im dying and no one cares

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Doogie
Posts: 58
Joined: Wed Jul 23, 2014 9:06 pm

Postby Doogie » Tue Oct 14, 2014 5:12 am

Hey Star,

How are you doing?

EternalLifeAwaits
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Oct 16, 2014 2:13 am

Postby EternalLifeAwaits » Thu Oct 16, 2014 2:35 am

First of all I would like to commend you for coming on here and pouring out your heart. Having dealt with depression addiction and severe OCD for years, I can relate with the pain your experiencing. I can honestly say with all my heart there is hope thru Christ. God has giving me the strength to overcome all of those things by having a relationship with him. This life is but a fragment of what awaits for those who believe in him. Eternal life where there is no mental or physical pain. I now use what I thought was a curse and make it a gift to help others. God Bless!

Subject_Zero
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Joined: Thu Oct 16, 2014 4:10 am

Postby Subject_Zero » Thu Oct 16, 2014 4:32 am

Star,
you are indeed a beautiful person. It's been long since I last met anyone with such a pure and sweet soul as yours. Now I know this sounded like a haunted person was writing but can't help it. I just thought you should know it. Being lonely is tough but don't give up. You have met some jerks online (if I could I would kick their asses) but it doesn't mean all the people around here are like that. There are many great folks who would make great friends and who would love to befriend you. Doogie here is an extraordinary example. I believe deeply that life will have a turn and everything will be positive for you Star. Don't lose hope!

Hugs,
Tiff

100footpole
Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Postby 100footpole » Thu Oct 16, 2014 12:25 pm

I love Star's smile thread.

Its been raining every morning around here. Half of the days it clears off, and I think of Star when there are just wispy clouds in the blue sky, but the pavement is still wet.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Fri Oct 17, 2014 11:11 pm

Hey there Doogie. I'm ok just have a lot on my mind.

Hi there EternalLifeAwaits. Thank you for your response and everything that you said. God bless you too.

And that really means a lot to me what you wrote Tiff Thank you. It's been a rough situation with those " people " I talked to online. I am 99.9 % sure "they" are stealing someone's real identity and pretending to be them. I hope with all my heart to stop them from hurting anyone else and also disrespecting the person they are pretending to be.

I love what you wrote 100footpole. When I read how that made you smile it made me smile too. Thank you very much.

Love and hugs
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun Nov 02, 2014 1:05 am

How are you doing Doogie ??

It's turning really cold here. So cold that I can't sit outside and see the stars anymore. I'll really miss them. I love how they twinkle and sparkle in the darkness. You see a lot of shooting stars at night. When I was a little girl I thought that shooting stars were something magical that only happened once in a very long time , but now I know they happen a lot. You can always see the stars shining through your windows but it's never , ever the same as being outdoors.

My birthday was last month. I'm now the ripe old age of 38 lol. It was nice I guess.....

No it wasn't. Truth is, it was really lonely. I had my family but no friends visited me , no one called to wish me a Happy Birthday. But what else is new ... I'm even starting to get used to the pain I guess. I'm at the point in life where I've hurt so long and have been alone so long I'm growing numb inside.

This place does help though. People like you and Creaker and 100ftpole and everyone else. I'm very glad I found this place and all of you. This place has saved me in more ways than one.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

Doogie
Posts: 58
Joined: Wed Jul 23, 2014 9:06 pm

Postby Doogie » Sun Nov 02, 2014 3:39 pm

Hey Star,

I'm doing ok.

Happy Belated Birthday!

Lol..I'm turning 41 at the end of the year so don't feel bad about 38.

100footpole
Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Postby 100footpole » Sun Nov 02, 2014 5:33 pm

Star,

I've told my friends and family to pick any day to have a party with me except my birthday. I know birthdays are big for some people, and out of respect for them I try to help them celebrate. But, I love surprises, and I love consistency, so an annual celebration simply doesn't work for me. It takes to long to come around to be consistent ... and the best surprise I ever had was when people finally agreed not to mention my birthday :o !

I'm 55 this year, and my wife is 60. Every groundhog day I sneak into her purse to check out her drivers license for her birthday which is a day in Feb. in the 20s. She likes to have me remember, but I get anxious when I focus on the details. Have the same problem with our anniversary.

We've made peace with our differences about keeping track of the calendar. She has accepted the fact that I don't remember dates, phone numbers, or addresses. I've accepted the fact that she can't remember landmarks for years. She is always surprised I can find my way back to somewhere after five years, but can't remember when we were there. :)

It was good to hear from you. Falling stars are magical! Scientifically they are debris from space burning in our atmosphere. But that stuff in space is part of a giant cosmic mechanism that operates deterministically, but unpredictably. The fact that we can only predict the general time that meteor showers will occur ... not how spectacular they will be makes me feel good. There is a surprise in every falling star ... like a fireworks show. You go to the show, but you never know what you'll see.

To mis-quote the Bad Comany song ... We're all shooting stars. Don't you know? We're all just shooting stars. And the world loves us all ...

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Mon Nov 03, 2014 5:59 am

Hey again Doogie. Thank you !! Actually I don't really consider 30's , 40's , 50's even 60's to be old. Once you hit 70 then that's getting up there a little.

It was good to see you too 100footpole. I LOVE that song by the way.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Wed Nov 05, 2014 2:12 am

Can I ask everyone something ? Does anyone ever feel like running away ? Just packing up everything you own and just running. To a place far away from everything you've ever known, a place where hurt can't touch you. A place where people can't lie to you and mislead you. A place safe where you never have to worry about trusting the wrong kind of people ever again.

A place where bad dreams are gone forever. Where loneliness doesn't exist.

Maybe even to a place where it almost seems like you disappear off the face of the earth.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Wed Nov 05, 2014 9:09 am

I don't know how to describe it I guess. I've always said that you can never run away from your own heart because no matter where you go it always beats inside you. But what if you could rebel against your own heart.

Sometimes I get this feeling inside me , it's as strong as the wind that blows through the mountain tops and has a voice as loud as thunder. It pulls on my insides ... a yearning I guess to just run away.

A notion as crazy as can be to just to break free of all the hell I've been going through. To take a big bag and stuff it as full as I can with my belongings and just run and let the wind take me as far and wherever it can take me.

Where I would go , where I would sleep , what I would eat I would leave it up to fate.

Sounds so crazy but sometimes it sounds so good too.

When I was a little girl I would pick flowers from the field and take them down the creek bank to the water and let them go. They would swirl in the ripples and rush over the rocks and the current would take them wherever the flow of water went. I would sit there and watch them until they sailed completely out of sight.

Sometimes I think life is similar to that " flow ". We as humans are at times " swept away" by life's currents.

Last night just after dark I heard the wind blowing outside my window and I opened up just a little to look outside. I love listening to the wind. And I heard the sound of a coyote howl on the hill to the west of me. I could see lights of the nearest town shining way in the distance to the north. It stirred those feelings inside me.

It made me dream of a life with so much less pain , to be so more free.


To almost completely disappear from the world I used to be in.

And get lost forever to a new world left totally up to fate.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Wed Nov 05, 2014 8:29 pm

I'm really sorry for ranting on and on. I guess I just needed to vent.

That memory when I would release the flowers in the water kind of reminds me about about being lonely and depressed. It's a pretty silly comparison I guess though , huh ?

In the summer time here we mow the fields to make up hay for the cows. Most of the beautiful wildflowers get destroyed then. The daisies and Black eyed Susan's and Queen Anne's Lace..... When I was little I would always pick as many as I could and keep them in a vase for as long as they stayed good. I was a " little flower savior" I guess. lol Then when they started to wilt and die I would take them down to the creek and watch them flow away in the current. They would seem to swirl and dance away. It was pretty lame I guess. Everyone says I was too sentimental.. I guess I still am.

Back then it was all in good fun. But sometimes I really do think life can be like the flowers in the current. Only for us it isn't in good fun. Sometimes we can really be lost in the flow of life. All I know is I'm tired of being lost. I don't want to be lost in depressions "current" anymore. I don't want to be afraid of being hurt anymore. I just want to be free.

I know in my heart running away isn't the answer. But sometimes maybe running away can take you to a better place.

Maybe out there somewhere there is a sun that is rising on a whole new place for me. And if I don't run away I will never see it.

Maybe there is another road meant for me to walk on but I will never find it if I stay where I am now.

Here I am rambling again. Sorry.

I just want to say thank you to all of the people that I talked to on this site. You all are really special , beautiful people. I hope you all find every bit of happiness you deserve. And that every dream you have in life comes true.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

100footpole
Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Postby 100footpole » Thu Nov 06, 2014 8:31 am

Star,

A year ago I ranted to a friend of mine in a similar vein. I said "I'm tired. I'm always tired." He said "Then rest."

In a way that sounds stupid because the comments are out of context. I went through a list of crud that was bothering me. After that we had a personal code ... where one of us would say we were tired. The other person would then make time to just listen.

My friend recently left town ... Everything he loved ... for the thing he loved the most ... a girlfriend who had moved.

After he left my circumstances have changed considerably. I hadn't realized how much he helped keep me relaxed. We still talk on the phone, but its different then being in the moment.

Your words "But sometimes I really do think life can be like the flowers in the current. Only for us it isn't in good fun. Sometimes we can really be lost in the flow of life. All I know is I'm tired of being lost. I don't want to be lost in depressions "current" anymore. I don't want to be afraid of being hurt anymore. I just want to be free. "

Rang a bell with me ... but I try to picture myself as the stream rather than flowers. We live longer than a season, but when we're tired the season seems to go on forever. Remember in the spring the flowers always came back.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Thu Nov 06, 2014 10:14 am

Thank you 100footpole, I love everything you wrote and I see what you mean. I do understand.

I have a little secret box where I keep adding bits of money I save. I call it my little treasure chest. It's growing larger and larger. I kinda like to think of it as my wings to freedom.

There are so many things in this world I haven't seen. I have never seen big towns or cities. Never. I want to see the city at night. The shining glow from hundreds and hundreds of lights of all the tall buildings when the sun goes down and the city comes alive.


I want to see the ocean, the deep blue and green color and smell the salt in the air. I'd love to write my name in the sand and see the way the sun looks before it sets over the water.

I want to see highways and roads that twist and turn and go on and on. And people of every color and ethnicity. I really love the all different kinds of people there are in the world.

The world is such a big . beautiful place I want to visit each state and take a small piece of it with me in my heart no matter where else I go.

There is so much about this life I want to learn.

A heart if it's broken badly enough can hold you back from life. So if you get the chance to run , sometimes running is the only option that sets you free.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Mon Jan 05, 2015 1:11 pm

I know it's been awhile since I last wrote anything on here. I've had more on my mind lately than I've ever had my in whole life. The hardest decision to make in life is to stay or disappear. Or to keep going or just totally give up on living.

Something happened to me last night , something I've been dreading for a long time. Something I've been so damn afraid of happening and I hoped with all my heart it wouldn't but it did and now I finally feel like giving up on life.

I won't go into the details of what exactly happened to me " it's a personal situation " but it tore me to pieces.

I've been desperately trying to hold on to life for a long , long time now. I've done everything I can do to keep strong. There were days when I fell flat on my rear end but I kept getting up. There were days when I was broken and bloody but I got back up , but I am just so freaking exhausted and after what happened to me last night I just can't keep getting up anymore. I feel like I can't even go on.

Sometimes even the strongest of warriors fall. Sometimes even the toughest of people cry. You can hold onto something with every ounce of your strength yet sometimes it still slips through your fingers.

I've always said that goodbye is the saddest word in the world ... but that's not totally true. I think sometimes the saddest words in the world are when you hear yourself saying that your hope and faith have been lost forever........
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa


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