Depression Understood Forums

Hello.

I'm Simon and I'm 20 years old.

I believe I have been struggling with some form of mental illness since I was quite young however I have never been diagnosed as having a mental illness because having it on your medical records can restrict your job options. Through looking online I suspect depression, manic depression or bipolar as possibilities.

I believe my depression was caused in my younger years due to my poor upbringing and perhaps genetics. I know it has not been proven that depression is genetic but there is a history in the family.
My father would punish my bad behaviour with violence and didn't stop for years despite not seeing any change in my behaviour. He eventually stopped when I became big enough to fight back which is the worst part.
I believe this was the primary cause.
I met a girl at school in year 10 who I got to know and eventually fell in love with. she didn't feel the same way however and I manage to screw things up so much that she ended up hating me and wanting nothing to do with me.
I haven't spoken to her in years despite wanting to.
For years after this I felt I had nothing left and there was no point in living if I couldn't be with her.
Eventually I decided to join the British Army hoping it would provide an interesting and busy life with little time for regret, sadness and be the perfect distraction from reality.
It was everything I expected and wanted. I had very little time for my old worries and saw a chance for an ok life. Although I knew I would never be truly happy, have kids and get married and all the things I had originally dreamt of I became lost in all the history, glory and pride they throw at you and thought for the career part of my life at lest I would be ok. It was full of weirdo's to so I fit right in and made lots of friends. I was pretty good at it as well and saw the chance for promotion and doing something with my life.
This year I was diagnosed with Addison's disease.
I have to take pills for the rest of my life but as long as I do that I'm fine.
However it means I will be medically discharged after only a years service.
I am due to be discharged on January the 2nd. I have come back home to find a new job and have contacted other military's but so far all of them have said they will not accept me due to my condition.
Life back home is very depressing and I have very few friends and they have very little time for me.

This has plunged me right back in everything I was trying to escape and all I can see now is a dull and lonely life ahead of me which I refuse to live.

I guess I came to this forum because I have some hope still. Maybe one of you will have a brilliant idea for me.

Hi Simon,

There are a lot of career paths that could benefit from the attitudes you have learned in the military, especially the aspects of self discipline and taking leadership of others. Apart from the obvious military style setups like police, there are other careers that could do with your skills: firefighters, head chefs, project managers, paramedics, nurses, orderlies, security, teachers. You are young enough to change professions, I hope you can get financial support for the training period.

You might find that your training and time away has changed your behaviour and approach to girls. If you can see clear steps to your next career, this could pick up your confidence and you could look up this girl and try a gentler approach. Try not to expect anything.

The same goes for friends, once you get confidence your friends will be more interested, and new friends easier to make.

Good luck!

I've thought about many of the jobs you've mentionedat first I thought maybe you were right. Maybe it would be as simple as trying to talk to her again. But I've thought about it some more and I think I was just getting hopeful.
She's disliked me for 6 years and she's with someone she's been with now for 2 years.
It's probably best if I just let her be.

Thanks though.

Hello Simon,

I think you need to let her go, she has moved on and is with someone else now. If you approach her, will that make things better or worse? i personally think if someone is supposed to be in your life then your paths will cross again and if not, then let it be. Start looking forwards not backwards, why let something from 6 years ago hold you back?

Focus your energy on other areas in your life that are important to you, such as your career. Lots of people don't know what they want, even the people who do work dream of another life but are often too busy to think or do anything about it. So you have all this free time to try new things and figure things out. Something you can try out are personality and career tests that you can do online, this can help narrow down your options and find you something suited to the things you like.

If you don't want to go back to your old life then start carving out a new life for yourself. Make new friends, try new things and start moving forward. Don't ever tell yourself you will never be happy, never have a wife and family. If these are things you truly want then you need to get in the habit of thinking that "I will get it" rather than what "I don't have" or "I don't want". No one is telling you that you can't but yourself so why not eliminate those thoughts because they serve no purpose but hold you back. Replace them with "what do i want?", "how can i get it" then go and make it happen. Thinking is the easy part and many people simply stay in the "thinking phase" and never reach the "action phase" that's why things never happen.

Start believing in yourself and make things happen. I hope it all works out x

You're probably right I should leave her alone now but I know ill never let it go I've felt this way for over 6 years so highly doubt it will change. The best I can hope for is a distraction from it.
Maybe she isn't supposed to be in my life but I still want her to be. I don't honestly belive I ever will be happy. What I want is her and to be a soldier. A chance of either of those things is now in the past and impossible. I don't want to just go oh well there's loads of girls that are pretty cool or there are plenty of jobs that are alright. I'm not just going to settle for some one I don't really love and have a family with them and do a job I don't realy like.

I know you guys are only trying to help and I'm sure it's difficult but I can't help what I want and it won't change.

Simon,

All my life I've been working on trying not to see things in black and white. It is tough to know what you want and not be able to get it because of circumstances you cannot control.

The trouble with wisdom, is that we've heard it before ... and start to think that its too simple. I try to keep the serenity saying: "Help me to change the things I can, to accept the things I can't, and to have the wisdom to know the difference." in mind.

Don't give up ... As a soldier you know you don't quit even if you've surrendered. Can you think of what you're doing now as some kind of "survival training"? Basic training was bad ... but after I got out I went through worse, but I always told myself that since I could make it through basic I could make it through this. Being a soldier does give you a sense of mission that you gives you a feeling of control. Looking back I think Basic training lets you find out what to do when your mission goes bad.

At middle age I just keep telling myself that it will work out ... and I believe it because it has before ...

I know what you mean. That soldier mode. It's usefull but it's not the answer to everything. I'm not a soldier any more.
Thanks though.

Simon,

Yes soldier mode is a frame to interpret the events we process. For PTSD it can stink because combat isn't everywhere.

That being said, as a martial artist I try to keep a little bit of soldier mode alive. Took a personality test that asked would I rather have a few close friends or lots of friends. I want lots of close friends. You get that with a sense of mission. The worst part of being out of the military is the lack of sense of mission.

Really annoying when you believe in something ... and people you are working with are just doing a job. From a personal point of view ... my son is turning 25 soon, and he finally seems to be showing a sense of "duty". Doing things for reasons other than money or entertainment.

I am thankful for the few close friends I've made, and its funny that they don't get along. I've had dinner with them together and found that we have trouble making small talk. Biggest instance is that my wife hates my martial arts buddies. No stories in common. Similarly with work friends. Similar with my son ... who gets on MUCH better with his mom.

My answer is to be respectful of others and true to myself. It is possible to derive a mission from those two axioms .

It gets better, but it never gets best.

Hello Simon,

You are right that we can't control what we want, but if like you say it's all in the past and impossible to achieve then you should look at other options. If you can't get what you want then ask yourself what you want instead?

I have dreamt of people I was once very mean to and will wake up feeling rather guilty. It may have been 10 years ago but I will find a way to send them a message and say sorry for the way I treated them. Usually they have forgotten all about it or happily accept my apology, but I feel the weights lifted off my shoulder after doing that. Sometimes you have to go backwards to move forward so if you really can't let go of this girl, then just message her. I don't know what you want from her - to be friends, more than friends or just simply want her not to "hate" you. Go ahead and message her and test the waters to see if she wants to talk to you, at least that way you know where you stand. Do be prepared that she may ignore you, block you, or hate you even more so weigh out the pros and cons before going ahead with it.

Maybe.
Thanks.