It all just seems too much.

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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blank_4
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2014 5:06 pm

It all just seems too much.

Postby blank_4 » Tue Nov 18, 2014 6:19 pm

Hi my name is Kay and for the past 10 years or so, I have had this overwhelming feeling of great sadness. I'm not really sure where to start but the beginning seems most logical.

From a young age I've always had something wrong with me, whether it was a common cold or a great big rash covering my face. Whatever the problem, it has always affected me in a big way. I was bullied during primary school quite a lot, and although my mum would come in and talk to my teachers it never really helped. When I went into secondary school, I felt like there was pressure to make friends and be somewhat popular. Popular in the sense that, I would be made a target again. In the first few years it seemed fine, but then people began to see weaknesses in me and made my life feel unbearable. Also in 2005 my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer and this marks the beginning of our faltering relationship. Not once did she ever tell me that she had cancer, if it wasn't for the fact that I came across a book detailing her condition and the obvious physical signs, I wouldn't have known.

This hurt me a lot me because at the time I felt like my mum should have been able to tell me herself that she wasn't well. I remember coming home day after day and seeing my mum with no hair, too weak to talk or even maintain eye contact and a tube coming out of her stomach draining bodily fluids. It was scary and I hated seeing my mum so defenceless. Although she has been in the all clear for years, this memory is something that will forever remain in my mind. This was the time I started to lash out and be a 'rebel', I used to stay out late and I became more interested in boys. I must say in terms of my school work, I managed to maintain good grades but mentally I was damaged. My emotions were all over the place but mainly I felt a sense of defeat and sadness. I began to self-harm and to this day I'm not really sure why I done it but I do know that at the time, I thought it would help. One of my 'close' friends was going through some things as well and she used to self-harm as well. It wasn't something we done together but we could relate to one another. However, I blame her for my act of rebelling, she used to convince me to stay out late and follow her to go see guys. At first I never used to take to the guys she introduced me too but the more time I spent with her, the more confident I'd become. I remember being out with her way past my curfew and ignoring my mums calls and texts. I didn't have my mums support. My mum is not the type of person to show emotion and because of that I have never felt like I could approach her like a daughter should. I suppose I hold some sort of resentment towards her and the fact that she didn't tell me about her illness personally just added fuel to the fire. The only way I knew how to feel was to be around people that would give me attention I thought I needed.

Anyways, I used a lot of social networking sites during secondary school because that as what you do. I used to talk so many different guys from different places and of different ages. I loved it, I loved being told that I was sexy or cute or funny because it made me feel better about myself. At least there are people out there that notices me. Now being 20 years old, I realise the errors in actions but at the time I didn't care, I just didn’t want to feel upset anymore. So by the time I was about 14, I started to think about going to meet some of the people I had been talking to online. I figured as long as my friends knew it would be okay. I was talking to this guy who was much older than me and lived very far from me. I really liked him, he let me express myself and made me feel better after it. Cutting a long story short, shortly after my 15th birthday I agreed to so see him which as over an hour away from where I live. I lied to my mum of course but that day he took my virginity and from that day I believed that sex would the answer to my problems. I never spoke or saw him again after that day but it I started to see more and more guys over the next few years and continued to lie to my mum about where I was. The majority of the time I had sex with them even if it as the first time meeting them. Reflecting back, I used sex as my escape. Being admired and wanted felt good. It made me forget about the negative emotions that would swirl inside me.

Of course this release never lasted long, and when it wore away I'd feel alone, frustrated, sad, angry and everything else. I remember being in bed at night crying my eyes out but silently. I remember going into the bathroom and inflicting pain on my arms to try and change the way I felt. I used to run hot water over my fresh wounds just to feel the sting. I used to hate life so much but I never let anyone close know until one of my teachers saw the cuts on my arm and notified my head of year. She referred me to a unit dedicated to counselling young people. My sessions helped. I opened up about everything and even sometimes my mum and/or sister would join in. It was one whole big catharsis but I still felt empty, because once I left that room I had no one to talk to. My sessions didn't last long though and I can't quite remember why but from that moment I vowed to never show my emotions and I continued to use sex as an aid.

During college nothing changed, I met knew people and formed new relationships but deep down inside I still felt like s**t. By this time, when it came to guys I didn’t particularly care for how they felt about me, I just wanted to have sex and move onto the next challenge. Of course there were guys who wanted me to be their girlfriend but I was interested in that. I have had chlamydia probably around 4 times and a number of urine infections but sex was almost like a drug for me and nothing else would compare. Of course there were people that could see I wasn't happy but I never gave them any reason to know the extent of my unhappiness.

Somehow I managed, to get into uni and I feel like my life is one big mess. I am in a relationship and have been for the past 4 years but it has not been so straight forward. I believe most of my negative feelings derive from this relationship but I can't seem to leave him. Our relationship is incredibly strained. I cheated on him 3 years ago and we broke up for a whole year but got back together. Since then we've had so many issues but slowly we are working on them. At the same time, I'm beginning to feel trapped but if I lose him then I'll truly have no one. My feelings towards him are very much confusing but I can't help the way I feel. My boyfriend has become someone I run from instead of turning to. On top of that, my degree makes me want to curl up into a ball and fall into a deep sleep for a very long time. I no longer like people. I don’t have that many friends, my boyfriend is my only real friend to be honest and my family is not very good with emotional issues. I don't ever go out unless its to see my boyfriend or go uni and even then I struggle to do this. I feel as though it’s every man for themselves and because of my family's values, I have to pretend to be strong and I have to pretend to be coping just fine because this is part of life and I need to do what is expected of me. But truth is, I completely hate uni I hate everything about it but I've made it to my final year so I have to complete it. It's a struggle to wake up and leave my bed. I don't even care for my appearance as much as I used to. I've started to eat a lot of food and mainly for comfort.

I just feel like I'm not really living and I’m not where I want to be in life. But at the same time I don't know what I want or what can make me feel better about myself. My school years were my darkest years and I’m scared of going back to that but I don't know any different so I thought I'd give this a try. Some people might even think that I'm just being silly but if I have this persistent feeling of being depressed. I don't really like to use that word because it would be a self-diagnosis but I study psychology and I am familiar with the symptoms of depression so it does reflect my feelings. Anyways I guess I just want someone to talk to.

I'm sorry for the length and if you actually made it this far THANK YOU for taking the time to read this. I hope someone replies...

Kay.. :(

sunshinebright
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2014 10:03 pm

Read your story Kay

Postby sunshinebright » Thu Dec 04, 2014 10:13 pm

I read your story Kay. I'm sorry that you have been dealing with negative feelings for years. My name is Jennifer. I've been dealing with depression since I was 12 years of age. I am now 29. If you want to talk some more reply back.

100footpole
Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Postby 100footpole » Fri Dec 05, 2014 3:13 pm

Chat groups can be a good place to experiment with ideas too Kay.

blank_4
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2014 5:06 pm

Postby blank_4 » Sun Dec 14, 2014 8:37 pm

Hi Jennifer. Thank you for commenting. Right now i'm sitting alone on the phone to my partner crying because I feel like I dont know what to do with myself. I found myself picking up a pair of scissors and making little scratches on my wrist, not enough to make any cuts but just enough to know that it hurt. It felt like i was slipping into a trance, like it was almost meditating but i know thats not the solution. I dont know what to say to him. He doesn't help in any way just makes me feel worse because the one person im supposed to be able to turn can't help me.

100footpole, hey, I definitely agree just by typing i feel a little bit of relief

100footpole
Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Postby 100footpole » Tue Dec 16, 2014 4:48 pm

Read about Depression Quest game this weekend. Girl wrote a text based game about what depression feels like. You can't make the "obvious choices" and your real choices become more and more limited.

Read about the game because "Gamers" started picking on the girl because they didn't like her text based game ...

Life imitates art. The nice thing about the chat rooms is that people get it. I've had some good PMs and some bad PMs ... but when a PM goes south I just quit and ignore the poster. Simple. Chat is one of the few places where I always think I have some control.


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