im dying and no one cares

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Thu Jan 10, 2019 5:12 pm

Thank you Tom. I really appreciate that.

Things are more difficult than ever here. My niece expects me and my mother to take on the responsibility of handling her son but we can't do that. To be honest he scares me. I don't know what to do anymore. When he is here I go to my bedroom and lock the door because it's the only way I can feel safe. I also take the phone with me in case I need to call someone in an emergency if he goes crazy again.


I feel lost and don't have anywhere in the whole world to turn to at the moment. My biggest fear is he will go crazy again and hurt me or my mom.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue May 07, 2019 1:24 am

Tonight I took one of my many rescue cats outside with me to see the stars. Her name is Chrissie. I know that she most likely couldn't really see them. I don't know if animals can see the stars like people do. But for just one moment I wanted to pretend that she could sit there and watch them with me.

I would love to be able to say that things have gotten better but they haven't …. only worse. Much worse. And right now I'm so tired that I'm becoming numb inside. Dying seems to be the only way out for me.

My nephew got in trouble with the law a couple of days ago and he needed bail money. My niece of course would not pay the bail money to get her son out so who do you think paid the bail. My mother of course. My mother who is already overloaded with stress from my father recently dying and having a stroke herself amongst the many other stresses my niece and nephew have put on her all of this time.


My 76 year old mother has to deal with all of the drama concerning my niece and her son like always.


On the night my mother went to do my nieces job of getting her son out of jail my mother was upset beyond what words could ever describe was crying and extremely exhausted. It was late after dark and raining when my mom took out of our driveway to go to town to pay the bail and in her hurry and because she was upset she accidently ran over and killed one of my outside rescue cats. It's name was Honey.

We never found her body until the next day. She must have stumbled off and went and died behind my fathers old greenhouse.


I do not blame my mother. It was an accident … but it was an accident that never should have freaking happened if my niece had done her job of handling something that involved her own son.


My mother is also 76 years old and is still to this day recovering from a stroke. She should never even been out on the road late at night. ( it was around ten o clock )


And if you want to know the sickest part of this whole thing …. the day that I buried my rescue cat in the ground.... the exact same damn freaking day my niece went off and bought herself an expensive puppy.


She had no money to bail out her own son but she had money to buy herself an expensive puppy barely 24 hours after.


My mind will not let me stop thinking about Honey. Was her death quick ? Did she suffer ? Did she lay there all night long ? Did she wonder where I was and why she was hurting so bad. I can't stand this.


There is so much more than I want to say but tonight I;m just too damn tired.

Prycejosh1987
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Location: Birmingham UK

Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Wed Jun 03, 2020 2:29 pm

JonsDragonEyes wrote:My name is Star just like a star in the night time sky and I am writing this 100% Anonymously

When your afraid to die the first things that go through your mind are the things you will never see again. Your family , your friends , your pets.

You think of all the things in the world that will never come to you again. Watching sunsets , wishing on stars in the night time sky. What it feels like to be hugged, the first time it snows in winter , the taste of your favorite food , and knowing what it feels like to really , truly be safe.

You see , I don't know what it's like to feel totally safe anymore. I've had a lot of physical health problems and a really bad cancer scare awhile back. For now I'm doing a little better but I'm not completely out of the woods yet.

Some people think your stupid for pouring out your heart about your problems online but you know what ??? Sometimes when your all alone and have no other option you really don't have anywhere else to go. And holding something inside you with no one to talk about it with can do so much damage.

I have my parents and they are wonderful but I need friends. Desperately.

Where I live , to me in my heart is the most beautiful place in the world. Way out in the country far away from the lights of the city , away back in the mountains of West Virginia. It is so quiet here you can hear the leaves of the trees softly shake when the wind blows. When I was a little girl my grandfather showed me a Weeping Willow tree. I will always remember the way the beautiful branches and leaves of the tree bent downward almost touching the ground and swayed on even the slightest breath of air. He told me if I listened hard enough when the wind the wind blows the tree makes a soft sound like crying. Till this day I still listen...

In the summer the nights are lit up with the glow of thousands of green flickering lights of the fireflies and the days when the sun shines on fields of orange , white and purple wildflowers the wind makes the grasses blow gently back and forth and mimic the waves on the ocean.

Water flows over rocks in the creeks , deer and rabbits run right through my front yard as if they own it and at night the sound of the coyotes and owls ring out through the hills. In a way it's almost like heaven.

There is only one thing missing. Friends. My parents are the best thing I could ask for. But as much as I love them I still need friends. Everyone does.

I think if someone tells me " your not trying hard enough " I will freaking scream. Because it's not about that. Where I live is a dead end town , there isn't many here and like I said before I live way out in the countryside ... so the closest thing IS the dead end town.

I tried what so many people advise against ... and that is making friends online. But that only turned out to be nothing short of a nightmare for me. At first I thought I found really nice people ... but all they did was end up scaring the hell out of me. When I started questioning their honesty " because I began to suspect they weren't really who they claimed to be " all they did was get nasty with me. They pretty much treated me like dirt. They didn't care how much they scared me , they didn't care how worried I was.


I don't think it's possible to feel more alone than I do right now. Because of my " physical " problems I can never have kids. I don't know what is worse the fact that I will spend the rest of my life watching everyone else have something so wonderful ... or the fact that I may not even live to grow old. How much can life take away from you without it hurting you so much you lose your mind ??

I've thought of suicide. I've come close many times. One thing that keeps me holding on is my rescue pets.

One thing about living in the country is there is always the chance of stupid people throwing out unwanted pets. And where I live is a dumping ground for unwanted cats. I've seen so many starving sick , abused animals that I've lost count.

You always hear people make smart ass comments about " crazy cat lady" ... well, I tell you what... animals are more loyal than people.

I wish I could post pictures of them on here but I have no idea how to do it. I tried looking up on how you upload pictures on this site but the directions are so complicated I got lost and just gave up.

Sometimes when I feel lonely late I night I will sit out under the stars and hold one of my rescue cats. I'll hold it so close I can feel its heartbeat next to mine and I think about how life has brought us together.

I think a lot about God. There is a quote I once heard that goes ..

"Making a million friends is not a miracle
A miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you
When millions are against you."

I don't know who wrote it. But I wonder when is God going to make that miracle for me ??? How long do I have to keep hurting ? How much longer do I have to be so alone ??


I am so afraid of dying in more ways than one. In the physical sense. And in my heart too.

God cares about you. He wants to have a relationship with you, but you need to want to have a relationship back. You have the internet which exposes you to life around the world through websites and social media. If life is really bad because of the city personally, then you could move. Listen to peoples opinions but check within your self whether they make sense or not. Nature is good, even i appreciate nature. You have always say hello to people on your street. You could go to the local pub every now and then. Social media has rules and regulations that prevent you from meeting someone that is a hazard. facebook is fun you could watch videos on youtube. Pray often and work on the spiritual man and everything will come together in a very personal way. Good luck.

Maria0007
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Maria0007 » Sun Oct 18, 2020 4:39 pm

Hi
I was just browsing through ,when I read your story.
I am so sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be going through. I just wanted to say your writing is really beautiful, It touched me.
Its been a year since you last posted , I hope your good.
I don't know if everything will be alright, I still have hope and I guess its that hope thats keeping me alive, even if it is miniscule, so keep going , all I want to say on don't worry about the destination, just be aware of the journey.
I would have loved to see your cats.
I'm sure, in their eyes you are a huge part of their world. Take care:)

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Mon Jan 25, 2021 11:13 pm

Hello Maria and thank you. Yes it has definitely been awhile since I last posted. So many things have happened that I don’t even know where to begin.

For awhile after I left life was very difficult. Do you remember the historic home that I was trying to save from demolition? Well that became my life obsession. I dedicated all of my time into doing everything that I possibly could to see that it was saved from being destroyed.

I joined a group of women who were preservation activists and our story about saving the home blew up. We caught the attention of several newspapers and was even interviewed by three different television stations.

Sadly in the end the historic home lost the battle. Our town’s Commissioners had too much power and they won in the end and they had the home demolished and hauled off to the landfill. I was devastated to say the least. I still am. I don’t think I will ever get over that loss.

As far as the online prank pulled on me with “Bobby” I have just about completely moved on with my life. Every once in awhile I will think about it and feel really sad but I force myself to quickly get over it.

As far as my niece and nephew are concerned they are still a nightmare. My nephew is meaner than ever. It’s to the point where he is extremely toxic and very unhealthy to be around. He has fits of rage where he attacks me over my anxiety and depression and throws nasty hateful insults in my face every time he doesn’t get something he wants. He has a very filthy vulgar mouth and will not stop making fun of me. It’s to the point where I told my mother that I cannot handle living with him. I’m afraid if I had to live with him my depression and anxiety would come back full force.

He has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder but refuses to take his medication. He’s been in rehab for drugs and came out of it only to start doing drugs all over again. My biggest fear is he is going to someday hurt me and my mom. Every time I’m around him I can’t stop shaking. Yes, he’s seriously that bad.

As far as my niece is concerned she got caught cheating with that man. The wife found out and told her she better stop or she will regret it. So what does my niece do? She married her other boyfriend and is now cheating on her new husband with a different guy.

For awhile my anxiety and depression almost went away. I can’t tell you how wonderful it felt. It was like being born again. But now that my nephew is getting worse all the time and is a big threat to me and my mom. My anxiety and depression is slowly coming back.

I just hope I’m strong enough to beat it again.

CamGirl
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby CamGirl » Tue Jan 26, 2021 4:17 pm

I think of this sometimes, and the pain is excruciating that I immediately drift away from the thought. It's hard to let go of the things we love but as hard as it sounds, nothing is permanent, We are all born to die. So we have to enjoy the times in between. Maybe the memories would make us smile in our last moments.

jessica james
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby jessica james » Thu Jan 28, 2021 1:32 pm

Depression is the worst ever thing I know in my life. For me worst more than anything else. Depression and anxiety are virtual emotions with physical appearances. I have almost every facility and everything in my life but still, there is a void. I feel like only one thing missing. Friends. My parents are the best thing I could ask for. But as much as I love them I still need friends. Everyone does. I had a lot of friends but I feel like they are sick and tired of my anxiety issues. There are so many other things that happened to me. My anxiousness and depression took a lot of my precious things. I always try new and productive things to defeat my anxiety and depression. I indulge myself in various activities. Reading about my anxiety and depression, meditation, diet control, and reading advice managing anxiety. But still, there are times when I can’t get over my anxiety, I can’t even sleep, and can easily spend hours staring at my ceiling. This is what depression looks like. A clueless anxious person struggling with midnight anxiety and depression. The thing which can help you the most is counseling, listening to other people and their problems. It can help you divert your mind from your own condition. :)

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sat Mar 12, 2022 6:43 am

Yes Jessica James I know exactly what you mean! Wow it sure has been a long time since I’ve written anything here and so many things have happened. Thankfully for now I don’t have to deal with my toxic niece and nephew …. (for a little while anyway).

My nephew so far has been in jail once and in drug rehab about five different times. Every time he promises he will quit the drugs but he never does. He’s had everyone in the whole world helping him but he still refuses the help. At the current moment he is staying someplace downstate and far away. Thank goodness! I know saying this doesn’t sound very nice but I realize he is a very toxic person to be around. And right now I NEED to keep up with my recovery from anxiety and depression and that means staying away from toxic people. I come FIRST and I don’t care how selfish that may sound. I need to put my own welfare before anyone else’s. It took me so long to do this. Way too long.

Life is still hard for me but as always I’m trying to make the very best of any situation that comes my way. There are days when I get really exhausted and there are days when I feel really down but I’m trying as hard as I can to hang in there.

My niece has finally left me and mom alone and we are both allowed to live our own lives. Would you believe my mom who is almost 80 years old just got re-married again? Do you remember my story I told you about the historic house I was trying to save but it got demolished and the story of me trying to save it (along with others in my town) got so big it made new stations and newspapers? Well some guy happened to see Mom on the news and in newspapers and he fell in love with her. He contacted her online and they started an online dating relationship of writing, emailing and instant messaging each other and somehow fell in love and are married now.

My mom had more luck finding love online than I did!

My mom is living with him about 10 minutes away and I’m and here living all alone. It’s tough and its different being completely alone but I’m trying to embrace that loneliness instead of feeling bad about it. Yeah some nights an empty house all dark and quiet drives me crazy but I find things to make me happy. I’ve got my cats I still take care of and I have my dog. I’m still very heavily involved in that preservation group with some older ladies who are trying to save historic landmarks in our town and that keeps me pretty busy.

It’s wonderful to have a life of my own and not hurt all the time over the things the things I can never have …. like children. When I was living a life trying to babysit for my niece all the time the pain of infertility was constantly in my face. It was slowly killing me. It’s so nice to escape that. My niece was selfish. She only thought about what made life easy for herself. She never cared about anyone else’s feelings.

I really don’t have very much to do with my niece anymore. I pretty much cut her out of my life. Ever since the day my niece made fun of my anxiety and depression I am pretty much am done with her and I don’t feel guilty about that either.

I still watch sunsets and I still sit outside and count the stars. And when I do the same things are always on my mind. I keep asking myself am I going to someday die all alone? Will I spend the rest of my life being all alone? I still dream of finding someone wonderful. Someone that would hold me in their arms and never let me go. Someone that tells me I’m beautiful. Someone that tells me they’re proud of me. Someone that would love me enough to tell me all their secrets in life and be sad if they ever lost me.

I don’t know how I would ever find someone though. Sometimes I think I’m just destined to really and truly die alone………

ctmar
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby ctmar » Wed Mar 16, 2022 9:21 pm

I feel pretty much the same way you do. I read through all the pages, and I have to say, you have a beautiful way with words and organizing your thoughts. I don't have any friends either. I have work people and I would consider them friends, but I never see them. I work out of my basement every day and they are a thousand miles away in MN.

I had a heart attack when I was doing travelling consulting. In Omaha, NE in the twilight of the morning, not a known soul for hundreds of miles, my heart stopped. I had a near death experience, and it probably has a lot to do with why I'm still here. That, my dad, son and daughter, and my dog Astro. I'm still married to my wife. She lives in the rest of the house, berates me every chance she gets and constantly works to drive a wedge between me and the kids. I know many will say, and rightfully so, that I should leave her. But I can't do that to my kids, that's what happened to my brothers and I back in the day. It's an oath and I take them very seriously.

I lost a friend recently. Not from death but it was a parting of ways. This person was dear but really wasn't being the friend I needed, mainly from stupid political differences I think. Well, it hurt, it hurt badly. It's been six months and it still hurts. We used to talk every day.

But it has been good for me.

At the time all that was going on, I also lost my mother to covid. Which hurts far more, but in a different way. Without her, I have found myself completely alone without friends. It has forced me to really think hard about why I'm here, what I want to do with what's left of my life. I have found some level of inner peace and happiness. But at times (like tonight) I just wish I had a friend.

Reading about how you go out and sit under the stars is really a blessing. I think there's something you and I both need, and that is to get out of the house. Find reasons. It's turning spring, so the weather will get nice. I am thinking about taking Astro to the dog park a few times each week. I've met other men my age doing that, and in some cases they're a lot like you and I.

I hope you too can find something that brings you out into the world. It's so hard. It feels like the world is against me. The whole covid thing just compounds the problem. But if nothing else, Astro and I will have fun at the dog parks, and maybe doing things like this will help draw me out of my shell. I hope the same for you. Life is what we live every day. This site seems to have become a journal for you, and it looks like you've had some chat friends like doogie here. I hope you and I can both find that peace.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Wed Apr 20, 2022 11:03 pm

Ctmar your words hurt my heart tonight. I am so very sorry for everything you have had to go through. I am definitely thinking about you tonight.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Wed Apr 20, 2022 11:30 pm

Well here I am back on this forum again. I feel like I have no where else to go. I am feeling very lost tonight. I thought about going outside and sitting under the stars but instead I’m just in my bedroom where it’s really dark and I am sitting beside my window where I can see a little bit of the stars through the glass.

On nights like this I feel like an outsider. I don’t know where I actually belong in the world and sometimes I think that I don’t really belong anywhere. Oh, I don’t mean that in a “bad way” it’s just…. well I feel like maybe I’m just here floating along on mere existence alone and that’s all. Oh boy does this even make sense? Lol

I’m tired I guess. I want to live in a world where beautiful night skies never end and the stars always twinkle and shine forever and ever. Where sunsets are the most beautiful colors in the world and you don’t ever have to worry about seeing gray cloudy skies. And where you don’t ever have to worry about being ashamed for being yourself and you can be who you’re truly are meant to be without anyone criticizing you or making fun of you or shaming you for dreaming too big or loving too much.

I’m the kind of person where my heart always ends up getting me in trouble. It’s has a mind of its own for sure. And I can’t change that for the whole world. I’m being very cryptic tonight aren’t I? (Long story short) …. I put my heart into something tonight, something that is very dear to me that I worked really hard on and someone tried to embarrass me and shame me for it. I don’t want to get into the details much. I just wish we could live in a world where we are all accepted even if we have different opinions and never ending passions.


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