Depression Understood Forums

All I feel is that I have a constant black cloud surrounding my life.

My mother didn’t love me. The truth is, she never cared or had any feelings towards me. As a child I tried my best to impress her, make her proud of me, like me a little. But she was incapable.

She wasn’t warm. She never praised. Not once did she ever say: ‘I love you’. Instead, she found fault. She shouted. Mostly I remember her shouting and beating me for no reasonable reason.

From the outside it must have looked like we were an ordinary middle-class family. My father works offshore and I stayed at home with her and my brother. She would treat him differently not the way she used to be with me.

I was the second child. Although my father was a talented man, Mother never recognized this. In her eyes, he was never good enough for her.

My father was mostly offshore and I dont remember alot of happy days in my childhood and not even a single memory of my mother being happy either.

Hysterical, yes. She was always dramatic, always shouting, always making a scene. My father and I walked on eggshells around her. He was a good man, a kind man, but he was weak. He didn’t stand up to her. If he’d been different, stepped in to say: ‘This is wrong’, things might have been different, but he didn’t. She wouldnt let him.

Everything about her was cold. She wouldnt even buy me a card or a birthday present because she said my father used to buy me 'everything' so I didnt need anything.
She never kissed me. I only remember one hug in my life and it was recently only because I stood up for her because my father had some pornographic pictures subscribed thru his email and I knew he was lying and sayin that they were junk mails and advertisements altho it was adresses to his name... Shes wasnt into this kinda technology and now I gave her my tablet to learn stuff. Later on I found stuff that my father is cheating on my mother with black prostitutes and she doesnt even know it and I never told anyone not even my father. My mother tested positive for hsv-1 (herpes) which she obviously got from my father and she got a hysterectomy 10years ago and the cause was 99% HPV..

She hated housework, so she got a maid. She was a terrible cook aswell. Used to cook things on purpose that I didnt like.

She didn’t have friends or family because all of them dont talk to her not even her mother..She didn’t really have hobbies. The only thing that seemed to get her animated was shopping for clothes. When she and my father went out, she had to be the best-dressed and sexiest.

Now I'm 27 years, gay, and never had a job or continued school because I was always feeling down because of my mother. As a child, I hoped I had been adopted and dreamed that one day my real mother would knock on the door. She used to push me on the floor and kick my guts because I didnt want to go to school because I was too sad and damaged to function like other kids. She doesnt even realize. I got diagnosed with agoraphobia and it gotten worse then before so i'm kinda going thru a really hard time lately.. My mother shaped my life, I know. I am damaged because of her and I cant accept it... I just wish I could wake up one morning, and not have anxiety continuously ruin my life. For once, I’d love to walk out of the door, lock it behind me, and be able to just go out on my own without feeling sick to my stomach and having panic attacks. It’s really put me into a dark place these past few months, and I just wish it would all stop. Anxiety is not something that you can just “not think about” for it to go away. It’s a very serious matter, and what’s worst about it is that only you can feel it. Nothing about it is visible. All you can do is explain to someone about what you’re feeling. It’s just f****** horrible and I want my life back.

Like being underwater, or staring into an endlessly deep abyss, with no warmth, no light and no hope. Just blankness. And an overwhelming terror that this is really how things are and always will be. Looking for some respite in sleep, which is poisoned by the most negative, unhappy dreams, which sometimes I immediately resume on awakening again. I've been unhappy for a long time now and there is nothing in particular that makes me feel this way. It's so odd. I'm exhausted. It happens all the time I'm outside trying to have fun like every other one around and I am the only one depressed and everything doesn't make sense to me. I'm isolating all the time. I want to place apart and detach from anything and anyone. I want to be alone. Going out somewhere is painfully awkward. I feel like no one can't bear me and doesn't really like me at all. I feel emotionless and numb.

Hi there zombiemeth. It's nice to meet you.

What you have went through has left me speechless and I'm trying so hard to find the right words that can offer you some kind of comfort. I'm so , so sorry for what you've gone through.

All I know what to say is welcome to the message boards. And I hope that you please keep coming here and posting and venting whenever you need to. Although people can't change what happened to you , people here do care.

You've been through so much but I hope with all my heart you don't give up. You are right when you said that " anxiety isn't something that you can forget easily." It's HORRIBLE.

You deserve so much happiness after everything you've been through and I hope with all my heart that you get it.

Please keep coming here okay. ( hugs )

I am also so sorry for how your life has been. Have you ever consulted a doctor about the possibility of your having PTSD? It sounds like it to me; I have it. Sorry if you already posted something about that.

First of all, Hello to both of you and thanks for your reply and time reading my story.

I know that the most common reaction is probably 'i'm speechless' to my story and I get that.. because it's not like you hear something like this often.
I'll try my best coping with her..

probably because she was never raised by her parents and was raised in catholic school with nuns..i get it that is depressing but shes like this with me only and not my brother.

And it was only when my brother, 3 years ago, had twins boys that I realized how dysfunctional my home life had been. The penny dropped when my brother came to visit us with the kids and my mother would treat them differently from one an other because she preferred the 'cutest' one. she would scream and shout if any of them touches somewhere with dirty hands and threaten then to break their arms.. she used to do the same with me when i was younger. Thats not how u treat children that age altho I was raised severely damaged - I still know how to treat and talk to my nephews and make them happy and play with them.

I have tried to understand my mother but I cant really accept it.....

Hello Zombiemeth,

Thank you for sharing your story.

How do you feel towards your mother? Love? Hate? Do you feel sorry for her or do you not care?

It just seems like your life revolves around her, I see you talking more about her than yourself in your posts. She clearly played a key role in shaping your life and not in a good way. I guess you have spent most of your life trying to get into her good books but no matter what you do its never good enough and she makes you feel inadequate. She has a serious case of favoritism and some personal issues, which you are trying to understand. I am guessing you still live with your parents, so how are things are home? Do you stay in your room most of the time, do you talk to them much? etc.

You blame her for ruining your life but you also have to accept that you have a little responsibility for letting that happen. She may have a big influence over you but it doesn't always have to be that way. You have the ability to outgrow her, become smarter than her, live happier than her. You have that choice, you just have to make it happen. Perhaps she is that black cloud you are talking about but if she is that toxic then what is keeping you there? How would you feel about moving away from her?

I wonder how you feel about confronting her, how would you feel if she read your posts? Would you be scared? Would she hate you more?
A face to face confrontation is not necessary but perhaps write a letter to her but never post it. In some therapy groups, someone would play the role of your mother and you just say or shout everything that you have kept bottled up inside for all these years. I've seen many people feel better after doing this exercise, as their parents are no longer here or live in another country so it was a form of release for them. Who knows, maybe this is something you might look into.

Your mother may have been the cause of your problems but I think you have more important things to deal with right now so lets not focus on her. You won't be able to change her so why not change yourself? Time to stop living her life and start living yours, focus more about you, what you want and where do you want to go. What would your ideal life be like and what steps would you have to take to get there? You will have barriers to overcome but nothing you can't handle. I think you coming here and sharing your story is very brave and a step in the right direction already.

I really wanted to hear more about you and hopefully we will. Your post started off on a negative note but I hope as this progresses it will become more positive.

x

Hi zombiemeth,
Your story truly pulls at my heart strings. I wish I could cradle you in my arms until all of your wounds were healed. Obviously, this isn't the type of nurture you were raised with. And, I am sorry...

It is true that our parents play a tremendous role in molding who we become. As children we are very impressionable, and our views of our own self worth are reliant upon the positive/negative interactions of those who we look up to. Years of negative feedback and undeserved punishment forms the way we view ourselves. Abused children are basically 'brainwashed' into believing they are less than others in worth...that somehow they were unloveable. The subconscious mind, even as an adult, is often scarred by the years they are taught they have no value. This is what an abusive, cruel and neglectful upbringing teaches a child. But, it is a despicable LIE!

The problem was not in any way YOU. The problem was your mother. Consciously, I feel that you realize this, but you're haunted by those many years you were made to feel unloved.
Does it feel like there's a type of invisible chain that links you to the past? That it's hard to break free because you have the need to just understand "WHY?"
Are you attempting to 'reason' with what happened? To comprehend 'why' you suffered such abuse?

You didn't deserve it. You weren't the cause. It was never your fault. Also, you were not less of a person than your brother. You are not a person without value. Always remember that feeling 'unworthy' is something you were taught. However, it was never based on reality. It was a message you learned through abuse. And, it was a lie. The lack of the most basic of love shown, such as a hug or the words "I love you," also told you that you were unworthy.
You have SO much more value than you realize!

I understand how years of sadness can build up layer upon layer...and intrude upon life in the present.
As a survivor of abuse, I know logically that it wasn't my fault- that it never should have happened. But, our current logic often wrestles with the painfulotions still buried deep down. It's hard to just forget what took years to be 'learned!'

However, it is good to talk about it- to release some of that weight you carry. Do you ever journal? Do you have a counselor? Maybe there's a medication that can help with the anxiety and agoraphobia. I have these issues too. It's pretty rough, huh? It's like...I isolate due to anxiety, but wind up getting lonely. Between a rock and a hard place...

There's something positive I read in your post. You do realize that the way your mother treated you was very wrong; You treat your nephews well and do not play "favorites." You have broken that cycle.

Remember, there IS hope. I know this because you took the time and energy to reveal what you've been through. Please keep posting! You are also helping others...

Hey Ieris and 4EverMe

Thank you for your reply I really appreciate your time..

I feel a strong urge of hate and rage towards her, and what my father did to her - she deserves all the pain and that's why I never told her about my fathers cheating..

Most of the time i'm in my room trying to block her in every-way possible.

Thanks to some websites (here aswell) I found out she is maybe (probably 100%) suffering from narcissistic personality disorder.

I can't accept the fact that she ENJOYS seeing myself suffering. It's hard to describe what it's like living with her. She was physically there (she was a stay-at-home-mother) but not really there for me. She never really paid any attention unless it was to get me annoyed or angry...

I have no memories of her playing with me either or spending much time with me.

She never really paid much attention to how I was getting on in school. She never gave me advice on how to be a woman. She never taught me housekeeping skills. so probably thats why I never got a job..

Hi zombiemeth,
You may feel stuck in a rut and that there's no hope for you.
You can't change your mother, but maybe you could devise a plan of action that will make it possible for you to get away from her. Is there someone else you can stay with?

It's obvious to me that it's not healthy for you to be living under the same roof. This could be the root cause of your anxiety.

Have you expressed your feelings to your mother?

Hi zombiemeth,

I'm sorry for your pain. I too think the best thing is to devise a plan to move out. I've found that success is the best revenge. Start by thinking where you would like to see yourself in five years, if everything went your way. Then devise a plan to get there. This may involve taking courses if necessary (don't suggest going into debt, there are always other options, if money is an issue), or going to programs or places that help you find work. Whatever it is, this can take your mind off her, get you out of the house, and help work towards your goal. I know this takes energy to do, but keep your mind on the end result: beginning to live your own life independently.

Also, therapy is helpful in sorting things out. And hopefully, this group can be a source of comfort to you as well. Wishing you the best.

easier said than done. I dont have that ammount of money to move out...

I understand, trust me, I've been in a similar circumstance, and with young children. This is why you need a plan. It may mean getting a job that's good enough for now, then going back to school part time, in order to work towards getting a better paying one. It may take time until you are where you really want to be, but time will pass anyway, you might as well be working towards a better life for yourself and peace of mind. The initial job will get you some independence, even if just enough for a studio apartment until you can do better.

As far as school, see if there is one in your area that federal grants will cover, so you don't come out of pocket.

Great idea.
Also, there are free gov't grants to go along with a student loan- which can also help cover rent expenses!
It can't hurt to look into these things.
You do have a future, and it can be much better than what your current situation has to offer.

Zombiemeth,

It was heart breaking to read what you have been going through being raised by your mom. I really feel for you, but what may help is to know that your mother is a product of how she was raised, which seems from her behavior not good either. You can not change her since that is something she would have to want to do, but you can work on you. What might help is if you could speak to a psychologist or someone in the counseling field to deal with a lot of things your going through.
You mention that you never had a job or continued school, this is something you might want to look into taking care of, since if you could be on your own and away from her that could help a great deal. If that is not possible right now, you don't mention if you have any other relatives perhaps that you could stay with or who could help in your situation.
I feel strongly a lot of our emotions can be affected too by the things we put in our mind, I really encourage you to think about things that make you happy and immerse yourself in them to help with how your feeling emotionally.
An on line forum is good to be able to express your feelings but as to a solution or help look into local programs around where you live. A support group might help, sometimes we may feel were alone in what were going through but there are a lot of people in similar situations and sometimes worse.
My intention is to be of help and provide some ideas for you to look into that can help.
I wish the best for you and will say a prayer for you.