I had to quit to find a Job with Benefits. I now have that Job with Benefits, but I HATE IT!!! I dread coming to work everyday, but it’s the only thing I could find that’s close enough (with benefits). We have no family here, so I am the SOLE caretaker / provider for my Daughter.
I do not have a life for myself outside of providing for my Daughter, caring for her, cleaning, Home Repairs, and shuttling her back and forth to Cheerleading. If you’re wondering why he does not help, He has put his home up for sale, and now lives out of State. He comes back to visit her when he can, maybe once per month.
My Daughter feels abandoned by her Father, and it has now trickled down to being my fault. She is angry at me for being at work all of the time and for her having to be in Day care until 5:30 pm each day. The financial struggle is another issue. With all of the School parties, cheerleading, etc., I now have a MOUNTAIN of Credit Card Debt, and I will be filing Bankruptcy early next Year. I am falling behind on my Mortgage, and pray they do not foreclose. I have gone from an A+ Credit Score, to an F…..I cannot find a decent job, and I feel like a complete failure behind ALL of this.
I feel like this is all my fault somehow, and that if I would have left my ex the very first time, I would be ahead. I have absolutely hit ROCK BOTTOM, and all the joys of life are now gone! There is truly nowhere to go but up from here.

[jvincent]

Reading this really hit me hard. .


Why people are so willing to hurt people that they love I will never know.
My heart goes out to you and your daughters.

[msross67]

Jvincent-

Thank you. I really appreciate that. The worst part about the whole thing is that there was really no "closure" for me. He gave half ass "sorry's", but never a real reason for what he did. Saying I was the perfect wife and Mother, and that none of it had anything to do with me.

The part that pisses me off the most is that he chased me down for 4 YEARS, before I agreed to go out with him. My intuition told me to avoid him that long, then I finally gave in, thinking he was ready for marriage.

Shame on me!!